Adapted To Being Miserable

Life for me has been... odd.
I sleep during the day. Stay awake during the night, ever since the beginning of being homeschooled.
Thus, in all technicality, I have no friends. I don't know anyone. I have a cat. She is the only 'person' I communicate with, aside from my grandparents.
Emotions - I haven't exactly liked having them.
I don't get sad. I was at a close friend's funeral a year or two back, didn't even feel sad.
I get happy. And now more than ever. Though, it's still not enough. It's all temporary. When I work, I joke too much. I keep myself alive by not taking anything seriously. I keep myself away from misery by either being a complete robot, or being someone nobody could take seriously. Thus, everyone in the workplace is sick of me, yet tolerates my act. Because, it is that that keeps me going.
When I return to my home, to my lonesome, it takes over again. I am alone. I am bored with many a thing. I feel miserable.
It used to be complete depression. Nowadays, there are less days. But these days, when I do feel it, it feels extremely powerful compared to how it used to be.
When relationships, friendship, and many other topics come up, I leave. I notice that I get angry to an insanity point after making a small mistake. I am fed up with myself, with my emotions. Am I out of control? I certainly know that I have reached the point where I am so emotionally screwed up that I will be alone forever, that is a given. If any living person could tolerate me, and that is an IF, I wonder for how long.
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26-30
May 22, 2012