The title is misleading, as is my life.
Growing up in pain, I wouldn't make a sound to attract attention to myself, because it usually meant I was in trouble.
I would play by myself, not creating imaginary friends or places, but self entertainment.

As soon as the summer breakfast was over, I headed outside!! I could barely wait to hit the creeks, smell the breeze, feel the bark on the trees and see what new tracks awaited me that morning and wondering where I was going to end up this time.

You see, I followed animal tracks. I rarely knew what I was following, I just knew I would. That is how I found out raccoons lived in the hollows of trees and they could be very mean and they had a language all their own!

As I walked I wondered when my happiness would begin. Oh it wasn't an all encompassing thought, just a thought.
Everyone seem to have Someone...although I lived in a family, I felt like I had No One. I just felt like I did not belong, my sister played dolls and I found that sooo boring, putting words into a silly doll.
I wanted to discover new things!!
But I did not have anyone to share this with. I wasn't girly-girly, but I wasn't a hard-core Tom Boy, but I could climb trees, help change out oil on the car, shoot a slingshot and a BB gun with pretty good accuracy - and I really liked that about me.

But I wanted to Belong, to be a part of Something that had ME in it. It never happened....not even now. How sad that I keep trying, it is like the Fates are saying, ''Really chick, do you not get it, you don't belong nor are you Wanted. Jeeze! She is really dense.''

                         To be Loved
                          To be wanted
                          To not to have to go to bed alone
                          To not have to awaken to . . . no one
                          To matter to Someone

. . . but I am just understanding, that That does not mean it will happen for me.
It makes me want to pull out my hair and climb the highest tower and scream, ''I KNOW YOU ARE OUT THERE!!!!! WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO FINALLY GET HERE?"

I am entitled to answers.
Then I realized, I am entitled to nothing, no one or even the slightest hint of happiness,
and now I am beginning to think,
this is all there is.

How sad.

cheysghost cheysghost
56-60, F
1 Response Nov 27, 2012

Chey,please never give up on hope,may I remind you your words from a previous post"I am young, vibrant, full of moxy and adventure!! Not I this drab grey being that is flashed before my eyes - banish her, for I know her not!"
This is a very difficult time of the year for so many,I think I need not elaborate any further,( you and I know ).
You are gifted with a lovely kind heart and many of us here hold you in very high esteem so please never give up.
Your friend. :-)