Envy is a typical human emotion. Universal, really. Everyone feels it about something. But for me, I feel it about odd things. I wish I had this, or I wish I had that, and honestly, it's frustrating and makes me feel like a bad person.

My friend recently found a ferret. Yes, a ferret. Out in Arizona. It was just...wandering around, lost. She put up ads for it, posted on craigslist, checked with veterinarians... No one claimed it. So, she adopted it into the family. He is happy now, and having a great life. My friend loves him.

The problem with me and this situation, however, is that I have been wanting a ferret for four solid years. I've been in college for those four years, and I have not been allowed to have pets due to my campus's restrictions on animals. A few months back, I finally moved into my own apartment. But when I was ready to get a pet, my parents refused to allow it. And normally this wouldn't be an issue because I have the money for it. However, I live at home during summer and my parents help me pay for school, so I have to respect their wishes. Unfortunately for me, this meant no pet. Which might not seem like a big deal to most people, but I have severe depression and I'm alone a lot of the time I'm in my apartment. Well, kind of. I live with my roommate and her to-be fiance and their cat.

They have a happy little family together and I'm stuck feeling like the permanent third wheel in my own home. It's horrible. So I board myself up in my room and don't really come out unless I'm leaving the apartment. They have the living room and kitchen and rest of the apartment because that's just what they do. Cuddle on the couch, cook things together, and they play happily ever after with their precious kitten and adorable little life.

And then there's me. The shadow on the wall that everyone forgets exists.

I've grown up with animals my whole life. From the time I was born my parents had cats and dogs around me and I naturally bond with them, usually better than I bond with humans. Over the past several years, I lost one of my best friends, moved 600 miles away from home, moved away from my remaining friends, pets, family, and broke up with an abusive ex-boyfriend after two years of disrespect and false love. All of this while struggling through 15+ hours of college work, athletics, and loneliness. So for me, animals are my therapy. But I don't have any.

When I knew I would be moving to an apartment eventually, I picked out the perfect pet for me: a ferret. But I haven't been able to get one at all. When my friend found this one and took it in and it turned out to be the best mannered and most well behaved, fun loving, gorgeous creature ever, my heart burst into flames of envy and spite. It wasn't fair. She lived at home, she had 4 dogs, 5 cats, 2 hamsters...and now a ferret. My dream pet. And she just found it. Just like that. It just walked into her hands while I'm drowning in my misery and depression without anyone to talk to or anything to hold, no companion to help me through it all.

Which is fine, I guess. I deal with things on my own. I don't need others to help me. I'm used to dealing with it all on my own and keeping my demons to myself as it should be. No one else needs to know about my problems or be burdened with my pains.

However, when things did start getting really bad and I was scared that I was going to drive off the road one day or take a bunch of pills or dig too deep with a razor, I did contact a counselor and we got in touch and started cognitive therapy sessions. Unfortunately, counselors can't diagnose someone with anything or give them anything in the lines of medication to help. So I was left needing to contact a psychiatrist. I looked into a lot of things myself too, although self-diagnosis is highly inaccurate.

Around the same time, one of my other friends was admitted to the hospital for the same scary thoughts and behaviors. While there, she was given all kinds of tests and things and put on medication and did therapy and the whole nine yards. Which is really sad that it had to come to a hospital visit, but the good news is that it set her on the right track, which she really needed to be on and still is on.

But, here again comes the envy train.

While she did all of that and what not, I waited for about a month and a half for a visit to a psychiatrist. However, when the date finally arrived, unforeseen circumstances required me to change it. I tried to reschedule an appointment, but the dates were all filled for the next month or so and I would be home in a different state by that point, so I just canceled it altogether.

Now, I did try one medication that my general doctor prescribed me right before he resigned from work or was fired from it (still don't know what happened to him). The medication was Duloxetine aka Cymbalta. It didn't help. I got worse and worse and worse to the point where I had to quit. I tried to make an appointment with my doctor about it, but he was gone by then. I went to three different doctors and recommendations that day because my suicidal thoughts were getting really prominent again. I ended up going home around seven at night in the rain with no answers, more suicidal thoughts, and no hope. I had to ween myself off of the medication, and that was certainly a trip in and of itself. Bottom line, once I was off, things were better. Er...back to "normal". But the problem is that I'm still depressed. Those pills only made it worse. When I got off of them, nothing was fixed. I still needed something to help because my production levels were dropping horribly. I was miserable.

While my friend got her medication working, visited doctors, got help from the hospital, a diagnosis, a counselor, and a therapist, I got nothing but dead ends, pills that made things worse, and no answers after waiting months for even a simple visit to a psychiatrist.

Out of luck and defeated, I gave up on getting any more medication or even a simple diagnosis. I continue to struggle with sleep, schedules, production, attention, and mood control. I'm always tired, I don't sleep right or I sleep too much, I can't get my schoolwork done that I need to get done, and I have no drive for anything.

The envy comes back whenever my friend mentions her mental disorders. And honestly, I just want a diagnosis myself. The reason for that is stupid, maybe even selfish, but I feel as though my problems aren't real or they don't exist... That, and I feel as though my friend has a legitimate excuse for her behaviors and short comings, if she ever has any such as in with schoolwork and late grades and what not. And since she's been to the hospital and all, she has proof. I have nothing. For me, I just have to deal with whatever comes my way and hope that someone will believe me if I ever need to explain why I slept for an entire day, why I didn't sleep for three days, why I didn't come to class, why all my work is late, or why I act the way I do. There isn't a real reason, to me. It's just me being a terrible person.

It's really sad that I feel this way. I know I shouldn't. And to clarify, I am not envious of my friend's mental disorders, I'm envious of the fact that she had hers legitimatized by professionals while I might not even have anything at all and will probably never even find out. I'll just be that weird kid, again. As per usual. The one who leaves class because of panic attacks and the one who never says a word to anyone. I probably have nothing wrong with me anyway. I'm just a wimp, really. I just want a valid excuse to justify my lazy and pathetic behavior, probably.

This envy is something I'm absolutely sick of but cannot kick. It's like a drug. Once it's there, it stays, and you keep feeding it and feeding it with habitual thoughts and repetitions and beliefs. It's horrible. But I don't know what to do about it. It's just how I feel. I want a formal diagnosis, I want a pet here, I want so many things... A boyfriend I can cuddle on the couch with, a perfect body like my roommate's, or even medication that just works and makes me stop feeling this way.

But, I'll never get those things, probably. Not anytime soon, anyway. So I'll just go on living this way because nothing is wrong with me and it's all in my head and I'm just being a whiny baby about it all. Oh well. Life goes on.
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Apr 23, 2015