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Emotionally Hypersensitive, Adult ADD, Unable To Separate "Personal" From "Professional"

I'm 45, single-never married, 5 cats, laid off from full-time job, a hoarder, adult child of alcoholic, struggles with love addiction. A lifelong sufferer of major depression, I was diagnosed with ADHD, inattentive type, 2 or 3 years ago; I have been unable to find adequate therapeutic help tailored to adults in my large, urban, metro area. Not that I could afford it if I did- see first sentence!

No matter where I work, no matter what type of work it is, I always absorb others' feelings and perceptions, and thus experience heaps of extra stress (compounding the normal job stressors plus the executive function deficits of ADD). I take EVERYTHING personally.

Why can't I just be like a normal person and "park" my problems at the door? You know, separate the personal from the professional?

Considering my experiences from my first memories around age 3 to this day, I realize I've never been able to distinguish my emotional life from whatever it is I'm doing outwardly- they inseparably intertwine like pantyhose in the dryer with a wool blanket. What I do, I am and I feel.

I used to consider this an asset, in that I'm genuine, authentic and "what you see is what you get." But I'm realizing lately, as my overwhelming emotions are preventing me from doing anything without paralyzing fear and anxiety (causing my job search to feel like I'm stabbing myself in the eye), the world doesn't reward authenticity.

The world gives jobs to automatons and rewards the punctual, rather than empathetic, loyal, dedicated and creative rogues like me. (Perhaps this is why there are thousands of janitors in the US with PhDs.) To succeed in this world, it's not who you are- it's who you pretend to be.
arynix arynix 41-45, F Jan 28, 2013

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