Todays LessonsYesterday I was very present. I was in heaven and happier than ever.
Today I noticed the things that make me *not* present, and cause me suffering.
#1. My boyfriend got an interview today, and instead of being genuinely happy for him, I immediately felt inadequate about myself not having an interview
#2. I went to a cafe and a girl my age was getting interviewed and doing phenomenally well. I got jealous. I felt like I wasn't enough, because I wasn't like *that*.
What I noticed today is that:
My thoughts *totally* do change the course of my day. Today wasn't bad, all my needs are more than met. Yet I have missed out on so much today because feeling bad for myself, on autopilot, over trivial issues, has received priority. I allowed those two events to bring my mood down, and really crap-hole my entire day! And where has it gotten me?... We can look at it positively and say that it has gotten me to a place of better understanding the things that make me tick, that make me stray from the here and now. Thats a good thing!
But god.. even now, I'm just so frustrated from the day. My boyfriend is just chilling, watching a documentary on the 60's and I'm so annoyed that there is unwanted SOUND in my space. Another example of how when I am upset with myself and feeling inadequate, I project it on my outside reality. I look for reasons to be unhappy, and I find them, and I confuse problems in my inner with problems on my outer.
****, I just want all the noise to stop. Mental noise, Jim Morrison howling in the background, the hum of the computer. I want everything to pause and just everybody focus on me. I want my boyfriend to come wash my face, comb my hair, rub me down with coconut oil, swaddle me in a soft blanket and put me to bed because I am done. Do you ever feel like you just want to fall over into a despondent puddle of goop? I do sometimes. I want to start over in the morning, see what I can learn tomorrow and start fresh. :)
Interesting. It's all just learning, and I'm doing the best that I can.