The Burning Ocean

I am a PROFOUNDLY emotional or unstable person: take your pick lol....I haven't yet found a way to express this aspect of myself, because the very sensitivity I feel causes me pain so deep that I can't express it: that pain causes a deep feeling of internal instability and weakness, that in turn makes me 'dissociate' from my feelings...all the passion, desires, and emotions that flood me at times making me feel like I'm on fire 24/7.....it's hard dealing with such strong feelings so I try to be almost 'robotic' or just emotionless on the surface, but underneath, I'm just really emotionally frightened and wild....I've learned emotional discipline on the surface, but I haven't learned how to deal with these feelings properly and express them with a lover....I fear that my emotions are too overpowering, or will end up alienating the people I love from me....but I feel resentful towards them and myself for lying, and feeling as if I can't trust anyone on a deeper level...what a helluva ride....My pride won't allow me to let anyone get close....I can't be weak, I can't NEED someone, and yet I'm ONLY human so I'm subject to suffer it....such a base primordial fear runing my life, and yet, I know It's wrong....

I feel so primordial at times that I just disconnect from those 'primal' feelings and bury my feelings deep inside me until I'm unaware of what I feel....until I'm numb....sometimes I want to admit to that special someone that I want to be held and I need them, but then I know that the 'death cycle' I go through would kick in and I would fall apart in their presence....I feel I must be the strength in the relationship, so I bear my pain in secrecy and in a weird sort of pride....I know I shouldn't hold on but I can't let go....I want to scream, and cry this out to someone, to let them see my demons and know that I can be loved for them....I'm tired of carrying a perpetually cold outer appearance...(years of practice lol) but I want to be 'honest' with someone....I want to invite someone in to the 'real world' that is my inner life....not the surface that they see....I've had people hit on me but I coldly brush them off....to protect myself, but I KNOW that it's wrong....I want so much to show them I'm crazy.....showing someone your flaws, and weaknesses....is that love?