I am empty because I live a lie and my past haunts me.

I have so many things in my head driving me insane, feel like I am in a daze so sorry if nothing makes any sense. In this hole I find myself death seems to be the only logical way out.


I know I should have figured out most of the stuff by now, but I have just been existing my whole life just going with the flow and now the flow is not going anywhere, I am not sure what I feel, what I am, what I want, is it real or just my imagination, why now? 


Lets start with one of the issues I am struggling with, am I gay or strait?

I think I am straight because not physically attracted to women, I am to men a nice six pack a strong fit body that’s attractive. But I don’t like being touched or kissed I hate being intimate with either,  I am ashamed to admit that I am in a gay relationship we keep it a secrets always lying making excuses avoiding conversation But then so many ppl have asked if I am gay, even before my relationship,  I am a bit rough around the edges does that make me gay ?Am I gay just don’t want to admit it or am I just confused? Basic anatomy should be a hint that gay is not the right way and then there is God and the whole bible thing, which I have, screw up pretty bad.


Am I just looking for excuses do I really know what love is am I throwing something good away? How does someone get over what I have been doing to them for 7 years lying telling them I love them in there face? What was I thinking? Have I been lying or just denying? How do I tell her the truth and how will she believe me, what is the truth? Knowing her she will accuse me of finding someone else that will hurt her even more. I never wanted to hurt her I just did not have the guts to tell her that I only like her as a friend, is there such a thing as friends? I never had friends or relationships did not know how to deal with it. I could not face ending up on the streets yes I am spineless and pathetic. The again love friendship shelter have always had a price and I had choices. I am confused and I am sure I have confused you by now. 


So I don’t think God has got much time for me. And I don’t think the world either there is no place for ppl like me, All I ever wanted was to be loved to have maybe some friendship and to have a purpose to not hurt others, but maybe I don’t deserve that, everything that has happened the way I feel is punishment for what I have done wrong in my life so I should stop complaining right now and just accept the consequences……….

Blind Blind
36-40, F
3 Responses Aug 10, 2007

if you are gay because your in love with a woman and you fell comfortable with her then it doesnt matter what anyone thinks as long as your happy you where born this way about the god thing if he didnt love the gays then gays would not exist im not gay but i have a 21 year old niece that is and when she told me i was supportive this is how you feel and no one cant change that so be happy live a long happy life if your gay god put you here on this earth for a purpose dont you ever forget that.

The first sentence of your story caught my eye. You sort of took the words right out of my mouth. I read a book a little while ago that focussed on misogynist relationships. My parents share one. As a kid I became obsessed with their feelings. My own didn't exist, weren't important at all.<br />
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Now I am an adult and I think I am facing the same identity issues you are. I don't know who I am or what I want. I feel like a fraud all the time. My life isn't going anywhere - and it's going there fast.<br />
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As a kid, did you have dominating adults close to you too? Parents, teachers or caregivers who were so needy themselves they overlooked your needs? People through whose eyes you looked at yourself? And now that their influence is subsiding you feel empty, without any sense of identity or purpose - since this happened to me.

I'm sure that millions of people have gone through the same thing as you. Find your inner strength, it's there. Come clean with who you really are and wish to be. The rest will fall into place eventually and you be stronger in the end.