This Is Not Me. I Have To Get Over This.

About ten years ago, I had a boyfriend, and we were together for seven years. I had hoped for commitment for a long time, and he had no interest in commitment or kids or anything that I wanted; he was essentially a large child. I stayed with him because we enjoyed each others' company and I thought he'd eventually grow up. Unfortunately, before he had a chance to do so, his penis strayed a bit. I broke up with him and he was truly heartbroken, and proceeded to go to all of our friends' houses, weeping loudly and telling them how mean I'd been to him. I guess it's just human nature to only listen to the first side of a story that you hear, and I wasn't the type to tell everyone what had transpired, so they drew the natural conclusion. I really did wish him the best, but wasn't willing to put up with that kind of crap from a fundamentally weak person. He disappeared to another continent, and I started over, forging new friendships and picking up the pieces. We did not stay in contact with one another. I have to confess that I occasionally (like yearly or when I remember) will check his facebook page to see what he's up to, and although we are not fb friends, we have many shared acquaintances.

Shortly after, I met and married my husband, who is everything (positive) that the ex was not. He's strong, knows what he wants, and makes me feel safe, like part of a real relationship. He's my best friend, my lover, everything I need him to be. I only hope I'm the same for him.

All these years later, I desperately want a child. There have been a couple of miscarriages that devastated me completely, and I've only recently recovered. (The most recent was four years ago.) I'm afraid to try again. I have a good life, but whenever someone I love (or hate or know) has a child, I am overwhelmingly envious and don't know what to do with myself. If I love them, I get over it, and if I hate them, it takes longer. I've never thought of the ex as someone I hated, and always told myself (and others) that i wished him well. He stayed in the country he'd moved to after our breakup and gotten married about a year ago. Good for him.

So today, when I opened my facebook account, on the side tab where it says "People You May Know", there's his name with a picture of the most beautiful baby. I opened it and he'd set it to public. I opened it, and there he was being everything he could never be when we were together: a husband, a proud father. I want to say I wish him well, and I certainly don't wish him any harm, but I WAS THE ONE WHO WANTED THIS SO BADLY!!! Why was he the one who got it, when it never interested him? (I know, he probably finally grew the f*** up...)

I'm afraid to talk to my husband because I don't want him thinking I want to go back to my ex (I definitely don't) and I don't want him to feel bad because he and I haven't had a child together. I'm normally a very easygoing, relaxed person, and I don't often feel envious. I don't think I've EVER felt this envious before, though.

I guess I need to bury this and get past it, because I can't let it keep dragging me down. This is not who I am.
guavachick guavachick
36-40, F
1 Response Nov 30, 2012

I'm eternally grateful for my daughter but sometimes I feel envious of people too who have babies because I desperately wanted another child. Then I catch myself feeling guilty about feeling envious. Your feelings are so normal and you're lucky to have the man of your dreams who, will be the ideal father and loving, faithful husband you need.