2010 I Feel I Am Slowly Dying Inside and See No Way Out 2012

I don’t know what to do or who to turn to for help and advice as I am and have been at the point of idealistic thoughts of suicide. When I have sort help from organisation like THT, Stonewall, London Lighthouse, Gay switchboard and other organisations I am hit by a wall of NO Help. If I make it brief you may be able to help me or guide me in the appropriate direction.
2 years ago everything was ok and I was managing emotionally and physically with a Job and a TOP position I really enjoyed as a CQC Registered branch Manager for a healthcare company and then on 3rd December 2009 i went to court and then went to prison on the same day. I went to prison for 47 days for an offence back in 2003 when I started work for Brent Care at home.
Dhss where informed in 2003 but they failed to stop paying my rent it took many phone calls and threatening words by me over many months before they stopped paying my rent direct into my housing account but up to this point i was working.
In court in December 2009 the DHSS admitted they were informed by me that I was now working in 2003 informed by me in 2003 but they failed to notify the housing department by sending an NHB8 to stop my rent. Even though they were told by me they still paid it direct into my council Rent account. The magistrate said it was obvious the left hand did not inform the right hand and on this basis even though I pleaded not guilty (advised) they found me guilty but only imposed a 47 days in prison; I came out on 18th January 2010.
Because of this I lost my good job of 6.5 years and when I came out of prison 47 days later my mum was diagnosed as having a terminal illness, Cancer. So not only did I go to prison because someone did not do their job properly 6 years previous I lost my job, With looking after my mum from that point on and still dealing with my father’s death in May 2008 of cancer, the stress made me collapse on mother’s day 14th March 2010 and I was admitted into hospital and remained there for 2 weeks only unable to see or walk properly and to be told that I had a severe brain infection called Severe Encyphylitus and on top of that I was informed that I was also at the late stage of HIV with a CD4 count of only 53 which could and would lead on to AIDS, the norm being 350 for safe perimeters and that I could die at any moment if my organs fail to fight any infection because of both complications I was put on a triple emergency medication via a drip through my arms. I informed my partner of 7 years who had a test only to be told HE was HIV. I have been fighting inside as I was not HIV when we met and starting to commit ourselves to each other.
Even though I was dealing with this shock I was put on retrovirus drip and my cd count started to rise very slowly but I had too and was also looking after my terminally ill mum who passed away on 21st may 2010 in front of me. With organising the funeral and sorting out the finances to pay for this I then finished with my partner after nearly 7 years on October 24th when I asked him to leave my flat and then I found and started and returned to full employment putting my health to one side on 25th October 2010.
Since June 2011 I was admitted in hospital where I had major surgery to remove all but 4 of my teeth caused by decay from the medication I was put on in March 2010.
Since then i went and had a major-breakdown in October 2011. I have had constant idealistic thoughts of suicide and severe depression, I have lost the spark I once had with the weight loss, the low self esteem and the lack of self worth along with isolating myself away from family and friends, turning to face book & gaydar as my only form of communication with the outside world. I have been told I have severe depression to the extent my GP called the police because I failed to turn up to an appointment and she thought I had topped myself in my flat.
I have had 16 years of homophobic abuse, some physical a lot verbal where I live and in June 2010 this became even more evident when I was attacked by 15-20 youths outside my home and which damage was caused to neighbours cars from the brick thrown, again I have had no help from the local council and the police said they could do nothing because I could not point out even 1 person even though all of them attacked me with objects and verbal abuse.
I stayed in my mum’s house, sleeping in her bed for more than a year from before and when she died and wearing her dressing gown each night and wearing her coat to work when I returned to work in October 2010.
I have had many breakdowns but have tried to carry on for the sake of my younger brother and my older brothers. In October 2011 I had a major breakdown and walked away from my mum’s house returning back to my own flat and have recluse myself in doors under lock and key.
I have lost something the spark; I have felt so low that I even wish I did not have to wake up when I do eventually fall asleep. I have tried to seek help but it’s not forth coming. I hit brick walls whichever way I turn and don’t seem to get the help I keep being told I should have.
Constant bouts of crying unexpectedly at no given time or situation, the loss of my mum and my dad and my sisters watching the news and seeing all the things and changes in society again returning to thoughts of suicide and questioning whether I would be better off and also the consequences if I did this and the effect it would have on my brothers. I have never been so alone and lonely, unloved, unwanted, unneeded and to have all this pent up feelings, Low self esteem, unworthy of what I once was. I see No one, and everyone I knew in the past 8 years I don’t see.
I am trying to move forward but can’t leave the past behind, Birthdays, Christmas’s has been so hard for me but I try to carry on without help. I can’t socialise, I find myself sleeping more in the day and up in the night and I wish I could just wake up and it’s all been a dream. I miss my MUM and my Sister So much its killing me and stopping me from leaving them behind.
My brothers do not know HOW much this is killing me and I have not even cried in front of them for fear of setting off a chain reaction. I don’t know what to do or how to do it as it’s such a sore and painful subject for me.
I love my brothers but they don’t need me and I really need them now but they do not know how to deal with this and I can’t tell them this as a councillor once said to me you were there for your mum when you’re first sister died of C.O.T death back in 1978 and then you went off the rails and was put into care because of the events at the time and then you were there for your Mum and brothers when you’re sister died in 2000 and you were there for your brothers when you’re dad died in 2008 and You were there for your brothers when you’re mum died 2010 and through each event you were there before during and after each death organising the bodies, viewings, funeral arrangements and yet WHO IS THERE FOR ME.............. My answer could only be MYSELF....so I am in limbo and have been since 21st May 2010 trying to deal with this the best way I can which is and has not been good now.
My CD4 count was 53 in March 2010 and started to rise over the last year my CD4 rose to 222 still under the safety limits but yesterday I was informed it is now 387 and my viral load is now undetectable but will have to remain on meds for life.
I am returning to work on Monday 12th March 2012. My employers know everything mentioned in this note but I still MISS my MUM and SISTER SO SO much and my Dad but life carry’s on and I have to catch up with it. This was the only way i could deal with it but on 30 May i collapsed at the underground. Ambulance called by the time they arrived i had come round. I didn’t want a fuss so told them i would go to my GP. I did she informed me it was exhaustion by working every day and evening since returning. I have been off now since May 30th 2012 and have again gone back into the recluse mode. I am starting to forget the days and am having to ask repeatedly what day it is and check my phone and teletext.
I have Bailiffs at my door bills are mounting up and i have no support network. I am stuck and don’t see a way out or have any help to sort this out and the stress and strain is effecting me mentally and emotionally and yet i cant get help even when i ask forit.
seankevin seankevin
Dec 14, 2012