Everyone Is Cousins & I Can't Get Away!!

As a senior in high school, I went all the way once and only once. When I lost my virginity, I was drunk, and it was with a guy (I'll call him B) I wasn't even "talking" to, but he wasn't a stranger either. He was 3 grades above me at the same school, & I'd know him since early elementary, but like I said, I'm a senior so he'd graduated a few years ago. I am best friends with one of his cousins & even went with them all on a vacation, so I was kind of around him for a whole week right before it happened, but it happened when we got back home at an "after-party". Although I knew him for a long time, we weren't really in the same circle since he was a few years older, and I didn't talk to him on a regular basis, but when I did it was fine because he is a hilarious person and a good guy. I know he didn't use me because he's not the kind of person who just looks for hook-ups, I might have even been the instigator, I'm not sure since that night is a bit fuzzy..

I do remember after i'd already been drinking, I asked him to get me another drink when he showed up to the wedding dance with his friends, but then he told me to try his mixed drink, but then I didn't give it back so he got his own & we weren't around each other for a while.. then there's a gap, and the next thing I remember is slow-dancing with him later on in the night.. then I remember leaving the dance with him and one of my girl friends (some old people drove us) & we went to his house for their "after-party".. then a gap, & I remember sitting in the living room, some of us watching TV, & we were holding hands. Later I think I asked if he'd show me his room, and eventually he did, & we put in a movie, but then we didn't actually watch it because things started happening.. My friend called me before she left & told me to go with her, but I refused, so she said to be careful. I wasn't planning on going all the way, but eventually I gave in. Afterwards, he made sure I didn't have a curfew, & I said I just needed to be home before my parents wake up in the morning, but I wanted to go home then even though he thought I should've just stayed there since he didn't have his vehicle since he left it at the dance, and nobody was in good shape to drive..eventually we borrowed his brother's car & he took me home..

But since then I have barely talked to him. It's not like I've avoided him, because we've happened to run into each other even more than often since then, but we just don't have a whole lot to say anyway. My friends don't think we seem awkward toward each other, and we pretty much act like we used to before this all happened, but it has just been strange how often I have seen him, when I usually don't see him around much. I'd see him once in a while at church, but until I went on vacation with his family, I have rarely been around him since he was in high school. The week after it happened, while I was waiting at a stoplight in a nearby town, I noticed someone really turning their head to look at me as they drove by, & of course it was him. Then a few days later, a friend & I ended up hanging out w/ him and another friend, just driving around since no one else was out. Then, I was at another party at his house, & then the weekend after that he was at another party I was at, and I actually ended up riding home with him because his sister came to give some people rides. Then a couple times, he was at our school repairing something for one of the buildings. Another day, my friend talked me into playing on their team in a league to fill in for another girl, and he was on that team too. & now, he happened to come to the grocery store I work at while I was working, & I rarely ever work. Of course I waved and he asked if I was having fun and & replied with a sarcastic remark, so it's not like we completely avoid each other & don't say anything.

I mean I've always had a crush on him since I was little, but never imagined anything would've happened between us, but now that it has, I almost have feelings for him after bumping into him so often. At first, after "our night" happened, I just regretted it because I'm the girl who wasn't supposed to lose my virginity in high school or any time soon at all! But friends reminded me that **** happens & I can't do anything about it now, & it's not like he's a bad guy or just trying to take advantage of me, so I kind of got over it for the most part. But realizing how often I see him and have to be reminded of it (especially if other "friends" are going to continue to give me crap about it, probably because one is jealous), I almost do want something more, but he's not the kind of person to have a real, deep conversation with, because he's the care-free, fun-loving type that doesn't take life too seriously. So it's not like I can approach him about us, & he's never going to do anything either because he's not the type to "chase after" girls..

No, I'm not just having feelings for him just because he's the only guy I've hooked up with, because I had a few other hookups before and after that during the summer, but none that far of course. I do wonder if it's because I feel rejected by his cousin (I'll call J) who goes to college in another state, but went to high school at a nearby town. I'd had feelings for J for a couple years, & we'd actually talked on and off and hung out, & during the family vacation J flirted with me and even held my hand during scary movies that we watched with his friend and my best friend that had invited me.. but by the end of the vacation, J hadn't acted as flirty with me as before, & my friend and I were around B more during the end of the vacation anyway, but I was still upset that J had just been so hot then cold all of a sudden, and it wasn't the first time he'd done this to me, so I think I was a little upset when we got home, & that might have been a reason inside of me for hooking up with B, just because a little evil part inside of me wanted to get back at J for leading me on and then ignoring me so many times.. So I was still hung up on J even after the incident with B, but once I got over J, I realized how often I've been running into B, and have been developing possible feelings for B now..

Maybe I'm just feeling lonely and feel that I need someone? But other guys have tried pursuing me (even another one of their cousins who is actually still at my school!), but I haven't been interested in any of them..just possibly B right now.. Maybe I'm just over-thinking it all..maybe I'm not running into him anymore than I had before, I'm just paying more attention now? I thought about that, but honestly I've seen him at least once every week for the past 2 months, probably about as many times as I'd seen him in the previous 2 years.. So I just wonder, if maybe it's some kind of sign? I mean who knows, maybe years in the future he's the guy I marry? It seems a little far-fetched, but in a small community like ours it's really not that out of reach, especially since his family loves me! But I don't know what to do about anything now..I guess just sit back and let time do it's thing..I mean I'll probably end up going with friends to more parties at their house since they're the only people who have parties around here, but it's not like we'd ever work anything out then because he'd be drinking, I might be, & other girls are usually all over him too... but sometimes I just wonder if maybe he would like me too if he knew I was actually interested, because although we were drunk when it happened, some part of him had to have wanted it too right? Cuz it's not like we just hooked up and that was it for the night, we were around each other all night, slow-dancing together, holding hands, & he gave me a ride home, although yes I know that's not smart.. I know him well enough to know he's not the type who has a goal of hooking up with a different girl all the time, but he's just not the type to be very serious either.. But I've been doing a good job of getting over it and not letting it bug me, but then when I'm doing fine, I randomly see him! So it just seems like there's gotta be some reason for God doing this & reminding me of him as soon as I get him out of my mind..
WhatsOnMyMind WhatsOnMyMind
18-21, F
Sep 18, 2012