The Evil That Some People Can Do!

I am in the process of writing my life story because I need to in order to save my life and the life of my sister. We grew up in a very dysfunctional house but I do not want the dysfunction that occurred to win and succeed in tearing our lives apart any more than has already occurred. Events happened in our household that shouldn’t happen to anyone but they did. The choices are that we can let the evil that has already happened when we were young teenagers and continued on as we dealt with what our stepfather did to us and what our mother allowed him to do until we both left home when we were each around seventeen years old. I worked hard to repair the damage as much as I could for my whole life and for a period of time we seemed to have a fairly normal family on the outside, and we more or less kept our lives together and worked hard to love each other and support each other even though our mother and stepfather didn’t really deserve the loving family I, and then eventually along with my sister, worked so hard to create for ourselves. But when our mother got cancer and didn’t choose to fight it because of the guilt she felt for being such a bad mother, and I will not say that she didn’t deserve to feel that guilt she felt for having allowed the things to happen that did, but it would have been much more helpful to my sister and I if she had faced the awful things she had allowed to happen in our household than to decide she would rather die that admit what she had allowed to happen to her daughters. The resulting situation is that my sister and I have a extremely tenuous relationship with our stepfather because what he did to his teenage daughter and stepdaughters was pretty “evil” and he was never called to answer for it and we all gave him a “pass” because we really wanted to have some semblance of a normal family. I still want that, even though what my stepfather did was terribly wrong, I think it would be in the best interests of everyone in the family if we could get together and talk to a therapist of some kind rather than to let our family fall apart as I see it doing so rapidly. I think that forgiving and moving on would be so much more helpful than the dysfunctional non communication that is currently happening. I just don’t know how to facilitate the process of trying to get the pieces of our family back in to some kind of “normalcy”. It is so tragic to have everything fall apart when there are so many reasons to try and save everything.
Chelebub Chelebub
51-55, F
1 Response Jan 13, 2013

I went through this, as well. If the "evil" is the same as it was for me, he deserves nothing from you, support, understanding, and the like. I found it was better for me to cut myself off from the poison of familial evil altogether. It helps end the cycle.

Yes and when the SOB dies we will have a celebration, I think he is just hanging on to make us miserable because he is such a miserable POS! Then my sister and I can truly be at peace.

What I found that helped was to forgive YOURSELF for feeling the way you do. The act that happened and the person who caused it may be difficult if not impossible to forgive, but you can forgive you. My situation was that, among other things, my stepfather molested me starting at age eight and not ending until their divorce two years later. Then, it happened with another of my mother's boyfriend when I was 11. She committed suicide when I was 21, and I had not spoken to her in two years. So, I had a lot to try and sort through, and, with some therepy, to let go of. While I still can't forgive what was done to me, I can forgive myself for feeling the hate and shame and loss, and I can forgive myself for estranging myself from the family who harmed me, or did nothing to stop the harm...That's when you can start to heal. But, I think, only after separating yourself, by force if necessary, from the root of the problem; the family who caused it. You can't change them anyway, and you can't take away what they did. Sorry so long!

Also remember, your other family must be responsible for doing this for themselves. You have to work on you first.

I'm good with how I feel about both my mother, who seriously failed her daughters, and the stepfather who is in a nursing home hopefully dying. It's my younger sister that is having the most trouble. His real daughter moved a thousand miles away so that seems to me she has a good handle on the pediphile who is her father. I am mostly mad at him for ruining our childhood but what was done is done but I will feel a sense of relief when he's dead.

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