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My Life Is

I used to have a eating disorder. My parents found out and i swore i would never do it again. I stuck to the promise but im still scared of the amount of calories i take in each day, the amount of excerise i dont get because im not alowed to exercise at the gym anymore cause im not allowed to "diet" anymore. Just cause im scared to eat dosnt mean i still have bulimia or anorexia it means that i quit cold turkey and its extremly hard to change your thoughts on something. Do you know how hard it is for me to eat a vegitarian meal(forgot to mention im vegitarian/vegan) for me now. Not to even go in to detail how my family thinks im a burdan on them/ just a dissapointment to them. They told me to my face " mackenzie, you are a disspointment to this family" and im now emotionly unstable. I cry about my bad habbits that i had. I laugh at nothing. I become depressed so easily. And is it bad that the person i trust is my ex/best friend. I can trust him with anything, i love him. I cant walk into a room without being asked by my mom saying " what did you eat today?" then i say what i had( which to them isnt alot but to a person whos ****** up in the head about food it is alot) and then we get into a HUGE fight, just because they dont get what i have delt with about girls being mean and guys making fun of weight. I lost it all as i grew but then i got affraid when i gained 3 pounds. Soo thats how my bulimia started. But just because they dont get me dosnt mean every single day should be a battle. Im considering suicide at the momment, help me... No SAVE ME.
Savemyliferightnow Savemyliferightnow 13-15, F 5 Responses Jun 29, 2011

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Sweetie, don't worry about what other people think. If you would benefit from therapy, wouldn't you want to go? This is your life we are talking about. You said that you are considering suicide. Honey, that's severe depression. It can fluctuate too. You can be fine one moment and suicidal the next, that's a chemical imbalance. <br />
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You really should see a professional, such as a doctor, and let him/her evaluate you and let him/her be the one to determine if you need medication or not. I cannot tell you that you need medication and you cannot tell yourself you don't. I think you would benefit from a doctor consultation, Honey.<br />
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This is serious. <br />
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Save these phone numbers so if you are in a crisis, please call for help: 1-800-273-8255, or 1-800-784-2433 (available 24/7).

thank you for the comment, and no to both of those questions. I am not on medication or attending therepy. I feel like if i attend therepy everyone at my highschool would think im crazy. And i dont hink i need medication. Also, i think i might have that disorder. Just possibly, sounds about right. Again thank you

Well it does get better. The more we learn to "focus" on other things, the healthier we get. I know it is so hard to let go of the obsession because it is the dominating thought. Ugh, I feel for you. But I promise, you can get well.<br />
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Therapy, therapy, therapy. And medication. You are depressed or fluctuate into depression on and off and this is what causes our brain chemistry to be off so far and the obsession/compulsion takes over.... Which by the way is an anxiety disorder. You more than likely have Body Dysmorphic Disorder too, which does get better as we get well. <br />
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We have to be in recovery and therapy of some kind and have a relationship with our Higher Power to get well. We are either in recovery or into our illness.<br />
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1.) Are you getting any counseling?<br />
2.) Are you taking any medication for depression and anxiety?<br />
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And no! You are NOT a burden! You are allowed to be where you are in your life with your illness right here and right now. Never feel like a burden! God made you and you are precious,,, a princess.

Everything is kinda going on the right track now, my boyfriend is helping through most of it even though it makes me feel like a burden. Because i dont wanna put all my problems on his shoulders but he wants to help. I still feel bad about it though. Anyways i try to avoid food but i cant really sneak it by mom. Its hard when your mind is so affraid of fat and gainin weight when you know that you need some food to substain a life. Its difficult bei g anorexic/bulimic you know? Nobody else really knows how you feel besides other people with this metal illness

Hey Sweetie, what's going on? Talk to me and let's see if we can get you going in the right direction. I understand suicidal ideation very well and used to be border anorexic and I occassionally am still bulimic. So I totally understand. Talk to me Sweetie.<br />
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I haven't been suicidal in almost 4 yrs now since I've been on a mood stabilizer.