Waiting To Die

All my life I have wanted to die. I think about it every day. When I was 10, I made a feeble attempt and the only other time I developed a plan and started to carry it out was when I was 32. I taped a tube on my car exhaust and found an empty parking lot and sat there breathing in the fumes. But I chickened out---worrying about the poor person who would find me and the people who would be hurt.

So, from then on I have just been waiting. No one in my life knows this about me. Absolutely no one. I am 47 years old and have never told anyone that I have what psychologists would call 'suicidal ideation.'

Also, if you met me, you would never know. That is what always gets me when someone hears about someone committing suicide. "They seemed so happy" you so often hear. They would say that about me. A partner, a son, a dog, a cat, a beautiful home, a part-time job and part-time arts career. So, no, I haven't been lazy. I haven't been anti-social. I haven't sat in my room and ruminated over my desire to die all day for 47 years. It just simply IS.

Borne of a deeply seeded self-loathing I imagine. Not sure where it came from. One psychologist told me that it came from an external source because the words that fired in my brain in these moments of self-hate were "I hate YOU. YOU are an idiot. I wish YOU would die." He said if it was just me I would be saying "I". Nice to know but it didn't make any difference. I don't remember any particular events.

So, onward and upward until six-feet under. Wait. I do what I need to do. I make people laugh. I work for a good cause. I love my family. But I want to die. So badly. I am so tired and weary of living. I have medical issues that mean I live with physical pain all the time---I guess that doesn't help. Some days are fine, but then some days I wake up and I am glued to pharmaceuticals just trying to keep the pain at bay. That is when I want OUT more than ever. I've had surgeries and had medical teams try to help but to no avail. The unusual combination of medical circumstances I have mean no one knows how to help me. The final specialist I went to see told me "stop trying to find a cure--you never will--you are going to be in pain for the rest of your life." I wanted to kick him in the b**** on the spot! Can you imagine saying that to anyone? I looked him in the eye and said "tell me I have 6 months to live---but don't tell me I will live for 40 years in pain." Crazy.

Getting old is the second worse thing that's happened to me :) I know that sounds kind of funny but aging sucks. Things sag that I didn't know existed. I'm only 47 but my medical limitations make it hard and often painful to work out in the ways that other people can. So, although I'm not overweight, I am far from fit--and aging is not something I like to see in the mirror. I am only thankful that poor eyesight accompanies it!

So, I look in the mirror and think--'you are getting so ugly--you are horrible to look at' ...and then my family tells me they love me. I wish I could too.

Anyway, thats the start of my story. There's a lot more but I guess that will be enough for now. Anyone else ever have this? Does anyone else ever feel like living is so weary-ing that death always seems like a better option?
Dyingtooslowly Dyingtooslowly
46-50
Sep 10, 2012