I don't really know where to start; this is my first post.

Let's start off by saying that I am 20 years old, but not your typical college girl. I grew up in a family that constantly criticized me and, whether they meant to or not, they made me felt like I didn't belong there. This, in turn, encouraged me to withdraw into myself - I never felt like I belonged anywhere.

Self-pity is my middle name. Frustration and depression are right there along with it.

Because I never felt like anyone could accept or love me, I have a weird way of handling romantic relationships.

I am a popular girl. I am the typical swan princess - boys want to get to know me, but I am untouchable and I won't let them get too close to me. I have had a total of three official boyfriends up to date.

I have 'talked' with many guys in my lifetime; it always ends with them thinking that we are together. It always ends with both of us getting hurt. They will see that I am flirty with other people and I will feel guilty for making them feel pain. No one seems to get it when I say that I am only their friend; even if I am flirting with them... I consider them only a friend to me.

My second boyfriend was my first love. It was the first time I felt accepted by someone - the first time I felt love for another person. You could argue that I never knew what love was, so how could I know that I loved him? The simple answer... I knew I did.

He was insecure - more insecure than I was. I loved him up right until the end. I loved him even after he broke up with me without giving me a reason. I loved him even two years afterwards.

My third and current boyfriend was there for every breakdown. After my breakup, there were moments where I just wanted to die; the moments where I clutched my heart because it hurt there so much - he was there for me. Those moments where I would open my mouth to scream through my tears but nothing would come out, he would be there and hold me.

He was my escape during that time. It didn't take away the pain of being abandoned by my ex, but he made it possible to temporarily forget. He mixed me drinks and watched cartoons with me. I didn't have to hide my pain when I was with him.

He kissed me one night and we rolled into bed together. But after that, I disappeared. I wasn't ready for something serious.

He waited for me. Years after all this happened, here we are... together.

We have been together for a little over two years now. So much has happened between us. So much is different now.

I want to return to how we used to be. I want to return to when I felt open and safe with him. Too much has happened and, while he can still see me as the same girl that he fell in love with, I can't make myself feel vulnerable to him anymore.

We are both damaged people. I know that I can't expect him to be perfect. I can barely look at him now even though I want to be with him.

We were like a fairytale and I know that those feelings don't last forever. Once the Oxycontin chemical in the brain wears off after the first couple months of finding something, things are ought to change. But that just means that couples need to work harder to keep the spark, to find time for each other, and to make new memories.

I feel so lost. How do I find myself again? How do I find a way to open up again?
tofufingers tofufingers
22-25, F
2 Responses Aug 17, 2014

I enjoyed your story. You write well and you seem to be very intelligent.
I am sorry your family felt the need to always be critical of you.
May I opine?
It sounds like your family had a lot of energy and passion toward you but it was hard to receive because you needed more validation then external correction.
I see you are respecting yourself and have set up your own guidelines in life.

Hey, um I've beem depressed before so I might know how you feel, if you feel like you need someone to talk to just msg be if you're interested? : )