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A Friendship?

i have this problem with choosing people in my life to be friends with that are completely self absorbed. i think the reason i do this is because of the relationship i had with my mother. in that relationship i was always working overtime for her acceptance and approval. but of recent years, i guess because of growth, i have realized that these relationships are toxic to me and though i still put myself through a lot of crap, i am no longer willing to be the only person in the friendship. this morning i ended a friendship i have had off and on for over 8 years now. in the beginning of the friendship i was always the one with the shoulder to cry on - and man was my shoulder wet! i would always pick her up to go out to lunch. she could never meet me anywhere, never listen when i needed and ear... so i pulled away for over a year. i met her again and at first things seemed a little different but then it was back to the same old story. i had twins a year ago and i asked her to be at the birth - nope. she would come to visit and would only talk about herself while i am trying to take care of 2 infants. she always commented on how i had it so good because i had a house, husband, and kids in a manner that screamed, "you have no problems so don't bother me with any!" In the last 6 months i have talked to her very little because of these things and other reasons. she called me the other day and left a message about getting together. i decided that i would have to address these things with her if the friendship was going to continue. so i called her this morning and she basically could not be bothered to listen - she said she already had too much on her plate. i said fine, good luck to you then. it is finally clear to me that this is not a friendship and i need to move on for good this time.
angrychild angrychild 31-35, F 2 Responses May 10, 2007

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I get where you are coming from 100%. All of my life I have put myself into situations like this. It seems like every friendship I have ever had turns out to be one sided. After awhile of this you really start to get drained and feel like ****. I have learned that if you don't ever put your needs first, then people will pick up on this and be drawn to you. I love to help people out with their problems and listen but nobody is ever there when I need the same. It is really sad and it has made me feel bad about myself over the years. I had a friend EXACTLY like yours and I recently ended our friendship because she was selfish and never gave a damn about me. Move on from people like this. They will never help you get anywhere in life and they only think of themselves. A real friend would be there for you no matter what and would always let you cry on their shoulder. Self absorbed people ARE toxic and make terrible friends. AVOID these people like the plague. You seem like a really nice person who is there for her friends. You deserve friends that give you the same thing in return. It is not a real friendship if it is one sided. My supposed best friend acts like he is the only person with problems and completely disregards mine. I am tired of it. Done with toxic people and I realize that it is time for me to move on and to find better friends. Good for you by the way! :) I hope that things work out for you and that you are able to start putting yourself around some awesome people. They are hard to find but they are definitely out there. Don't settle!

I agree that it is time for you to move on. I had a friend like that once and I had to break away from her. Not only was she self absorbed but she was a user too. She was very educated and had her own house and was very financially stable. Heres the catch. She was very frugile about money so when we would go to lunch she would act like she was sooo broke to hint that she wanted me to pay. Being the generous person that I am I often did pay when we went out for drinks or dinner or whatever. I noticed she did the same thing to her other friends. She is a very educated woman with a great job but very much a tight wad. So I knew half the time she lied about being broke. What broke the straw on the camels back for me so to speak was when she came to my younger brothers funeral. After the service she suggested that we go somewhere to chat and have dinner and drinks. I had not seen her in a while so I never dreamed she would pull one of her stunts at a time like this! She expected me to pay for the meal because she started crying broke before we made it to the parking lot. I told her I didn't feel up to going and canceled the plan at the last minute. After this I quit calling her or accepting her calls. I knew that I had to end the friendship. She also like your friend always wanted to talk about herself and never wanted to be the listener or to be burdened with what was going on in my life. I know exactly what you mean by this type of person and how it is necessary to free yourself of these type friendships. I let my friendship go on with her longer than I should have. It started having a negative impact on me so now I am glad I have moved on. It has been 3 years now since I have seen or spoken to her.