Lost Somewhere Between Then And Now

Sitting alone, unable to sleep, my mind whirling, continuously replaying the other night, comparing it to now...this moment. The stark difference shocks my system, momentarily stills my heart, and quiets my breath. My mind reels sleeplessly in confusion and disbelief.

Who was that man who needed me so....who held me tight and professed his unending love and desire...who opened his heart and coaxed me in, again? Who was that man who seemed to read my mind giving me what I want before I even had a chance to ask...saying all those things I needed to hear. Who was he? And who is this man who today looks upon me with a coldness in his eyes and ice in his heart....who is distant and unwelcoming....who seems to want to hurt me for sport....whose cruel words open old wounds that never seem to heal? Who is he....who are YOU? I feel like I know you better than anyone, yet there are times I don't feel I know you at all.
The suddenness with which our relationship changes makes my head spin. I can't keep up. I'm dumbfounded...confused...I can't understand. I being to wonder if it's all me. There has to be something I've done or haven't done. I tiptoe around you asking myself what I can do to get the man that I love back...the man who loves me back. I get anxious, paying careful attention to my words, my tone, my expression, yet it doesn't matter what I do or say because the problem doesn't lie with me. I'm just your scapegoat....your excuse...your outlet for all the pain and anger you've carried since childhood. I know this....deep inside I recognize this. Yet I still find myself questioning...questioning myself, my love, my loyalty, my sanity.
LG76 LG76
36-40, F
5 Responses Nov 12, 2012

Please don't let yourself hurt more than you have to. You are more valuable than you are being treated.

lol....perhaps, but love is irrational. At least mine is! :) I'm okay...I hurt, I get over it, and the cycle continues. xoxo

This may or may not be applicable to your case but one thing did spring to mind while I was reading this.

I watched a video the other day in which a man treated this very gentle woman with what I can only describe as disgust and hate. His actions towards her were that of a man who not only did not love his woman but a man who had a lot of hate, not for her but probably for himself.

It brought this thought to my head. "When you hurt, you hurt others." It's simple and yet so complicated. What were the reasons for this mans hurt? Whatever it was, this woman was bearing the brunt of all the anger he felt within himself. The hate and disgust he had for himself.

I've been there. Not realising that I was projecting my pain onto the one's I loved. Subconsciously I suppose it made me feel better to inflict the pain that I felt onto them. And because I knew they could not just walk away that made it all the more easier. Like an emotional punching bag for me to take out all my frustrations on. It wasn't pretty. And when I finally broke down and came to my senses. I realised that I had never known love. I had never known what it is to love. I had to learn how to do this again.

This may or may not be the case with your man. If you do want to talk about this you know where to find me.

Take care,


Wow...thank you for that, and for being so honest about your past. An emotional punching bag is exactly what I feel like...and I have told him as much. There are days he just wakes up with this look on his face and I know it's going to be one of those days...it's like he's mad at the world and needs someone to take it out on, that someone being me. He carries a lot of baggage from his childhood and I guess he doesn't know how else to deal with it. Sometimes I feel that he is trying to prove to himself that he is loved...that I love him enough to stay despite his hateful outbursts. I do believe he loves me to HIS fullest potential, yet I also know that his "love" for me is nothing like my love for him....we "love" very differently and I try to accept that difference. However, it doesn't make those moments any less painful or upsetting. I'm curious about what happened in your situation..... she had to leave you for you to realize that didn't she?

People that didn't/don't feel loved often unintentionally push away the one's whom they love and even those that love them back by their own learned actions. A friend of mine just wrote, "In a world where there are manipulators and abusers it is better to be cold and cruel. That is the best way to be kind to yourself..." Somewhere along the lines, life teaches these people and sometimes even you and I that it is not better to love, in fact to love constitutes weakness. So they decide to shut down and not feel past a certain level. Only choosing to give without losing themselves completely. So what we then tend to do is give only enough to keep what we have. We don't give to see the other flourish. It is a selfish thing. But life will have taught us that being selfish, taking care of yourself first is the best way to protect yourself. How do you come out of this? Well, there has to be a REAL threat that one will LOSE those closest to him if he does not seek healing/help. Not only that. There has to be a realisation of the misery you are causing you supposed "loved" ones to feel. That is the where the turning point for me occured. I could not bear the thought of not only losing the people who mattered most to me, and I did not like the thought of causing pain to these people either. Losing someone because you are incapable of loving is one thing, but hurting someone because you carry hate and anger within you is another. The hate, that is what I could not allow to live in me. How I came about this revelation? You would be shocked to find out. It was the oddest experience which brought me to tears, literally. I did not even understand why I was crying at the time. But it was necessary for healing to occur. I will inbox you if you want to hear more.

Reading your comments here actually take my breath away...like a punch in the gut almost, lol. It's as if I'm finally feeling confirmation, validation of what I have felt and suspected for so long. You have no idea how invaluable your insight is to me...Thank you. I would love to hear more and continue talking...please inbox me sweetie :) xoxo

I'll inbox you soon. xox

1 More Response

Sorry LG. You don't deserve that kind of treatment. Just remember that the problem is his, not yours.

Are you serious...till when are gonna continue this..

I guess that is for me to decide.

Be strong sweetie....

*hugs* to you