I Am Feeling Raw and Exposed.

I have recently started allowing myself to feel again after many years of holding back my emotions.  Basically, I am so emotionally raw, it hurts like a pain in my body to feel these feelings, but feels good to feel again at all after so many years of controlling and manipulating my own emotions to suit what I thought they should be.  I am starting to realize that I can choose my feelings, but there are others that just need expressing without my changing them.  I had, for years, believed that I could simply completely control and choose every thought and feeling I had, and that this was the mark of a person in control of their life.  I have come to understand that there is a point of balance where I have to allow a large range of feelings and help many shades to be expressed, for with that ability to choose those thoughts and emotions comes consequences for not expressing what needs to be there.  Now that I am flexing some of those little-used emotional cords, it does hurt to feel some things again, like grief which I didn't allow and fear of future loss, and anger when I want to feel love for the one I am angry with.  Those things are much easier to choose not to feel, and I used to think that since you can't touch or measure thoughts and feelings, that made them go away.  But that was pretty niave.  I needed those feelings, and denied them to myself, and nearly had a nervous breakdown because of that.  So, from here on out, I am going to be honest, at least with myself, and let myself feel, even when it hurts.  It seems that is the only way to be stay sane.

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2 Responses May 27, 2009

I'm going through similiar experiences. Even though people may see my emotions as a sign of weakness, I disagree with them. In my field, people are highly competitive and many get crushed. I always breakdown whenever I hit a wall, but I don't give up. I let my emotions out and wait for them to subside before taking it in and doing something about it. I agree with you, expressing you feelings, although intense helps relieve the massive pressure that builds up inside.<br />
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I still get emotional breakdowns but now if I have to cry, I just let myself cry. Never use to do that, but I think that strength does not come from not falling, but from getting up everytime you fall ^_^

Its great just learn to shake it of later.