Borderline? You're Crazy!

I have BPD, I was diagosed with it when I was eighteen, that was five years ago now. At the time of diagnoses I was not told much about it and it is only now that I am starting to understand it, through my own research. I was misdiagnosed for many years and I was put on several medications that were not suitable for my condition.

I first started getting symptoms when I was 12 years old. I developed bulimia when I was 13 and by the time I was 15 I was self harming and drinking alone. My drinking and cutting got more serious and eventually I attempted suicide twice. After the second attempt I was hospitalised for a month and this is when I got my diagnoses. I stopped drinking for six months and went to college and started to cope a bit better. Unfortunatly I started drinking again and it led to a downward spiral which ended in another suicide attempt two and a half years later. I subsequently dropped out of college.

I have been sober now for over a year and a half and I haven't self harmed in quite a while. I came back to college and I am trying hard not to get sucked into another destructive cycle again. However I am finding my anger very hard to deal with and I can be quite a monster which I hate.

I have serious problems with all kinds of relationships. Now it has come to a point that I just avoid people at all costs. I will not get close to anyone because of my fear of abandonment and because at this stage I do not trust most people. I am starting to accept now that I will end up alone if I don't recover from this condition.

I am very tired of living with this condition and furthermore, living with the stigma of this condition. It is a heavy load to bare. People simply assume that you are insane and they stay clear of you. I have been looked down on, ignored and I have had people grab at my arms and laugh at my scars while showing them to a group of their friends. I have also been dumped by a 'wonderful' guy when he realised how my scars got there! Charming!

People need to talk about this condition more, and all mental illnesses. We need to do this to educate others and bring an end to this ignorance. We need to do this to relieve some of the hell that we go through all day every day.

If anyone would like to comment on my story I would really appreciate it. Especially sufferers of the condition and people who want to learn more about it.


lughnasa lughnasa
22-25, F
3 Responses Mar 9, 2009

I have recently been diagnosed with bpd after years of being treated for psychosis, depression and anxiety. IM trying to get my head round it at the moment. Everything you have written is exactly what i go through. It feels good knowing there are people i can hopefully talk to about it. If you ever need a chat feel free :)

You are not alone! I have a friend who suffers through borderline everyday. The hole abandment issues and mood swings and self harming and drugs and anger - it hard for everyone - but i believe that as a friend if i abanden her then her fears will come true which will just make her more likely to believe everyone will leave her. so i try my best to understand her as I to know how hard life can be at times, as i have bipolar disorder. - there are others on this site who are awsome, so keep posting and you will find great suport. I'm always here if you want to talk too. :)

Thanks that is reassuring! congrats on being the first to comment! you are honoured!