Confused

im fifteen years old and i havn't felt emotions for a long time, im not even sure when it started to happen. I dont feel happy or sad, i feel nothing, when Im with others i think i use their emotions, its like i know what i should feel and i show it on the outside but i dont really feel it, i laugh and smile and make jokes but none of its real .  i find it really hard to trust anyone enough to tell them whats on my mind. I havn't spoken to anyone about this. My mum accuses me of being secretive but how can i tell her im not sure if i love her or not? in my head i know i love her but i cant be sure because i dont feel it.                                                      I think this happened when my dad left. I was 10 he picked me up from school one friday instead of my aunty, he took me to a house, he told me it was ours, i couldnt understand why he would need another house so i asked him questions, i asked if it was like a summer house for him my mum and myself, he told me yes. When we got home he told me to go upstairs while he spoke to mum, who was freaking out. I could her them shouting downstairs and thought it was because she'd gotten the wrong end of the stick and thought we'd be moving to this house. Anyway, my dad came into my room and told me he didnt love my mum anymore and that he'd be living in the house hed shown me. I cried all night, and attempted to console my distraught mum.                                  I've always been old for my years, and i knew he'd lied to me. So they first night i slept at his house, which was about two weeks after he left, i had a hunch that he was still lying to me. On top of the bathroom cabinet i found some makeup,put two and two together, he'd been cheating on my mum. I didnt want to believe it,and still havnt told anyone, i asked him the next day if he had a girlfriend he lied again. The next week he introduced me to a 'friend'. I definately knew she was his girlfriend, my mum used to tell me all the time that someone had seen him in a pub with his new girlfriend. I asked him again and this time he didnt lie. I've always come second to his girlfriend, he used to force her on me, she was nice enough but i knew it was only to impress my dad, it got to the point where evertime i saw my dad i saw her. Also he'd changed, had friends who were ten or more years younger than him,and kept trying to act like my friend. I was so upset, i need to talk to him, but the thing with my dad is he is very defensive to the point where he wont listen, so i wrote him a letter. I really thought he would listen, he didnt, he twisted everything around to make it sound like i was a jealous brat. I knew I'd never get my dad back, and at first that upset me but after a while i began not to care. He got a new girlfriend after about a year, he'd cheated on her.                                                        At the minute he doesn't have a girlfriend, occasionally he tries to act dad-like but i dont listen i lost all respect for him a long time ago. But unlike with my mum, i know i love her i just dont feel it, i dont think i love him. I've gradually shut down, sometimes i feel an emotion but i end up crying until i dont feel it anymore. And im so guarded that i had to fight instincts just to tell my friend which boy i thought was cute. Also its like i dont have a conscience anymore, i dont feel guilty when i lie to my mum, when i got so drunk my friends had to call my mum, or wen i got drunk and made one of my friends cry because i kissed the boy she liked. I had a boyfriend a couple of years ago, i liked him but as soon as we started going out it felt like every instinct i have was screaming at me to get out, the same thing happened this year i almost went out with someone but each time i even considered it i got the same feeling.                  Im so used to this that it seems normal, i dont feel anything for the people around me and i dont think i can trust anyone, i dont care  about anything and i dont want to do anything except read and listen to music. I dont know what to do.      

pappillion pappillion
13-15, F
2 Responses Feb 27, 2010

its denial. trust me i have somewhat of a similar situation but my dad hasn't left me, it would be better if he did tho.
i think you should accept the fact he's gone and try moving on? I'm not saying its easy . its **** hard and takes a lot of emotional strength which I'm guess you have lost it. take baby steps. not feeling anything is a reflex action of your heart trying to protect the little bit of sanity left in it. its kind of normal, when someone goes through so much trauma their mind tries to take a rational decision but their heart withdraws and puts of a protective wall around itself and hibernates( a little sketchy but just trying to paint a picture). so thats why you feel empty. i guess I'm too late i mean it been 4 years, but hope it helps. If you want to know more I'm than happy to explain. :)

i think what you need to do so take to someone about this cuz emotion is hard toget back once you lose it and i think others can help but this is one of those cases that are rare. not alot of people shut down competly like you have. i've heard of people like that but they got it back after they found someone they were willing to marry but i've only heard of these cases. so you may get feeling back after that but i don't 100% know.