Estranged With Mixed Feelings

Some history on my extended family:
Initially, my family was very close. I was raised looking at my family through rose colored glasses. We seemed so tight that it felt like mafia. My mother and father were perfect and wouldn't tell a lie. Then I was molested by my grandfather a month before my 12th birthday, I told my mother immediately after it happened who did nothing but shame me into keeping quiet. She told me that I would tear the family apart if anyone were to find out and that she would be very angry at me. A few of years later, a couple of girlfriends in middle school suspected something had happened. They got me to confess to them. I felt so sick to my stomach because of the guilt. I knew that I wasn't supposed to tell anyone. Then a couple years later I dated an abusive boyfriend (can you tell I had boat loads of self confidence?) who guilted me into telling the authorities. By the way, my mom knew he was abusive. Saw the bruises, but because I wanted to be with him she let me. We had a few more kids in the family now and he told me that it would be my fault if my grandfather did something to them. He started telling people in school about it in front of my face and how I wasn't going to do anything about it. I was so scared at this point. I confronted my mother. I told her I really needed to talk to someone because it bothered me so much. She refused to take me to see a psychiatrist. I was in a world of darkness. Eventually, she's like fine! Tell someone if you have to. So I told my school counselor. Then all hell broke lose. I was very unprepared. I had no idea what tidal wave was coming my way. All the hate, all the accusations, all the disbelief. My grandfather told the church, and the church supported him. Nobody wanted anything to do with me. I was called a *****, lying little ***** and many other lovely adjectives. There I was isolated. My cousin and I were separated even though we were like sisters. She hated me and I was considered a bad influence. After time passed we started to rekindle, but I didn't have a relationship like before. The damage was done.
Then many moons later, I became pregnant and had my first child. It was very exciting because those lost relatives started to become interested in my life again. I was very excited to feel like I had family. It was great. They were there for the birth and helped out shortly after he was born. Then they began praising my grandfather in front of me. How great of a man he was. How wonderful he was. He was the best man in the wold, he was. I told my husband how it hurt me. I had accepted that they didn't believe me and understood how it was hard for them to accept that this beloved person could do such a horrible thing, but all I wanted was for them to respect the boundaries of my feelings. All I wanted was not to be involved in a conversation about him. Period. My husband took a liberty in trying to talk to the family so that we could remain connected. That didn't go well. Hate letters were sent to him and to me, and how they were upset that I couldn't approach them about this myself, and they were telling my husband that he should just stop looking into this because when he finds out the truth it could ruin my marriage. So, for the sake of our marriage he should stop discussing the topic, and explained to my husband how wonderful my grandfather was. Also, in the same breath trying to explain how they didn't side with anyone. lol. Have to laugh at that one. Oh, not to mention, my grandfather at this point has passed spot on a decade. So after a few epic arguments of me defending my husbands right to defend me, and how I was living a drama free life now and wasn't interested in maintaining drama fueled relationships the ties were cut with the extended family.

My immediate family:
My sister has jealousy issues with me and has hurt me too many times. When I was in labor and was trying to get into contact with my mother she hung up on me. She later got in an argument with me and said that my son was probably not my husband's child. That was the last straw for my husband. And that was the end with her.

My brother is part of the grandpa was a saint crew, so that explains my relationship with him. He is also a drunk and a pot head. Makes promises and fails to keep them.

My parents:
My mother and father had a foreclosure. My parents have never been good with money or keeping a steady a job. Eventually, I welcomed them into my home after having a new born baby with the conditions that they pay half the rent, utilities, and food. I was struggling myself as my husband and I were paying off our college loans, just had a baby, and living off of one income. After they move in, I find out my father is wanted by the authorities because he left a lot of animals to die in a warehouse after having tried to attempt a reptilian zoo for income with legal settlement money (one of the few he has won) that he had from an injury on a previous job. That was all the money they had. Anyways, since he was now in another state and the charge wasn't that big so they weren't going to come get him. So, they lived with us for 6 months, not paying a dime. They thought that by getting on food stamps that they were paying us. Meanwhile, my dad tries to find pain killers, not work. So he makes doctor's appointments with the little money he has and gets temporary pain med prescriptions. Of course, he can't go back to the same doctor again, so he keeps making appointments elsewhere. He goes to a few hospitals as well. All on my gas money. Sometimes he takes my car without permission driving 50 or so miles on a 14mpg tank and doesn't repay me. Not to mention that the truck is about to break down and I ask them not to use it because we couldn't afford another car at the time. Eventually, they move into a lodge because we are going into major debt taking care of them. They have money at this point because my mother in law paid my dad to do some renovations and my mom started to collect her social security. I gave them a second chance at the end of that month because staying at the lodge was $900 a month. It would be at most $500 if they moved in my house. Thinking they'd realize the savings they would be able to manage it. My husband and I still had a lease on the house for a couple more months, but was offered to move into one of the houses his family owns at no cost. So our offer to my parents for them to move back in they only had to pay $300 for the rent and cover their utilities in exchange for the entire house to themselves. We agreed to pay the remaining portion of the rent even though we weren't living there. We even had given them the truck because it was about to break down anyways and we weren't going to fix it, so we let them have it and do what they needed to for the time being. During the last month, I went to collect rent. The day before I had found out that a close friend had committed suicide. I was very torn up. I walked in the door. Dad was all dressed, mom was getting ready. I haven't seen them so happy for a while. They looked like they were going to go out on the town. I asked them what was going on. They said they had a doctor's appointment to go to. Oh, I thought. I knew now that the money they had in their pocket had already gone to cigarettes, junk food, and now to the doctor and the prescriptions. Mom also claims that dad has a new job, but apparently wasn't all the way through the application process. Hmm. Ok. I told her I didn't need anymore drama that weekend, and she quickly interrupts and says she doesn't either. I was like yeah, we'll cause my friend just killed himself and I'm going to a funeral soon. My heart was hurting so bad. I was trying not to cry the entire time. Then I was like, so now you know what I can't take anymore surprises and drama giving them a chance to make the right decision. So, do you guys have the rent for me? She said no. I already knew that was the answer from them going to the doctor, but I thought I was giving them a chance to make the right decision when they found out what I was going through, but I lost against drugs. My mom told me they didn't have the money right now, and said she didn't know what to tell me. I started to ball. I walked out. That was the last that I saw them. It's been over 6 months now. Since they moved in the second time they paid us rent twice, but failed to do it the last month along with two months of the electricity, trash, and water bill. So, that put us over $1000 in debt in addition to the debt that already accrued from the first time they lived with us. Even though we were living rent free we were struggling paying off all the debt we had on our own, the debt they gave us, and we lost our security deposit because of the fleas their cat left.

After that day, I wrote them two letters. One explaining that they had 2 weeks to leave or they would be escorted out and one explaining how we can't have a relationship like this. I explained my feelings about their drug habits and their money habits and how it really hurt when they couldn't make the right decision when I told them what I was going through emotionally. I wasn't going to be an enabler. When I went to clean up after they vanished into the night, my father took everything I bought him and broke it leaving it in a pile for me to find. He wrote me a letter disowning me as his child and wishes to never speak to me again. He also wished a life filled with agony so I could reap what I have sewn.

What makes this hard:

Believe it or not, there were a lot of good memories. A lot of things that I miss. I miss our little family trips. I miss the holidays. This is my first holiday without them. My mom was good at letting me tell her anything and everything under the sun. We did have a lot of good laughs. Nothing was taboo. Mom had a really good sense of humor when she wasn't depressed. Dad was great at telling stories and coming up with cheap adventures. All I wanted to do was to make them proud. I loved them, and I still love them. The kept me clothed, sheltered, and fed. I dunno. It all just seems to be blurred at this point. I think writing this has helped me realize that this is for the best. When the dark times shadow the good times its best to be involved in healthier relationships.

I would like to mention that my husband's family has been absolutely wonderful to me. They have their dysfunctional issues like any other family, but what is so special about them is that it isn't swept under a blanket. Its out in the open and they deal with it as it comes, and that's what makes their relationships healthy. They love me, and I love them. They know everything about what has happened with me and my family and still accept me. They don't look at me and think "oh, well if her entire family is against her then she must be lying" they know me and know that I wouldn't persist or make such false accusations. And my husband and son are the best things that have ever happened to me. My husband has done nothing but lift my self confidence and be supportive. I am the most mentally healthy I have been since I was in elementary school. I have very little trust issues now, and am on my way to living the life that I want to live. I am very fortunate. It has taken me a lot of time and hard decisions to get to where I am, but I do not regret any of it. I know that I am a good person, I know that I probably saved other children by my choice, and I know that I am worth being treated with a little dignity and respect! I will not compromise! Neither should you!
epictimes epictimes
Dec 14, 2011