There, I said it. 

Dammit, I hate writers block.  I hate ******* depression and anxiety and death and job loss and friends who hurt or are ill.  I'm sick of my *** being numb from sitting on the computer doing absolutely NOTHING for the past few days.  I can't breath.  I can't stop smoking or drinking or having sex (which is phenomenal BTW). 

I miss my friends.  I miss laughing.  Crying - I don't miss. 

Sometimes, I just don't have it to give; not even to myself.  I want to hide from the thoughts, all the things that Could happen.  Beating myself up for all the stupid things that Should Have happened, all the things I should have done or should have said before it was too late.

I’m sorry.  I have failed yet again.  So many depend on me, but I am an empty well. 

Hopefully now the cobwebs will clear and I can get back to myself.  Writing.  Interacting here on EP instead of all the lame *** **** that keeps my mind from being productive and alive. 

DrewBerry DrewBerry
46-50, F
12 Responses Feb 14, 2010

Indeedio my friend. Anytime<br />
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~ even if you endorse THAT WOMAN ~

Thank you Lilt and Wilmaaa. It is good to feel better. I hope you both are well an good too.<br />
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I'm glad you are feeling better today.<br />
But I have to say, you look FANTASTIC! Is your skin naturally that gorgeous, or is a spray tan?

You are right Frito - We all have these moments and sometimes we have to blurt and purge it out vs. hiding my head in the virtual sand. It's the end, we all must move forward, step by step... heart beat by heart beat. It's difficult to live in the moment, but in the end, it's all we have, eh?<br />
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Whendolyn - BIG HUG to you. We are here to uplift and support one another through those times of sadness and hopelessness. Fortunately, we both do not linger there. <br />
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I feel better today. and will feel even better tomorrow. <br />
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I may not be a total fighter (as was recently brought to my attention); It;s true. However, for some unknown reason, I am a survivor. What other choice do we have? <br />
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~ Just keep Swimming ~

Lawrence - You are my friend and always know just what to say. You have a unique perspective of my small world and your words resonate! That means the world to me. Thank you.

Thank you LauraLovely and Jophene. This place is always a guaranteed hug and smile.<br />
I want so much to be that happy and encouraging person. But we all have our moments. I will try not to languish in it.<br />
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Hey Drew, enough beating yourself're human...from where I sit you're a caring, funny, smart like the rest of us sometimes you fail...sometimes you don't have it to us.<br />
Welcome back when you feel ready! :)

drew - -in the profession, we' often see those most gifted with gritty will power takes time for that much needed cathartic event to erupt to purge their soul of the venomous poisons that have attacked us, Now comes the healing process, and it must be deliberate baby steps in the desired direction - you must go on a daily basis -movement is more essential than failure - because healing and living is a process, that has no sense of time or for rejection letters only a sense if we're moving forward, sometimes at great psychological or job history disadvantage! Cheer up lovey, I promise it will turn out better than you could have imagined! ((((H)))) &((((L)))) xxx//Lawr

Sometimes you have to let it out it builds up inside & when you write it down release.<br />
Forget the consequences, inner turmoil dealt with effectively..... You can finally breathe.<br />
Wow it's that easy.....

I was thinking that...:-)

You get is Scoobs my friend. I just had to bark out all that crap... <br />
It was my own version of a virtual enema.... given to myselt.. LOL

(((Hugs))) It feels good to let it out and let it go, eh? RAWRRRRRRRRR. Ahhhh, that did feel good :-) Love ya DB!