Todays Lessons

Yesterday I was very present. I was in heaven and happier than ever.

Today I noticed the things that make me *not* present, and cause me suffering.
#1. My boyfriend got an interview today, and instead of being genuinely happy for him, I immediately felt inadequate about myself not having an interview
#2. I went to a cafe and a girl my age was getting interviewed and doing phenomenally well. I got jealous. I felt like I wasn't enough, because I wasn't like *that*.

What I noticed today is that:
My thoughts *totally* do change the course of my day. Today wasn't bad, all my needs are more than met. Yet I have missed out on so much today because feeling bad for myself, on autopilot, over trivial issues, has received priority. I allowed those two events to bring my mood down, and really crap-hole my entire day! And where has it gotten me?... We can look at it positively and say that it has gotten me to a place of better understanding the things that make me tick, that make me stray from the here and now. Thats a good thing!

But god.. even now, I'm just so frustrated from the day. My boyfriend is just chilling, watching a documentary on the 60's and I'm so annoyed that there is unwanted SOUND in my space. Another example of how when I am upset with myself and feeling inadequate, I project it on my outside reality. I look for reasons to be unhappy, and I find them, and I confuse problems in my inner with problems on my outer.

****, I just want all the noise to stop. Mental noise, Jim Morrison howling in the background, the hum of the computer. I want everything to pause and just everybody focus on me. I want my boyfriend to come wash my face, comb my hair, rub me down with coconut oil, swaddle me in a soft blanket and put me to bed because I am done. Do you ever feel like you just want to fall over into a despondent puddle of goop? I do sometimes. I want to start over in the morning, see what I can learn tomorrow and start fresh. :)

Interesting. It's all just learning, and I'm doing the best that I can.

garbagequeen garbagequeen
18-21, T
1 Response Feb 2, 2013

Go in there and tell him what would make you happy is if "SOMEONE would wash my face, comb my hair, rub me down with coconut oil, swaddle me in a soft blanket and put me to bed because I am done." If he offers or does it, he is a keeper. :)

LOL he so would if I asked him to haha he's carried me to bed before. I just don't want him to think I'm sad, he tends to get sad when he knows that I'm being despondent haha He is a keeper though. Two years and counting! ^_^ Thanks for the comment!