I'm Finally Done.

Previously I have written on here that I am estranged from my family, and haven't seen them for over a year. Although I did not have any desire to reconcile with them, I never actually got any closure and that was really starting to eat away at me.At times I would feel guilty for not speaking with them, and at times I would blame the estrangement on my inability to connect with them. I thought about it constantly, I thought about things i haven't gotten to get off my chest to them and how I never really told them how much they hurt me in so many ways and on so many different levels.

Anyway, I decided to go see them, after a little over a year of not speaking or seeing each other. When I went, I was welcomed in the house by my mother but I felt so much tension as soon as I walked in that all my emotions just went out the door. I did not feel anything. I didn't feel love, I didn't feel as though I missed her or that she missed me. The whole situation was awkward and uncomfortable. I was there for about two hours, but it was so formal. Almost as if they were complete strangers and I was a guest. Subliminal things were thrown here and there in the conversation we had, which was mostly about what we have been up to for the past year but in an extremely formal manner as if I was at a job interview. I must admit, I missed my two younger brothers a lot, and I was very happy to see them and I felt that they felt the same about me. Although my father acted "normal" when he saw me and was being the person i remember him to be (joking, laughing..), I felt as though there was too much acting going on, like he was trying too hard to be extremely easy going and happy. In a way i felt like they were trying to show me that their lives went on normally and they are still going on happily and normally without me. Which I really hope was the case. But like i said, it didn't feel real or natural to be there even though I spent over 20 years of my life with them.Everyday.

So when I left, as soon as I walked out of the door, I felt a huge weight lifted off of my chest. I was done. I did not feel guilt, and I did not feel hate, I did not feel anything but lighter. I am done trying anything else,I am done blaming myself and I am done trying to reconcile something that was never there. I got my closure. My closure was that I can never have a normal "parent/child/daughter/sister" relationship with these people. I felt disconnected from them, and that is not my fault nor theirs. That was all i wanted...to know that the disconnection was not my fault. I will not take responsibility for the failure of having a healthy relationship with them.
ScaredSweet ScaredSweet
22-25, F
3 Responses Jan 11, 2013

Im going through the early stages of this now. I'm finding it heart wrenching but either way, im not supported or loved so why bother.

I am sorry. I am also done with my family. It is a relief. I feel a little guilty for not wanting to see my kids but with a little more time this is going to pass.

Yeah I know for sure that they blame me for it. They cannot see it any other way. In their minds, they did not do anything hurtful towards me.