My Sisters Despise Me


Both of my sisters have stopped speaking to me since I lost my job and moved back in with our mother. I made overtures to both of them to be friendly, asked what I had done to offend them and basically turned myself inside out trying to reconcile with them. My mother concluded that they are jealous and feel that she has helped me more than she has helped them (she would have helped them too, if they'd needed it) and also that they are concerned that my kids and I are eating into their "inheritance." (As if there was WAS an inheritance.)  My mother has run into financial problems for which I know they blame me and they told her they wanted a "meeting" to discuss it.  I got insanely curious about what they were trying to accomplish and I hacked my sister's email. (Her "security" question was a no-brainer.)  What I found blew me away. More than 2 years worth of daily emails between both sisters in which they rip me apart. One sister speaks to my mother almost daily by phone then apparently jumps online and recites her twisted version of whatever my mother tells her about what my kids and I are doing, etc. Then they just shred me. They refer to me as "The Queen."  Laughed uproariously about my attempts to befriend them. Discussed their plans to evict me from the house when my mother dies (I don't plan to still be here, but I guess they don't  realize that.) They make snide remarks about my parenting. They take the most innocuous or even nice things my mother tells them and just go to town. I guess I deserved this for snooping, but I'm devastated. I loved them. I cried for weeks and still cry when I think about it.  I've begged my mother not to tell them anything about us, good, bad or indifferent, but that is a lost cause. What I want to know is how do I just get over this and go forward without caring what they think??? I don't see EVER reconciling. I don't think I'd want to now that I've seen how they talk about me. My feelings are so hurt. Funny think is they were never close until they bonded over me as the common enemy. I'm rambling now........ I need to talk to others who understand how this feels.
HeadHeldHigh HeadHeldHigh
46-50, F
5 Responses May 17, 2011

You can't get past it until you accept that they will not accept you. You have what they want, whether itis available for them or not. You are going to find so much happiness within your own life if you remember three things. 1, Biology doesn't make a family. 2. Your mother knows the truth, and 3. You can't change anyone else, only how you look at yourself, so walk away. Be happy and know your mother approves of you.. so you should follow suit. She is a pretty smart lady, she did make you, afterall

Did you find a way to reconcile with your sisters. My situation hasn't changed. I have invited them over for family bbq's etc but they won't come. they won't even answer me, only leaving a message on my Dad's answering machine. One actually emailed and says she cares about me, but our relationship has changed forever now. I don't know why this still bothers me. I don't really need my sisters in my life. It's just a shame it has to be this way. My Dad is 80 now and they are running out of time to mend bridges as a family. I guess they're not interested anymore. It saddens my Dad which in turn saddens me as well.

An update of my story.... first I read an amazing book called The Forgiveness Myth; How to Heal Your Hurts, Move on and Be Happy Again When You Can't or Won't Forgive by Gary Egeberg and Wayne Raiter. This book saved my sanity and I highly recommend it. I made the choice that being and continuing to try to be in their lives was too damaging to me and when my oldest sister got married I declined her wedding with a very honest letter stating that she, my other sister, and her fiance had done nothing but call me names, make snipes behind my back and act self-righteous about my living situation. I told her I could not imagine she really wanted me there and that I would certainly not be comfortable there. A few months later my partner was diagnosed with incurable stage 4 lung cancer. To my surprise my sister sent me a supportive email that seemed very sincere. Quite slowly I began to respond to her gestures and she and the other sister (though a bit less so) stuck by my side through a year of my partner's illness and then her death. In that time we have mended the fences and they have come to recognize the real situation with me taking care of my mother, not sponging off her. We are not working together as my mother gets older to deal with the things that must be done and are very sensitive. My only advice would be, 1. Read that book! 2. Don't try to force reconciliation, it cannot be forced and makes them dislike you even more, 3. Don't feel you must defend yourself, instead, make yourself and your healing the priority and take care of yourself, 4. Don't rule out a happy or at least acceptable ending to the situation, no matter how bad it seems. Thank you all for the support and kindness you have given me, I could not have gotten through this without a safe place and understanding people to talk to.
Link for the book at Amazon is:

I'm glad things are getting so much better for you. I will read that book you recommended. My father passed away in October last year and the situation with my sisters worsened. Dad changed his will to go equally between his four children ( I have a brother too) and did so before he passed. Even that didn't change their attitude to me. Dad hoped it would but the day after he died, they moved into his house for a week and took what they wanted. Within a week they had solicitors onto my husband as he is executor, demanding Dad's financials and time the house will be sold. It has been such a nightmare that we only contact through solicitors now. I guess once everything is finalised, I will never hear from them again as they will have their money and no further reason to contact. Perhaps for the best.

I am so sorry to hear that things have gotten worse....I had a horrible time with my partner's family when she died, but I won't even go into that mess. I really do think the book will help you, it helped me heal without the need to forgive and I needed permission to do that.

I am a casting director casting a positive show about estranged siblings. We are trying to help...Please let me know if any of you are interested. Thanks :)

I know exactly how this feels too. My sisters decided I was the enemy when my father said he would be leaving his house to me in his will. To cut a long story short, the house was originally mine, and I signed it over many years ago after my Dad lost his because of business problems. I was on another path with a new man and leaving town and my Mum and Dad were losing their home, so I signed my house over, with its mortgage. Since then, I have helped my father rebuild his business after returning home. I do have my own home (and mortgage too) but he felt I deserved his place for the effort I had put in, and the past circumstances. My mother has passed away and he is on his own now. At the time, I simply said "whatever you want Dad"and had a strong feeling that he would change his mind in time and provide for his 4 kids equally. So I just let it slide. My sisters on the other hand sent emails spewing about the unfairness of his decision. They were also aware that we had spent thousands on Dad's house just prior to his announcement. <br />
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I was livid at the way they addressed the situation. I emailed them back, each the same letter ,asking them when in their lives did they ever help our parents. Did they ever help in Dad's business? Both accepted the cars Dad gave them during their lives, but did nothing in return. (I left school at 14 to work with Dad) Did they help when the business went bad? Would they have signed their house over? All sorts of questions I placed to them, and as I did, I became more and more aware that they had done nothing at all over the years except take, take, take. Regretfully now, I ended that email, referring to them as circling vultures, which is how I felt by the time I finished the email. <br />
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These two sisters also had no time for each other and now they are the best of buddies. They still rarely talk to my Dad and do nothing for him anyway. They wouldn't know if he were dead or alive, but they want their share when he goes. It's all very distasteful. I also have a brother who has been estranged from the family for years and knows nothing of this. They don't want HIM included in the will though. They made that clear as well. What a nerve. <br />
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This has affected my daughter and niece as well who don't know what to think of the situation, so it has remained stagnant for years, and probably will do for many yet. I was hurt at the time. Maybe my vulture remark hurt them. I have thought of apologising for using the term, but then I rethink and I still feel the same way anyway. <br />
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My Dad has since redone his will, and it's left between the 4 children - not three but four. I asked if he was going to let them know to stop the fued, and he said no. They can find out when he dies. Its all rather distasteful really. I prefer not to think about it all. But I do know how you feel about bitchy sisters and their bitterness towards you. <br />
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I have no advice because I don't know what it right to do myself, or even if it's worth worrying about anymore. But you're definately not alone...........I well understand.

I do understand exactly how you feel! I have a pair of siblings that behave in a similar fashion,<br />
and have decided for my own mental health not to have contact with them again. <br />
I did read a good book, The Four Agreements, in which one of the agreements you make with<br />
yourself is to realize that 'people are acting out of their own pain' and to not take what they<br />
do (or don't do to you) personally. It is of course, easier said then done- but it allows you to look<br />
at them differently, that they need to put their own pain somewhere, and seem to have worked<br />
out a pattern that makes them feel 'superior' by using you.<br />
I am really sorry this has happened to you, and that you discovered the emails and this<br />
pattern of behavior they have. Now that you have the reality, you can deal with it and be<br />
better for it. It gets better. It really does!