I Just Have To Write This Down

A contractor came to repair my the roof of my house just a moment ago. While he was stepping into my house, he did not take off his shoes. You see, in Malaysia, one doesn't wear shoes into the house. The most is, we switched to clean slippers. Obviously I provided a pair of slippers to him. I told him to take off his shoes, twice, he showed me a smiley face saying it would only take a while in the house. I was mad, very mad, but I did not yell. My mental film went like this;

I would whack his head with the iron rod they had in the vehicle and told them to get out. I would yell until the entire neighborhood heard it. I wanted to beat him over and over...

Sometimes I am like this, I get angry over a very tiny reason. I know it's a trigger. It's trying to tell me something. The anger wants to be let go. I felt out of control. Why wasn't he listening to me? It's my ******* house, he should listen to me. When he didn't, I lost control, well almost. What is this entire thing about? Was this about feeling ignored and unimportant?

If I get like this, only a tiny little pill can calm me down. I am not violent by nature. But there is this rage in me that over takes me at times. And I feel extremely ashamed after that.
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May 16, 2012