Envious Of A Close Friend I'm Attracted To And Well I'm Just Envious.

I'm envious of a close friend I've been attracted to. I've known on her on this fansite for many years now. She rejected me once because she was already in a long distance relationship and yeah she really liked him. When she broke up, I was hoping she come for me instead but she never felt that way for me. But privately I never gave up, I can't believe I subconsciously kept it so long.

A month ago she announced she was in a great relationship with another good buddy of mine on the site. I can't hide how upset I feel, I feel so damn envious even though I thought I was over it the first time. Privately she says our friendship doesn't change and that friendship isn't a consolation prize. Anyone else I think this is utter bullshit to make me feel better but she was always the anti-dating type and will only commit to a relationship if she knew someone a long time like at least a year or two. So friendships are actually important to her since she's very nearly extremely platonic. Even though she cares, genuinely cares about the friendship and tried to help I have a feeling I should slowly ditch this friendship or at least find other good friends; I feel if I rely on her emotional support it will just end in tears. I can't break an old habit that easily a lover for me is way above friends, since most of my friends are for intellectual sharing or fun (which isn't that high a priority for me) rather than emotional support. Another habit I had is I infatuate with a female in multi-year spurts till I give up. She at least is the first infatuation I had real conversations with.

She always seem so happy, ok privately sometimes she tells me and others she isn't but I'm envious she found love, it wasn't with me, and her positive attitude. Sometimes people's positivity annoys you cause you can't get the good stuff for yourself. Sorry I'm like that, I'm the sort of guy who can be the top 0.1% of something and envious of all the geniuses above me. But you know envy goes both ways, people envy the money I make, my skills at certain things or my grades but I don't give a damn about that really or I don't want to be with a chick who just goes for me due to these things. I rather be single than be with a woman like that. At least she understood and appreciated me quite a bit, still...

It hurts me every time when they say lovely things to each other in public. When talking to either one its good but together I can't help but envy. I tell myself to let it go and put the feelings into a ball and throw it away. It helps but doesn't work every time like today. I don't like breaking off two of my closest friends but I feel I need new friends before the envy kills me or I start another round of I hope she breaks this relationship off and is attracted to me finally feeling.
rcc2012 rcc2012
31-35, M
May 13, 2012