Parents Don't Call Me

I read online about parents being estranged by their adult children.  Parents are not alone in being hurt by estrangement.  It is a commonality they share with some adult children as well.

 

I am a married man in my early forties.  I live within ten miles of both of my (divorced) parents, who are in their early sixties, employed, and completely active and lucid.  It crushes me to say it, but I am effectively estranged from my parents in a way.  My dad very rarely initiates contact with me; my Mom never does.  It’s like they don’t care about me, although they do love me, I believe.  Do they even know how much it hurts me and tears my heart to its core?  I don’t understand how they can be so blind to it, but apparently they are.  I can’t believe they would knowingly cause me such grief.

 

I remember, when my Mother in Law was alive, she used to call and talk to her almost every day.  She would invite her over, they would come visit, everything.  My Mom never calls, never invites, never initiates getting together with me.  She never has.  And that is what I want her to do.  And I don’t think she’ll ever do it.

 

All my talking to her and getting together with her has to be by me calling, me coming over, my suggestion.  It makes it easy to think she doesn’t care.  And then I’m made to feel guilty, GUILTY, if I don’t get in touch with her enough.

 

I do not understand at all.  They seem so immature for people so much older than I am.  I just don’t have the courage to confront them about this.  I don’t know if they could even provide me with a meaningful answer.

miketr2009 miketr2009
46-50, M
64 Responses Mar 11, 2009

I relate to what you said, "They seem so immature for people so much older than I am". I feel the same way about my parents. My mom was my best friend and we talked on the phone every day. Unfortunately she decided to divorce my dad and move to another country a few days before my wedding.

I've never been close to my dad because he is an alcoholic. However, he is my dad, and I wish we could be closer.

I'm filled with anger and resentment at the fact that neither of my parents ask me how school is going, or how my life is. My dad lives pretty much right down the road, but I only see him on holidays, (which he ruins by being drunk). He doesn't call or text me at all. If I text him, his girlfriend responds through his phone. My birthday was recently and this was the first year that he didn't acknowledge it at all.

My mom emails me, but it's like reading a diary entry. She just states what she did that day and doesn't ask me anything. I sent her a lengthy email about being stressed, to which she responded, "Good luck."

I feel a lot of pressure like I have this responsibility to be the one to do something about this. Should I confront them? On the other hand, I feel like I need to learn how to let go. I can't carry this weight with me and I don't want a one-sided relationship with anyone.

My family is the same to me. Although I am close to my mum; she doesn't want me to live near her because my broth

This post was started years ago, but it's amazing to read the responses. I have lived on my own for 10 years now, and have always wanted a close relationship with my parents. They say they love me, but I think I expect them to show their love like I show it. They are very aloof and when I talk to them about it they act like nothing's wrong with only seeing each other 2 a year when we live 10 minutes from one another. Its a rough situation but it's just the cards I was dealt I suppose.

I know exactly how you all feel. I'm so glad I'm not alone after reading all these comments. I'm 30 years old, married but no children yet. I miscarried my first at 2 months. I think I was having a boy. That was 2 years ago in June. My dad and I never had a good relationship. We had nothing in common and he would never support my dreams which he called "pipe dreams". He told me I had to learn to grow up in the real world.

My mom and I had a great relationship however. She was my best friend all through the years I attended school. There were years where my dad emotionally and physically abused my mom and I and I had to referee and get hurt myself. I tried to leave home but ended up moving back in when it didn't work out. I tried to tell my dad what I wanted to do career wise when I grew up but he only had negative things to say no matter what I told him. He is a control freak he likes to control everyone's future. He controlled my mom's making her quit her job to raise me and my older brother and he controlled mine.

As far as my older brother is concerned they were harsh with him when he was younger but once he moved out in 2005 and got his own house everything changed. Now they are proud of him to the point of bragging because he has a six figure job and he's highly intelligent and he can go on vacations wherever and whenever he wants. Meanwhile, if my husband and I decide to go on vacation every year on our anniversary it's looked down upon. I had a curfew until I was 27 and married. Imagine having to go out on dates with a timer attached.

Married three years later, my parents butted into our marriage, our financial situation, etc. Now that finally stopped but I can't go over there when they aren't there, last time they invited me over for dinner about a week ago and we ended up in a fight because they have a 12 week old puppy and somehow it was my responsibility to keep her down off the cabinets. My dad was calling me stupid and other names, I told him to treat me with respect and cussed him out, he told me to leave. I texted him that he's dead to me and I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. I said it out of anger and hurt. He has more respect for my brother and the puppy than he does for me.

After not speaking for two days after the fight, my mom calls me and the only thing she says to me is you forgot your laundry. Can you come get it before you start work because it's in my way. My best friend won't even defend me against my dad. She doesn't think it was that bad. Did she forget the years of abuse?

Last night I call my mom cause I'm sick with a bad cold. She says to me, what is the point of your call? I told her I was sick and she's like isn't your husband there to complain to? That's it I'm done. They want to call me they can.

I have something a little similar but different I had a parent who for years we called each other an visited and im married with children we had moved to the town were I when to school per say for a while , then we needed to move again. ( now mind you im trying to make a very long story short).after this is when im going to say everything seem to start changing the phone calls lessened the visits were there but usually holidays an we would visit and then i started working to . Time goes on now i I have gotten busier at work as well as my husban we still visit and call as much as we can kids get bigger more activities invite the grdparents sometimes come sometime not the usual now over this period their phone calls lessen, an some visit turn into holidays ,now were getting ready to move which this is over a 15 + yeartime period this was back in 2012 I have since retired hubby still works kids older moved on but parents came out couple time an quit dont call an i dont under stand. Over the time period i have sensed an issue an we've tried talk but nevergot any were and ts usually then i was working alot never home to busy , now i know dont work things change its maybe one thing to not visit but the phone runs both directions and im the only onethat calls and its be this way for a vey long time and i dont understand why especially when , i was younger we would be on the phone for hours.

I can immensely feel you there. The saddest part of my story, they held me responsible (breadwinner) for everything. Their clothes, their food, their rentals, and even the educational expenses of their youngest child, my youngest sibling. That responsibility, which I did with my whole heart and brightest conscience, made me decide to look for a greener pasture so I needed to live far from them. After 4 years of working for them and not even for myself, I found a man, and became a mother of a beautiful boy just last year. The first words that my mom told me when she heard my preggo news, "That's fine as long as your regular money transfer is not going to be affected." She said that in a very low, sarcastic tone of voice.On my son's 1st birthday, my hubby and I decided to pay tribute to them by driving 16 hours to their place and do the celeb there in my parents' hometown. They treated us like ****. They never showed any interest to our son, their grandson. The most horrible part, we prepared the occasion 10 mos beforehand, and they did not clean the house when we arrived. Everything was a mess. My child suffered from more than 10 mosquito bites and about 8 bed bug bites. They never cared. They only got insulted with the bites. Never did my father, my mother, sister (the youngest one whose education I supported) carried my baby and showed love. Total estrangement. I even doubted them if they really are my parents. They were harsh. They were the harshest people on earth I know. That's how I feel about them. My parents got angry even more when I became jobless because no one, from them, is willing to help me take care of my child so I could work (but they still require me to send them money). They are always on the receiving end. Sadly, people never remember the million times you lend them a hand. They only remember the one time you don't or can't.I wish you peace of mind, @miketr2009. Refocus your energy, love, and hope to your wife and your future children. Love yourself. Learn to let go of the things and people that don't find ways to be in your life in the first place. These people, even if they are considered blood, are of no obligation to make you feel that way. I have learned the hard way as well. I have gone through several breakdowns because of this, but my loving husband and happy child are my strength. Life is too beautiful to waste your time on people who only think about themselves. I wish you the best in life. :)

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I have been going through the same situation as you, My mother never calls or texts it is always me that has to make contact with her she never asks how I am or how my children are

One time I decide to not call for a while in the hope it would make her call and it got to nearly 6 months with out her contacting me, so when I called her after all that time she acted like nothing had happened.

I confronted her about this in a calm and dignified way and she told me she wanted nothing more to do with me, I have always been a good son to her and it turns out all this time she was just looking for an excuse to shut me out of her life.

I am going through something similar now.... except in my case its my both my real dad and my stepdad. My real dad always brushes off my accomplishments and then talks about hisself and very rarely calls. He also makes sure I know that he wanted a boy and he "got stuck with me"his words. My stepdad is always making fun of me, humiliating me at home and in public., cussing me out, telling me I'm worthless and stupid everyday. I am at a loss I've tried being as perfect as possible, letting him talk without interpretations, everything I can think of. Nothing worked. Now where am I at, a depressed, sometimes suicidal, person with depression, anxiety, and very low self-esteem. Thanks dads. I just surprised my mom by cleaning the house spotless and she just brushed me off. I feel just as worthless as I am told I am everyday. How am I supposed to become a good person in this environment. P.S some advice is appreciated

Stop trying to figure it out. I get it. I understand it and I am in the same situation. You are fantastic! Live for you and God who created you. It hurts and it's so maddening but they are not going to change. You have a life! Live it and be free! All God's blessings!!

Wow after reading all these replies I don't feel so alone anymore. My mom and dad were never married. My dad married my stepmother when I was about 1 and I'm 31 now. They had their own children, my 2 step sisters. When I was about 10 my mom was diagnosed with bi polar and the courts granted my dad with primary custody. My dad and I never really had a good relationship that I can remember. I would literally walk to school on a daily basis crying. It wasn't as much physical as it was emotional abuse. As the years went on I always looked to my step mom to stick up for me and defend me. One day she said " sorry it's not my place to say anything because your not my real daughter". Growing up and even now I always felt like the odd ball that didn't belong. I see the relationships my dad has with my step sisters and it's completely the opposite of me. The four of them are always planning something from ski trips to vacationing in Florida even going out for breakfast on mothers day/father's day. Not a single one of them attempts to ask me if I would like to go..... I try to act as if it doesn't bother me because if I try to express my feelings I'm just brushed off and given the look of " Seriously". Over the years I've asked myself over and over, what was wrong with me, why don't they love me like they love my sisters, why don't they want me around??? As a kid I didn't get in any serious trouble and I graduated high school. My sisters though well let's just say they have done A LOT worse than just skipping school. It just doesn't add up in my head. I'm grateful for my three beautiful children and husband that love me and show me and in the end those are the ones I want around me forever. Yes it still crushes me every time they do it and there is no justifiable reason for it to happen. I'm truly sorry to hear what people have gone through regarding this situation but I'm pretty sure the problem isn't you/I it's them and there loss. You should surround yourself with good people who love and respect you! Best Wishes to all of you!!!

My father was not active in my life until I was 26. We had a good run until he retired and decided I should have my phone on me at all times. He would get so angry that I missed a call, that when I would return the call he would yell at me about it. He lives in Costa Rica. The only form of communication which is valid to him is the phone call. He stopped calling me 3 years ago. He believes I shut him out and avoid his calls. Which is so untrue. January 4, 2015 I called him and he began to scream at me and laugh at me as I cried and tried to talk to him. At his point I decided to try anymore. He still tries to guilt me. But how can he when he wasn't around for half of my life. I am happy and I refuse for him to ruin that. My father is in his 60's as well. I beginning to believe that their generation was named perfectly as the "Me" generation. Call me a cynical Gen Xer but I wonder how we became this way? Maybe it was the suitcase weekend parents, the absent parents and keys we wore around our necks. I am done with them. I have been expected to be the adult all my life. Now that I am an adult I have a choice to be happy. Therefore I will move forward and get of this crazy train I was dealt.

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My mother has never really concerned herself with my life or my sisters. Since we were young it was always about her and never about either of us. While my father was alive she would always making excuSes about coming over to my house for parties for my kids or just coming over in general. There was always a reason why she would call too. It was never that she just wanted to say hi or ask about her grandsons. My father would be calling everydAy seeing what was going on and how everyone was doing but not her. Now that my dad has been dead for about 18 months, she still doesn't call or come over but now tries to guilt trip me about never calling or going over to her house. Am I wrong to think like that? Also, anytime we do talk it's always she needs something or I am hearing a complaint about someone or something. She always has something negative to say about people and I don't think I've ever heard her say anything positive about anyone....ever. Now that my dad is gone and she has nobody to boss around she goes and picks arguments with me or my sister on random topics. I just don't want to hear it.

God, this sounds like my situation!! So glad you posted and journaling it helps. Live free and do what you can connection-wise out of honoring your parents but we are adults! Yes, we are. Our lives aren't theirs! They have the issues. Not us. We become the problem if we allow them to control us. It's hard, frustrating and sometimes you just want to tell them off because it's wrong, selfish, and hurtful. I've tried everything. Nothing. Again, be free and live without the burden because you are not going to carry it anymore!

This post hit really close to home for me. I am 31 and am currently planning my wedding, graduating from law school in the top of my class, and overall in a great place in life. Except--my parents. If it weren't for Facebook, my dad would have no communication with me. My mom communicates only via text and email....once every three months...and about herself. Same with my dad about only communicating about himself. Neither parent is involved in the wedding planning at all, they could care less about my future career, and actually act to ostracize me from family who are outside our immediate family.

They act like I am a stranger when they see me in person, which normally involves me traveling to them. They have visited me in my new city once in three years. They live 2 1/2 hours away.

My fiance's mom calls daily. Sometimes I find that it annoys me, but I think that feeling is actually out of jealousy because she expressly cares so much, whereas I have to read between the lines to understand that my parents actually love me. She lives in Minnesota. We're in Texas. She'd drive everyday if she could.

I have worked to get over a lot of things that happened to me as a child by them, and I was very disturbed to realize how much they're actions--or better, inactions--still hurt me as an adult.

Thank you for letting me know that it's not just me and it has nothing to do with my age and understanding anymore. Sometimes, parents just suck. And unfortunately, it's up to the adult children to suck it up and do it better their turn around. Wishing you the best.

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do you do the same behaviour?

I have always considered myself a great daughter. I am the only child of good parents. However, since my parents divorced after 32 years of marriage, my relationship with my father has gone downhill. He has not spoken or responded to me since September and I am hurt. I have tried counseling, reading self-help books, and other means to deal with things but sadly, nothing has helped. Although he's never been easy to live with, I feel some what of a responsibility in making sure he and my mother are okay as I am the only child. I have my own life, I've been married almost 20 years and now have my own child. Sadly, I dont know how to deal with this and feel Im spending too much time blaming myself and feeling guility for something I havent done. Mind you-he has had a terrible run of things the past two years due to some medical issues. I have been there for him as much as I could be-as I have my own family...but he's very manipulative and often plays the me card and does not own any of the hurtful things he has said to me through the years. My mother and some other family members claim this is a blessing in disguise, that I should move on with my life....and just live for myself and my family but I have this dark cloud continuing to hover over me and I dont understand why. I have a difficult time finding other only children whom have had a parent or both parents abandon them. How did they deal? How do I get through this?

Dear Mike,
I am only 20, much younger than you are, but experience similar problem as you. That's why I totally understand how you feel.

I have been living away from my parents in a different country since I was 10, and it had never been easy to me.
My father is a loving one, but he shows his love through providing resources, so not someone I can seek emotional support from.
My mother calls me no more than 1-2 times a month, and loses interests quickly in every call. She often hangs up on me as she needs to watch the television or attend her dogs. The calls often made me feel worse.

So I know what it feels like to stare at other families and friends' parents. It hurts me to think I have potentially loving parents, who are never ever there for me, who don't try to protect me knowing the living situation I'm in.

Your parents might not love you as much as you love them, but I always believe there will always be someone who loves you.
So please let me say I love you, and this is coming from a human being who lives in the same world as you, and want to let you know that you are not alone.

Jess

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so many years later - I'm a parent whose kids never respond to me - I'm 68 now and they're in their 40s and simply don't reply to my FB messages, text messages etc - not even at Christmas or on my birthday. Their frather died 20 or so years ago and I'm all they have. It's so painful.

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Add a response.. Dear Mike, it's sad that this is so prevalent today. I am nearly 60 and even now I have difficulty understanding my mother. She's 86 bright, intelligent and her and my father mix regularly and are well respected in their community. Basically I've come to understand the relationship that they want with me and I've surrended to it. I would be lucky to engage my mother for more than a few minutes phone time once a month. If that's enough for her, then that will have to be enough for me. I can't change the relationship. It is what it is.
I'm older, I guess at my age I'm just accepting that I'll make the best out of what I am able to. Best of luck Mike and don't let this get you down.

When I asked my father why he does not call me or my sister he said and I quote, "Why should I call, I'd rather have my FREEDOM". He was a great father when we were kids and the second that he divorced my mother he became a "Cop Out" father. He doesn't even care to be in his grandsons (my son) life. Sometimes people change and they grow a bitterness in their hearts that loving people cant understand. I am sorry for you. I sincerely understand and know the pain you feel. If your heart feels anything like mine, then I am truly sorry for that empty feeling you must face everyday. My advice: focus on the people that show you they love you. You are not obligated to do anything for your parents. It is their job to be your father and mother, not your job to make them come to their senses with this role. One day my father or I will die and that is perhaps my biggest fear; not having a relationship with him. Tomorrow is never promised. I would rather enjoy my life with the people who love me while they are still alive, then waste my time and energy trying to get him to care. My grandmother died last month and I was so fixated by my father's senselessness. I regret every second of it and I wish I would have focused my time with my grandmother instead of searching for a meaningless relationship with my father.

Hi Mike,

I too can relate. I am a 31 year old female. My parents in this case are my father an step-mother. My step-mother and I have never really gotten along, but I'm pretty close to my father. I lived at home with them from the ages of about 24-29, but then I moved out and got my own place.

Sometimes it is worse than others, but I feel very estranged now. They almost never call me. I kind of expect it from my step-mother, but my dad doesn't all either. They don't call, text, or come visit. They are not good at checking their cell notifications, so they usually have no idea that I called or texted them either. I am single, and with no kids, so I'm by myself all the time. What makes it so bad is that I am the only one to initiate contact. It aggravates me that if they feel I haven't contacted them in a while, they call me "stranger" or they'll say "You can call sometimes."

I am 23 and I am engaged. I too used to have an awsome relationship with my mom. But after she got together with her know husband of 15 years and had 2 boys. Our relationship was getting smaller and smaller and when I got to my teenage years and I realized what was happening with me and my mom. I decided to talk to her about it and she told me that if I didn't like the way that she treated me that I could leave. I was 18 when she first told me that. I stayed living with her until I was 20. When I moved out I told her I was going to live with my dads parents. She knows where they live and she knows the number. I thought that maybe she would call me or maybe send me a birthday card. But my birthday came and gone and NOTHING from her oranyone from her side of my family. It hurt ALOT. I did call her and I tried to talk to her and I asked her if I could talk to my bother she just ignored me. I have not called her since then. I feel bad for her because I am going to have kids someday and she will not know her grandchildren.

I'm 20 and live overseas from my mother for 10 years now. I know how much it hurts to not hear from her during birthdays.

I am always the one to put forward the effort and when I become extremely busy with work and cannot they don't help at all. They never visit or call. My father will blame his health issues (he's on oxygen) but he can always find his way to the local bar. I would hope that if I can't make it there that they would atleast come to pick up their grandson. I have not lived at home for 16 years and my father has only been to my home once and that was because I forced the issue by holding my son's birthday party at home. Their lack of effort simply breaks my heart.

I'm still only 18 years old, but I've had the same problem going on with my father, who's been divorced to my mother since a few months after I was born. He hasn't called me but once in two years, and the one time was to tell me that my dog died. Then, when I do call him and try to set up visits with him, I'm made to feel guilty for not calling or visiting enough. The same is also starting to happen with the man who I trusted as my father figure for a majority of my life, before he also got divorced to my mother. I guess it's just a parent thing.

i have also been in the same situation and it made life terrible for me until i met prophet Dibia who helped me with the situation and now my life has been transformed. Here is his email address. prophetdibiayesufu@outlook.com

I too can relate to many people here. My parents were my Step Mother and Father from an early age. They had a son and he has always been the one that they focused on and still do and he is grown and in his 50s. I understand about the baby of the family and the fact that he was theirs together but after we all left home at an early age, he was the one that stayed home, went to school and has been their focus. I tried to have a relationship with him but I totally feel my parents do love us, but are blind to the fact that it would be nice to hear from them and feel like the relationship is mutual and not always one sided. I totally believe that they would totally stay in contact with their son. Helpful site here, you must realize that we are all imperfect and have our faults and that you can only do so much and that you must come to a point after you have cried and felt bad and wondered why, that we are all different and that I will not spend no more time wondering why because they are not. You simply have to push yourself forward and focus on the ones in your life who respond to you because it takes two to have a relationship and even though it's your aging parents, they can call you or put forth an effort to keep in contact.

I hear you. I too try so hard to have compassion and understanding to parents that it seems like their own parents had to go out of their way to come see. My grandparents always had to come over. My grandma made excuses for my Mom to always let my Mom be the "free spirit" that she is. My Mom only pays attention to the people in her life that she really thinks about. I hate saying this but is hurts so much. She is actually on paper my stepmother. I never really saw my birth Mother. I love the Mother that raised me. I am the kid that did everything perfectly to a T. Good student, obedient child, never argued with my parents, etc etc... Maybe they always hope that I am okay, that I flew the nest and never needed anything. My Mom was having affairs while I was in high school. She never cared that I was in school leadership, got special award on my ACTs, she just was wrapped up in the relationships that mattered to her. She is so short sighted. Sometimes parents don't want meaningful relationships with us. They just want us to fly the coop and be okay out in the world hoping that we aren't screwed up. They never promised anything after that. I just hate that she doesn't care. She says she does but never calls or comes by. My Dad basically has aspergers so he is a recluse. Some people just stink when it comes to building relationships. My mind makes excuses over and over again for them, but they never change. They act blindsided wwhen I confront them about this. So sad. And they want me to be their executor for their will. Go figure. I think that is why people say life sucks. And when I was little all I wanted to be was like my Mom, not anymore.

Dear Mike,
Your parents are selfish people that actually love you but not the way you want them too. Do not feel guilty and do not invite them over. Tell them very clearly how you feel and then tell them when they want to see you they should call you. They may not even know they are doing this to you. You are a grown man and need to find your own family without them as the main event. Hoping for a certain behavior and never getting it is creating a cycle of unending grief for you. They will not respond how you want so you need to get over it if you can. The up and down emotions of waiting for their attention is only going to hurt you again and again. Get over it and move on. They can be part of your life on your terms.

I too am on the receiving end of feeling invisible. I am a single mom of 3 kids. My sister who is successfully married,rich, and a lawyer. Hates me so much, apparently if my mother mentions my name she goes into a fit of rage saying I was always her favorite. My siblings all 3 do not include me in anything they do, as a matter of fact I have NEVER received a phone call or been invited to their homes. But they get together frequently. My dad has never called me or initialted conversations with me. He has given me the silent treatment my whole life.singling me out for abuse. So my siblings now as adults do the same. I am 46 and this is how I remember it. My mother is the only one who raised me or acknowledged me. But her true passion was her wealthy friends and money and her art. Now she seems to resent that she was ever nice to me and feels she owes it to my siblings and my dad to side with them and treat me like I don't exist or matter. I make all the effort to call her or see her but it is always met with she is rushed to talk with me and is too busy. SO here I am alone on Christmas eve and soon Christmas day, with my 3 children who Ive raised alone. while they all get together making memories and treating me again as I don't exist . SO all I can say is if you are ignored even on the holidays by family then I would like to hear from you. I am doing my best to make memories with my own kids and making a family with them. But that little girl inside of me who longs to be part of a family with a mom and dad and siblings. Feels like a homeless person that everyone passes by without a care. That is why once a year we as a family drive around looking for a homeless persons and give them a lunch with a note that says Jesus loves you.

Thankyou understandable 1983 your post helped me by your kind words. I am a wounded healer. KristenAnne68 also has a good point in waiting and hoping for a certain behaviour and never getting it causes unending grief. I was estranged from my family for years, hoping that they would acknowledge their treatment of me and somehow feel my sadness and pain and treat me different. But it never happened. I forgave them and they continue to treatment as an outcast and abusively by ignoring me and leaving me out. But I have decided that I was in more pain when estranged from them. I have set up healthy boundaries and do not regret being estranged as it was a process of healing for me. But I also believe another step in healing is forgiveness. With healthy boundaries set up to protect you from abuse. My parents are older now and if they do pass away. I wont spend the rest of my life with the regret of being estranged. It is nice to get the support on here as the pain is still with me but not as strong as the death grip it had on me. Being a wounded healer to others also helps. There is no quick fix unfortunately. But I believe the goal should be forgiveness with boundaries.(whatever those boundaries need to be) and peace of our minds. With Christ anything is possible. God bless all you who are suffering. Amen

Reading your letter touched me deeply. My parents decided at some point that they didn't like me and yet would never tell me why. All my attempts at trying to be close or visit were rejected. They told my sister not to have anything to do with me. It has hurt me so deeply that even now, at age 67, and that they are all passed away it still h urts me more than ever. If only I could know why they didn't like me. They would never answer the question. I tried so hard to win their love, but I failed and the pain just doesn't want to go away. So I completely know how you feel. Sometimes I wish there was a kind of club for people like us, and we could have parties and celebrations together.

MissBetsy, sometimes bad apple trees produce good fruit. How your heart has grown. It as if they are frozen in time with hearts of ice and you warmed up and broke away. May your heart continue to warm others along the way.

Good job, I am proud of you!

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Wow i am stunned and shocked over how many people feel as i do. All i can say is what keeps me going is the reality that my God Jehovah is my creator, my first Father and he has cared for me all along. He loves me perfectly so much so he gave his only son Jesus to die so I could have a better relationship with him and have the hope of living eternally. Additionally studying his word the Bible and doing my best to apply its principals in my life has given me the strength to continue to show honor to my parents despite how neglected and mistreated I was and continue to be. "Cant get water out of a rock" this reality that they did their personal best with what they knew and still are continuing thusly keeps me sane. So bottom-line a SOLUTION to this painful problem is forming a closer relationship with your creator. Contact a Jehovah's Witness TODAY and take them up on their free Bible study program and you will never regret it. You need help from your higher power in order to cope you can't do it alone. He TRULY cares. The great thing about it is God and his word helps you today and gives you a beautiful hope for your future where you are promised to never again experience emotional pain like you have been. May God Jehovah bless you all!

I'm 26 years old. My mother had me at 40 turned 41 that year, so she was an older parent. Reflecting on it, she seemed to like me much more as a child than when I became older. As I became older, I was essential left to my own devices to raise myself. I played tennis in high school but she never attended one game. If she arrived early to pick me up, she would sit in her car at the far side of the parking lot until it was over. She would flip flop between telling everyone how proud of me she was of my accomplishments, and hurling insults at me in private on how I tried to "act perfect." My father had his own problems and was not in my life growing up, nor was any member of his family by choice of my mother. I was extremely close to my mother's family until at the age of 11 she cut off contact with all of them. When I would mention to her how much I missed them she would either ignore me or say she didn't want to discuss it. My feelings meant nothing to her. She did the same with my half sister when I was 6. I would not have contact with any of them until I was an adult.

As someone with a degree in psychology, and having worked in mental health, I know now that she exhibits strong signs of NPD. I've always been her parent, not the other way around.

She never calls me. When I do she complains how she never sees me, but when I attempt to make plans with her she isn't interested. When I talk with her on the phone everything becomes about her.

As a teen she was never interested in spending time with me until I had a boyfriend, and then she would whine and complain how I "never had time for her." She told me years ago, after joined my friend and I out for a night at a casino that my friend enjoyed being with her more because she was more enjoyable to be around.

The last time I spoke to her was in September for her birthday. I had made plans to take her out weeks before. That morning I called her to settle a time for me to pick her up. She asked if my boyfriend was working. I told her no, he was off, and going to a friend's house to watch a football game. "Oh, so he has plans so that's why we're going out," was her response. I told her no, and asked her why she was doing this. She then began screaming at me... her go to. I then hung up. I have not spoken to her since. Unless I call, I doubt I would ever hear from her again.

I don't think anything is worse that having a toxic parent. It was helpful to read through these responses and know that I am not alone in dealing with this.

I have been with my boyfriend now for four years, and we have lived together for three. I am more grateful to him than he knows, because it has been the most loving, supportive and healthy relationship I have ever had. I hope one day to have a family with him. I will be the type of loving mother that I wish I had.

It is extremely disappointing and I feel your pain.

Sometimes relationships can not be repaired and the only thing that we can do is to start with a clean slate, meaning forgiving them for what they have done in the past, and focusing on just having any sort of relationship with them. It's better than no relationship at all.

Hope everything works out for you.

I am 34 years old. I have two children and I'm basically estranged from my parents as well. I live just 3 minutes away from them, and I have not had a Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas dinner, Easter, etc. for going on 4 years now. I'm not exactly sure what I have done. My sister has not been around since I was 16. She left her children and moved away when they were small. My parents raised her youngest child. I have a brother, but we do not speak. The reason, his wife has done some very mean and hurtful things to me in the past. I've tried to ignore it, but I can't forget. I have decided it's best that my brother and his wife stay out of my life. It's complete chaos with them in it. My parents are happily married. The sad part of this whole situation, my father is a minister. I've asked them why am I not part of their family, they insist that I am. How can I be if I'm never invited to their family dinners? My parents refuse to have dinners at their home, instead they go to my brothers house. I've invited them once here for dinner, it was a disaster. My mother couldn't stop getting up from the table to check on my daughter every three minutes, and that is no exaggeration. I don't understand. I don't know what to do differently. I'm very sorry for your situation.

I'm so glad I found this thread.

I'm in the same boat as everyone else here, I feel very estranged from my parents and I always have since childhood. I thought nothing of it as a teenager, but as an adult, I realize how much this has affected me. My parents are still together but are not affectionate at all towards each other. I've never seen them hug, kiss, hold hands, or tell each other they love each other, ever. They are both the same towards me and my sister. My sister and I also never had a close relationship growing up or even now as adults. My parents never call me to check up on me, they only call when they need my help with something which makes me not want to answer the phone when they call. Sometimes I answer and I tell them I'll call them back but I don't. How horrible. We all live 10 minutes away from each other but only manage to get together for major holidays.

Growing up, my parents never took me out, or spent much quality time with me, or motivated me to do any activities. They had very little involvement in my life. I always felt like I was never good enough and blamed myself for our very distant relationship. In high school, I started to lack motivation in life. My grades were always great but slowly, they started slipping. My parents never saw my report cards and I would forge their signatures on them. I was even on "probation" for skipping so many classes but they never found out because that's how little they cared. I barely graduated high school with very minimal effort. I was completely capable of excelling, but I chose not to because of my lack of desire. At that age, I thought nothing of it and I thought it was "cool" that my parents didn't care and that I was able to do whatever I wanted.

I now realize how much impact this has had on my life. I constantly feel like I'm stuck in a rut and I don't know how to get my life back on track. I lack motivation and I lack self-discipline because my parents did not teach me the importance of it when it was most crucial. I don't know how to take accountability for this and to make myself better. I don't want to continue to blame them for the things that happened in my life because feeling resentful will not make the situation better. I have a feeling of dissatisfaction in most aspects of my life because of my lack of achievement. I feel like I could have accomplished a lot more had I not lacked self-discipline. Unfortunately, It's a never-ending psychological battle. I am fully aware of this and I want to change it but I'm progressing very slowly. Anyone else feel the same way?

Sometimes I think about how much better my life would have been if my parents had completely abandoned me to fend for myself. I would have had no choice but to be independent and to discipline myself. But who knows how that outcome would have been? I could only imagine.

It does seem like a fire alarm constantly going off inside of us though there is no fire. It is a pschological battle for sure. BE the bigger man. Find your two feet and be the beacon of liberty from a life of emotional enslavement. You have survived and you will fly. Others will have awe for your endurance and perseverance. I believe in you.

So glad to find this thread. I haven't been able to find any information about this anywhere else and it feels very lonely. I'm in my 30's, married and live out of state from my parents. Ever since I left home for college they have never initiated calling me. I used to see how long I could go before they would actually pick up the phone to check on me. I mean I was 18 and 700 miles away from home for the first time ever! It would take at least 3-4 weeks before they would check on me.

My mother refuses to travel and has only visited me for my wedding (I have been living in my current city for 8 years). She has issues with travel and I understand that part of it. My father travels for work all the time and drives to visit his siblings about once a month for the weekend. However, he only even visited me for my wedding. He never travels to visit either of my siblings either. This hurts much more. He travels internationally all the time, but he can't travel to visit any of his children.

My brother is about to have his second child so a lot of this family visiting, family keeping in touch issues are coming to the surface. I feel like I am at a point where I have to let go of this pain, but I feel like in letting go of the pain I have to let go of my family as well. Neither of my siblings put any effort into keeping in touch with me either. I send them emails and I don't hear back for a month. Even if I'm asking time-sensitive direct questions. It's just really a painful place to be in. I am not losing my family, but coming to the realization that they were never there in the first place. I feel like I'm waking up from delusion.

Thank you all for sharing.

It is my son's 2nd birthday - know mum will probably ring because of this - a quick 5 min call to say happy birthday - can't remember the last time she phoned me - growing up was the same - me always initiating - i have 3 sisters and she does the same to all of us - no less interest in all our lives - we have been round in circles trying to understand why - she did marry at 17 and had 3 girls a month after she turned 21 so she was very young and our dad was mentally and phsically abusive towards her - we have all tried so hard to help her but to no avail - it is awful not having a mum eventhough she is still alive as we could be doing so much together but she never shows any interest in us or anything - very very sad

Alot of these stories shared are so sad. Im not happy that you share this sadness with me but happy to know someone knows how I feel. I was an only child for ten years and had a good relationship I think with my parents. I learned to be independent as my mom stayed at home with me and didn't work but was busy all the time and never took time for playdates or parks or movie theatre or even a blockbuster movie in the middle of the day. I pretty much followed her around during her household duties and out side chores taking care of her horse. I remember playing alot alone and hiding to see if shed find me, even at the age of three I felt she didn't pay attention to me. My dad worked so seeing him was exciting each day he got home, hed sometimes play with me. We moved alot, went to three second grades during the school year. He finally planted roots with a great job and has been there and about to retire. Just last night I had a dream of crying on his chest and him holding me even though I was grown up the age I am now, I miss him. But he just never calls or answers my calls or texts messages, maybe twice a year he'll text me back, on Christmas and Fathers Day. He ahd my mom divorced when I was in my 20's my brother and sister are 10 and 14 years younger than me when my mom took off and left. I felt put in the middle of their struggle as she suspected him of cheating and told me about it, when he had told me a few things I told my mother right away. I guess I broke his trust, but I love both my parents equally and didn't want to keep anything from my mom. We went on years later to be just fine. I was always left out of activities because I worked weekends so missed out on stuff, he still talked to me and my mom would call regularly, my family still did things together though they weren't together because we were all we had, all other family lived thousands of miles away. I just accepted it that I didn't do things with them because i worked and couldn't attend.I would still come visit on sundays every week. I just was use to them not coming to see me i felt children should go to visit their parents. I had been through alot of jobs and boyfriends, didn't go to church anymore as i did with my mom as a child, just on my own since i graduated high school. Still 15 years later, a marriage, divorce and child I am even more estranged from my family. They take a trip every year this time to CO, my dad and brother go somewhere and my mom and sister go somewhere and they have their little family VACAY. Not once have my child and I been invited, weather I could afford it or not. I once lived within walking distance to my mom and she wouldn't want to go do anything with me. SHe wouldn't go wedding dress shopping with me, ran into her at Olive Garden with my little sister while i was dress shopping with a friend and went to lunch. They couldn't make it with me on an important day but were right near where we were shopping. It hurt very much. Then didnt want to be int he wedding party so I had my wedding out of state for just my husband and I. When i was pregnant my mom didn't come to the baby shower at my church she once attended because she didn't get an invite. It was down the street from her house and the ladies from church put it on, I told her about it and she still didnt come. It hurt to sit there all alone without any family there. So after all the pain of a divorce while pregnant, loosing my home and vehicle, I sat on my dads couch asking for help. He said he was all helped out from everyone. I had never once asked him for money or help during my lifetime. I always worked!! Bought my own cars and rented my own place and never needed bail money or emergency loans or anything. It hurt. Im surprised and thankful I didnt miscarriage due to all the stress. my salon I had just opened i had to close the doors, i was so sick and beside myself as my husband left me for someone else and my parents weren't standing behind me. I moved out of state after selling everything I had accumlated from my salon and furniture from my marriage. Started a job and put my sweet baby in daycare. That was three years ago. I put it behind me that it hurt they turned their backs on me not offering their help or love. I made sure I would go home to visit the four hour drive with a baby and rent a car twice a year. Last summer I went and felt avoided from my dad as he stoped by to see us for about an hour. No one sends presents to my daughter, she doesn't see her dad and his family as he left to be with his first wife and kids and we are making it on our own. I hate that on FB i see my mom going on their family trip for all our relatives to see and here we sit not invited. My dad pays for it all and because i don't get along with my family right now i guess is why i dont get to go. I don't get along with them mainly after this past year that I spoke up to them they treated me so poorly, telling my grandmas and aunts about my struggles when they ask me to ask my parents for help. I have no one to ask for help. So they are upset I told ppl how they treated me. I once had to walk to work or a month while seven months pregnant, though it was a block, i was still hurting and swollen and my dad had a yard full of vehicles needing a battery or fan belt or something small that he could of given me a car to use. Though im on my feet in a beautiful place, home everyday with my daughter while I take classes online to be a teacher, we are safe, and thats what matters. My health has gone down hill since Feb, with nodules on my thyroid and it scary. My dad hasnt called me to talk and when i call my momm she is always distracted by something on the internet she is reading or playing hwile i talk to her. Its scary being alone, a mother and having health issues. Shame on them for making me feel this way but even more for not being there for their only grandchild. I just dont know what to do anymore. I want to move to the beach so badly but will be about 18hrs away from them, why should i care i guess, and just live my life.

This is the OP again. I am so happy that we have all been able to share and bond about this unfortunate shared experience. I do continue to contact my parents. I asked my Mom if I could stay over and spent the day and night with her recently and did so, and shared with her about my life and my feelings and it went well. I asked my Dad to come over and have supper with me and talk and visit. I shared deeply with them both about my life and they responded authentically to me with compassion and love. I am now in my late 40's. It hurts that they do not initiate things. I asked my Mom and Dad (separately, they are divorced) directly to share the responsibility with me in communicating with me. I am using phone messaging, phone calls, email, skype, to keep in touch with them, and they are responding. I am an adult, I am the adult. I am taking the responsibility for myself to initiate and maintain contact with them. I have decided if I want to have closeness, and a relationship with them, and I do, then it falls upon me to take action to try to have that relationship. Life is a fragile, frail thing, and any moment I or they could leave this world. They may not understand this but I have seen it and have come to understand it. So I will perservere in this and all of my relationships. When someone says life is not fair, it is like a black humor to me. Of course it is not fair; only young or naive people think life should be fair, and that is a hard true lesson we spend our lives having beaten into us again and again. It is hard, in its own way, for the richest and the poorest, for the most blessed and the most cursed. For everyone, I would say, I will not allow myself to be abused, but I won't let the ignorance of my parents to what is important in life control me. I am in control of my life. I must accept that and take that control and do what I must to try to fulfill myself. When you find this forum, welcome to you, and share with all of us so we know we are many and can take strength from that and from our common desire and our common resolve. We are all coming back here and reading and learning and gathering strength from what we read. I will be back to write about what is happening for me, about my own journey, as the years go on. I want to hear follow ups from people who have already written as well. I think that is important. Not just the moment of discovery, but the journeys we are all going through. I have read and sympathize with every message that has been written here through the years. I will continue to. I gain strength and resolve from every one, and I know that others do to. Please write for me, for all of us, if you are in this situation. We are, in a way, a global family. twenty years ago, we would have been alone. Now we know we are not. Talk about how you feel, how you cope, what you do. By bits and pieces, inch by inch, in small ways, something one woman says here, or one man says there, and that another person mentions on some sad sorry day, can touch a chord in others and help us find our way.

It hurts. I often feel like the singled out runt in a dog litter. And it stinks even more when this pain pours into other areas of our lives. How I wish it was easier for you. Go be the amazing person you were meant to be. May your family look from a distance and be in awe. They may never call, but they will never get credit either. Not that you are vindictive, you are strong and you have survived on your own. Get some great friends with parents that love them and make a welcoming nest for them at your house. Have parties and don't feel bad that you didn't invite family. Just don't expect anything from parents by proxy. You are more than the distant relative. You need no charity. You are beautiful and capable of flying high in life :)

This rings so true for me! I'm 32 and living in Sweden (I'm Australian). My sister lives in the US and right at the moment my parents are visiting her but couldn't make the extra effort to fly to Europe to see me. I'm in the middle of the IVF program and I'v barely had any supportive emails or phone calls during this time.

"Don't worry", my mum says. If the IVF works, I'll come visit. Ok, so there's a 30% chance you'll come visit me one day. 30% being the IVF success rate.

If I ever dare mention anything to my mum about how I'm feeling, I get blasted about being jealous and then she'll say, "why don't you just get over it?"

Thanks mum!

If your parents are like this, I really don't think there is anything you can do... it hurts like hell so maybe all you can do is cut them out of your life????

Fly high right over them and send them your distant blessings as the queen of England would do as she has more important people who care that she visits. No hard feelings just happiness elsewhere. I understand.

XHi. I am in the same boat with the only difference being my parents divorced when I was 40. My mom left the family and never looked back and my dad is too busy with his girlfriend. However they always kept me away even when they were married...the divorce just seemed a convenient time to wipe their slates clean and finally move on to happiness without the resentment and animosity towards me they lived under for 40 years. Ultimately I believe you need to put yourself and your family first and forget about them. You do not have to make them like you and it is their loss in choosing to estrange themselves from you when you are someone they should be proud of. I hope this isn't harsh but as children there is no reason we need to accept emotional abuse from our parents when we would never accept it from a significant other.

I've been apart from my father since about 12. He knew my mother had serval breakdowns and abuse was running rampid. But still no call. If he did call it was "hi is your brother there?" "No" "beep, beep, beep" I did care when I was 12, but now I just want to tell him where to shove it before he dies, he is such a bum, used my bros and sister to the point they don't speak to him (although they did have loads more contact growing up) I can't wait for the day he calls "wanting to catch up" aka bum money, so I can laugh in his face and tell him, how much I want him to be alone on his death bed like he left me all those years ago. Yes I was young when they split, yes I physically resemble my mother, but ****, he sat me on his knee and told me his I love you's... To knowingly ditch me in a household of abuse was wrong!!
My mother, I try to contact her, but I do limit it as she always is so negative. I love her for trying tho...

Hi i know how you all feel. Im in my 30s and i was not brought up by my mother instead i was raised by my grandmother.I live a good 200 miles away from my mum so i dont expect to see her all the time but a phone call would be nice.I have to call her and quite often she gets my sister to make an excuse not to talk to me.She is always calling my brother or sister but not me.<br />
I just feel left out all the time i have very little family.I never get a birthday card or call nothing <br />
When i got married none of my family came which really upset me but now i have my own family with my wife and children that i feel i should no longer bother with my mum but i just cant be like that and long for that relationship with my mum. I guess its because i was'nt raised by her but who knows

Hey everyone, I took the time to read all the responses, Got the thought of doing a search for this topic, knew it probably wasn't unusual, but wanted to try to find some insight on why this happens.


I'm in my early 40's, married for 20 years with 2 kids, 14 and 7. Parents divorced when I was around 12. Even before then, Dad wasn't around even when he was there, usually sleeping on the couch. I don't really have much memories of us doing a lot together with my dad. I suspect he had to work extra jobs because of debt, and obviously my parents had problems, he spend a lot of time at the bar, I think. Never abused us, just not there.

I grew up pretty well, my mom made us go to church when we were younger. I think I got more of a value system from reading comic books religiously. Super-heroes taught me right from wrong!

I moved in with him in High school, because I wanted more stability in my life, but probably wanted dad's approval more. Lived with him for maybe 3 years while I finished school, then moved out to get an apartment with my future wife. We got along ok while I lived with him, and we tried to stay close after, but he and his wife started moving to Florida and coming back every couple years, often not telling us (went to visit on day, and the house was empty!). As time went on, they seemed less and less interested in keeping in touch.

An issue that's always been there is my step-brother and sister. I love them and have always gotten along with them, but we've always had the sense that dad favored them over his 3 boys. Don't know what it was, he was much more involved in raising them than us. Maybe he just wasn't happy with my mom, and took it out on us in that way. Now they are a big happy family with lots of "other" grandkids, and they barely know our kids.

We try to keep in touch and visit, life gets in the way, and my wife has a chronic illness, which keeps us from going out often. So we see dad only a few times a year at best lately, and we live about 10 min away. I think my step-mom told me once we don't keep in touch with them enough, that's why they leave us out of the loop, when we're the ones who at least try to make contact!! I'll get a call from dad on my birthday, and occasionally if he's in the hospital (I only get calls 1/2 the time he's in hospital). otherwise I'm the one who has to call and try to invite ourselves over.

In fairness, maybe a lot of parents think their kids want to be left alone, and we're thinking the same of them. I don't know. I'd like to try to have a better relationship with my dad because he's in poor health, but I usually don't want to bother. I am a Christian, and at least I can have confidence that my Father in heaven cares. I do pray those of us that are hurt by our parents will seek Him.

Thank you for your prayers. I think we have less crap to deal with then our parents?? I try to give them the benefit of the doubt to. Who knows what is really going on with them. Unfortunetly misery loves company. And it comforting to know I am not alone.

I'm in the same exact boat my parents divorced since I was a child my mom always sees my brother as the honorable one and me like second best it hurts on too many levels because I was never taking care of I raised myself I'm the second child at 32 years old my mom lives right down the street from my house never calls to even see how her own grandson is doing never calls me either it had got to be so bad now that my son will call his grandma by her own name instead of nana because she's not close to my son at all but is close to my brothers family his wife and 5 kids but never me and I only got 1 kid my mom is like she will come around if she even does once in every 5 years then go back to being distant sorry guess I'm just venting the bottom line is I would never turn my back on my children because I love my kids regardless all my life no matter what age they are young or old when you have any child you have a bond like superglue with your children no one should break that but my mom broke her superglue when I was born its gotten to be so bad that my 8 year old son doesn't see her as nana anymore or if I have any problem she does a good Job of destroy my life and my sons happiness my family is highly racists and has always been I was kicked in the street when I was only 14 years old I had to learn how to take care of myself as such a early age because what I thought was my moms job turned into my own job I tried talking to my mom she still doesn't care and I don't think she ever will ever again since she quit caring at the age of 14 my mom was a big time bar hopper with men and booze she slept with alot of men in and out of the house then dump us so she could go to the bar because she thought that **** of vodka was more important then her kids when she worked we got dumped on several babysitters who abused us when we told my mom the babysitter abused us we got called liars I was sexually assaulted by my own stepdad who is now married to my mom since 1988 I told her and again she called me a liar kicked me out with dirty clothes told me to go f&:) myself ad slammed the door to this day my stepdad never denied it to her when she asked him but she believed him and I was considered a liar I almost died when I was 7 years old due to getting severely burned with boiling hot water that covered at least 90% of my body and she didnt sign the papers she said I was a mistake she should of never had me I watch my mom abused at a young age I was beaten with a cable by my step father if I even looked at him wrong to be honest with all people I hold alot of pain put your place in my shoes I hate an alcoholic mother a sexual assault step father so income from a broken home my own real father don't want nothing to do with me either he was also estranged the thing that kept me going is my 8 year old because I taught him never be mad no matter what treat people kind no matter what he kept me going and he always will

Hey buddy, I understand. I'm a 39 year old doctor, as is my wife. We have 2 boys 11 and six. They play every sport....baseball...basketball etc. and have games year round. After several years (15 years) of a one way relationship...I am used to no contact. It hurts when your kids notice and ask why their grandparents are not at their games. Some relationships are toxic....period. That can include the relationships with your parents. I adopted a philosophy of "me and my four and no more". My four in "My" family are the most important. I have never been one to force myself on anyone....not even my parents. If you have a bad relationship with your folks IT IS NOT ALL YOUR FAULT! If you are not guilty...never feel guilty. Live with peace as we as Christians should. Be well my friend

I to Googled "parents who don't call". I am 47, have a sister who is 40 with her own family and a brother who is 38, on disability for depression and lives with his wife and daughter but they will be divorced soon. We are not close, all three of us are different personalities. Sometimes I feel like my parents had us because that;s what couples do when they marry. They really did'nt know what to do with us. They were not abusive, dadworked as a truck route driver, mom worked as waitress when dad got home so we never had sitters. Dad was always to tired to do anything, but eat dinner and watch tv. Mom wanted the house to be perfect but never satisfied. They have a nice house, you could eat off the floor but to her it's always a dump. We get together for every birthday and holiday but its always the same idle chi chat never real feelins showing. Never once have they asked for my two kids to come over, go to the park, Mcdonalds, just spend time with them and they are 28 and 16 now and don't have a relationship with them. By the way we live 10 minutes from each other. I am the oldest and always the one to arrange get-togethers. No one calls anyone else except my sister and mom they are more alike-quiet, no friends. thats another thing growing up mom and dad never had friends or anyone over. we would sometimes go to a relatives house for something and at the end everyone would say we need to keep in touch but no one ever called and mom and dad never called. Now those relatives are gone.I think mom doesn't call because she wants us to call first dad doesn't call because he can't hear and he thinks he is bothering us. I know this is long , just getting it out there. I have a best friend, I am closer to her and her family than my own. Thanks for listening

I feel really sad knowing that there are other people out that that are in the same situation as me. I'm 23 and I feel so alone when it come to family, I am an only child and have have a somewhat normal relationship with my parents. I live in a different country from them and I visit at least once a year. They sent me to study abroad when I was 17 and ever since then I have lived away from them. I have attempted to explain to them how much I would like it if they would contact me a little more often on their own accord, I cry, i plea and they always seem to understand, but once I get home I feel as if nothing has changed. At times out of frustration I end up threatening that if they don't make any effort then I will just cut all ties, but still nothing. I wonder if they even care. I feel like leaving home at such a young age I missed out on a lot of bonding experiences, but surely my parent would know the right thing to do. <br />
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I feel so lost and hopeless, I wish they knew how much their lack of effort to contact me hurts. I will always appreciate what they have sacrificed and done for me, I just hope it something changes before its too late.

I'm in my early 30's with two very young kids and several brothers. My parents never call me. I am the one to initiate all communication. I am glad you pointed out a few things about your Mother (namely, the lack of affection or excitement upon seeing you). My parents are the same. I think my mom might be codependent on my dad. I also think my mom might have depression and my dad might have manic depression. I also feel orphaned in every way although this has been happening my whole life. Too bad I can't get adopted at age 30- something. It does also make me feel like I did something wrong or that there's something wrong with me. I don't know what to do. I sometimes feel depressed.

I chalk it up to depression too. Its like the slave of dispair has taken them, but they have energy and time to visit my other siblings...

This is the OP again, updating my story from the last year. It has been two years since I wrote the original story (approximately). I don't know if I've ever mentioned this, but my wife and I had successful lucrative careers in another state, and we took much lower paying jobs and moved back to the area I grew up in particularly so that I could spend more time with my parents and family. At that time my Mom and Dad both urged me to come back, and indeed, for a few years I spent more time with them, but I was still doing all the initiating of getting together. But then their interest just seemed to fade out, and is continuing to fade. I feel terrible saying it, but I feel like I'm becoming an orphan of sorts, and orphan whose parent just happen to still be alive.<br />
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My situation with my parents has, if anything, degraded. My dad has now taken to contacting me less, and again I didn't see him at all for the holidays. I saw my Mom once for the holidays at the family get together on Christmas Eve.<br />
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Apart from that, my Mom has not initiated contact with me a single time, even when significant events happen (her house caught on fire, not serious damage, but still, I found out from my Aunt; Mom never has mentioned it to me; of course she hasn't called me, so how could she)<br />
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I called my Mom for Mother's Day and got her to meet me so I could take her out to dinner. At that time I was finally able to also give her her Christmas present from last year (2010).<br />
When my mom sees me on these occasions, she acts like she just saw me the other day; she doesn't indicate in any way that she misses me, and she is not very affectionate. <br />
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At the Christmas family get together, I came and sat with Mom and hugged her and sat with her and asked her to get together with me for lunch or something. She says that would be great, but then it won't happen unless I contact her and plan it, and then there is always the chance she will forget (which has happened before) and not show up.<br />
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It makes me sad, it makes me still feel like there is something wrong with me or something I've done wrong. I wonder if my wife and my failure to have a child (we tried but were not able to) is somehow the cause, at least in my parent's minds.<br />
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My Dad recently told me that he and his wife, my step mom, would be leaving the area in about a year and traveling around in a recreational vehicle they own, not living here for more than a few months a year. They are going to spend many months a year in the location my step mom is from, and where her son lives. She called to say they would not be able to meet with us for the holiday meal we hosted and invited them to because they were going to leave town that day to meet her son. <br />
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Now her son is a nice guy, and I don't at all want to get in the way of their relationship, but I thought, "really? the same day? what are the odds? and why can't they make some effort to rearrange things so they can see us both?" but clearly they aren't willing to make even that little effort.<br />
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I think there may be something to the idea that this is a recent social phenomenon related to the baby boomer era, to the "Me" generation. That the cultural pressures exerted on those generations have increased the incidence of parents estranging themselves from us. That is not to excuse the behavior, just an observation. Although some of the parents people are discussing in the thread are elderly, many are in that generation.<br />
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You know, this may sound silly coming from a guy in his mid forties, but something that helps me is that my wife tries to be nurturing and maternal for me when I feel bad. I lay my head on her chest, or she holds and rocks me. She makes me a meal I like, and tries to fill the caring parental role a little in different small ways, as an addition to our normal marital relationship and friendship. It really means a lot to me and helps me to cope and to feel closer to her. If you are married, perhaps you could talk to your spouse about doing things like that for you, whatever makes you feel comforted, and see if that helps some.<br />
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Thanks to everyone for continuing to add your stories. I think it helps us all to not feel so alone in our situation.

Maybe it is the me generation....My grandma does make excuses for my moms self centered ways.

It is well to me to see that I am not the only one suffering of this. <br />
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I'm 24<br />
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My parents both come from abusive households. They were both emotionally distant and scarcely around while I was growing up. My Dad, despite being a good man, physically assaulted me a few times growing up. My Mom always made me apologize after, and try to pretend it didn't happen. <br />
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Over the past 7 years since I moved out of their house, they have only been to visit me once. I initiate the vast majority of contact. I call. I go visit them at home, at work. They never have any idea where my job is located, nor where I live. I suggest that they should come over for a bbq, or for drinks and a back yard fire, etc, and my Mom typically says: "that would be nice". They never come though. <br />
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When I go visit them, they inquire a bit about my job, but that's about it. Anybody who knows me, knows that how I earn money, my job, is one of the least important things to me. It has so little to do with who I am as a human being. Most of the time I spend with them is spent watching TV shows they have recorded, that I have little love for. They know I don't watch TV, at least I know I've told them several times.. The rest of the time is usually spent talking about things going on in their life.<br />
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I really love my parents. Despite their faults, I really respect and admire them as individuals. They are good people.<br />
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Thats why their abandonment hurts so much. I just realized that recently. I feel abandoned by my parents. I believe I've felt this way since I was a child. The worst part I think is, is that it is affecting me in a very real way today. I have abandonment issues.<br />
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I have a very difficult time starting relationships with women. I had one three-year relationship that ended up with her leaving me. That hurt really bad. I felt abandoned.<br />
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Now it is very tough for me to get close any of them. I've had some good women come into my life, but because of these deep issues I hold within me, they sadly aren't around for long. I always push them away, never let them close, no matter how much I like them. It hurts every time one of them leaves.<br />
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It all adds up to me feeling very lonely. I have very little LOVE in my life. I don't have a partner, and I don't have a relationship with my parents.<br />
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Ahh... anyway. I could go on. I didn't mean to write so much, but it felt good to just that. Thanks to anyone who reads this. I feel for all of us who has posted here. I feel for all who have that stabbing, empty, breathtaking feeling in their chest everyday.

I am in my early 30's and married. My parents ruined our wedding 11 years ago. Not because they didnt like my soon to be husband, but because they couldnt control every aspect of it. I did not get to even have a wedding because of them. We married in a courthouse because they were being jerks. My husband and I found out we cant have children around april of 2011 or so. The first thing out of my mothers mouth was why dont you get a doner. I was so hurt. After they found out we cant have kids they didnt want a thing to do with us. My mother didnt even call me on my birthday or send a card. She picks her side of the family over her own kids. Thinks its funny when her family treats me bad and tells me to get over it. This last Christmas neither one of them bothered to call or anything. I decided after that I would send a letter explaining how i felt and got nothing, no call bitching me out, no nothing. So stupid even my father blocked and deleted me from facebook for no reason at all back in July way before i sent the letter. I know he did because of his side of the family said he was on there. If i let them in they end up hurting me and I am getting to the point where i never want to speak to them again. I feel like an orphan and so unloved. If i had children i could never do that to them. I dont know what else to do :(

An update since this post is The only thing I have heard from my father is back in Nov of 2012 he sent me some weird text like a picture saying "dont come to my funeral to show how much you care about me show me how much you care now while im alive. I feel like all they do is play head games. What the hell kind of response is that anyway? Oh and my mother sends me one with another smart *** comment. I have come to the conclusion that they are both pieces of **** and that they both think so highly of themselves it makes me sick! and they think people should just bow down to them. I got news for them, Im not the gullible little shy brow beaten kid anymore!!!

The screwed up thing is the only thing they got out of my letter explaining they hurt me and how I was feeling is that I "disrespected them" My husband tried contacting my dad to see if there was anything to repair and his first contact was "theres not a day that goes by I dont think about her blablabla. Then the second contact was nothing but excuses on why he didnt respond. Then by the end of it , My dad flat out told my husband that it was too late for them to forgive me! All because i sent them a heartfelt letter telling them how I felt. Then he told my husband he didnt need this sh** anymore and that he was done and then tried to insult my husbands intelligence and brought his mother into it. My husband was really ticked off but responded with such grace. He told my dad that he was not going to tolerate them treating me that way. If they couldnt behave like normal people he was blocking him from our lives. Even after that they send those stupid texts. I could never treat my children that way if I had kids. There is going to come a time when they need me and I will tell them to **** off!

Guess there are many of us out there who feel/are abandonment by their parents. My mom has not once been to see me in 6 some odd years, she lives 2 hours away, never calls, I always have to call, but I'm sick of it now.

Your Mom lives 2 hours away from you. My parents live in the same city as me. Isn't it awful to have them be so close, yet they never come see you? It makes me wan to move far away from them, so then I at least know that its physically difficult for them to come see me.

I have said the exact ame things...

It's weird, cos u always hear about ppl who think their parents care and interfere too much in their life. I get angry, or maybe not angry but I get jealous when I hear that. It's so odd that parents don't want to spend time with thier children even if they're grown up isn't it. I have started thinking about how animals treat their descendants and maybe we just need to be more like that, even if it hurts at first but then you start forgetting about ur parents and live ur own life. I'm sorry to hear that u have abandonment issues, I guess so do I. I hope you can work through them and find a partner some day that'll take you for who you are.

Narcissism. Also known as “Recreational Hurt, Disappointment, and Resentment”. While I’d like to think that the never-ending “You never call or come to see us” complaints are related to old age/ loneliness/senility/confusion, and are not to be taken personally, I‘m reminded of how I often feel after phone calls and family events. “Show-up, and reflect how we perceive ourselves (Waaay above any of you, by the way). Give us diversion. ” My mother focuses on herself the ENTIRE time; angry and “hurt” about people who have proven to be immoral, disloyal, or unworthy. My father usually quietly hangs-up the other phone while she goes on, and I don’t know he’s gone until I say “Hey Dad, I read an article/heard a joke the other day that made me think of you. Dad? Dad?”. My Mom then would say, “Oh, Daddy got off of the other phone 10 minutes ago. You have to listen to me. Call back later if you want to talk to him.” There have been literally hundreds of Life events that I wanted to share with them over the years, but I was unable to get words-in edgewise, and if I am honest, I knew that I would never get the reaction I had vaguely hoped for. <br />
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My parents are in their late-70’s now, and whenever I make my bi-weekly call, they pick-up/hang-up instantly for the first two calls…”To avoid telemarketers” ( although they have Caller ID). On my successive 3rd call, they pick-up laughingly, saying that they just knew it had to be me. Every time, I tell her that I don’t want to call and be hung-up on. She dismisses me by countering that they shouldn’t have to hear a telemarketer’s voice. “You’ll have to keep calling, so we know it is you.”. (No, I don’t.) She changes the subject, complaining how no one ever calls them (Yes, they do), and goes over her Calls-Received list…Complete with names and dates. Sooner or later she complains that no one really appreciates her (No, we don't like your abuse), everyone gangs up on her, bad-mouths my siblings (and undoubtedly badmouths me), and most of all…No one wants to commit to assisting her (be her Sherpa) at church and carry all of her Sunday school class materials. Her “friends” are always new people who carry her supplies and equipment, help with classes. Anyone who doesn’t want to help (be used the rest of their lives) is dismissed as being a flake, or unreliable…or amazingly “To Hell with them.” My siblings and I were her “helpers/little friends” until we left for college. “You never appreciated Daddy and me. Sometimes I wish that we’d never had you. Don’t take it personally. I wanted abortions with all of you. Daddy and I had to give up so many dreams in order to feed all of you (four). I was a nurse, but I wanted to be a doctor. Don’t look at me that way. I’m just being honest.” (Well, I’ll be honest too …You are sick and twisted. We ran for our lives.).<br />
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One way that being discounted has affected me, is that I have a very difficult time extricating myself from dubious relationships. I have very little inner self to believe in and turn to. Would I rather have a few crumbs and drops of water each day, or nothing at all? On top of that, add 10 years of trying to protect my siblings from Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy. And, yes, I’ve been in counseling.

I feel sad that there are so many of us out there with parents like these. I have the exact same parenting and it is so very hurtful that words can't express it. Over time though, I have gotten use to it. <br />
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They are the type who raise their children to be approval seeking, dependent on their opinions, and hoverer's. At least mine are/were. What helped me the most is to uncover that they are both from the baby boomer generation and are Narcissistic. It's not about you really. They are attention seekers, and they see it as being offensive that you are not paying the attention that they want. It is sad, these parents that are toxic with NPD, have over inflated sense of self, and in their minds, you don't love THEM. And they are going to sulk and pout if you don't go to them first. Sad that they are that way, but it describes NPD people 100 percent. When they pout over your lack of contact, they tell other people, relatives and siblings, that you don't care about them at all. Which is the farthest thing from the truth.<br />
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There was a time, when I had married my second husband, that I thought they just loved us to pieces, would drop by sometimes unannounced but didn't bother me that much, but soon I realized that I was putting on all the holidays as if I owed them something, my mother started to not invite the two of us over for meals and then I noted the manipulation patterns. And when I use to call them, allowed at LEAST 2 hours of phone time. One hour for each "N" parent to go on and on about themselves. And only when I wanted to hang up from a sore ear, did they say, how are you by the way?? <br />
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Sadly a few years back, I put an abrupt stop to allowing this to go on. When I hung up from talking with them I felt so horrible that I could not call again for a few weeks. Now when they do call or make any sort of contact, it's something concerning or negative. <br />
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Don't be hurt because they don't phone you, they are too busy being p.o.ed that you have not called and get your bags ready for the next guilt trip they want to send you on, with all expenses paid by the lowering of your self esteem with inappropriate remarks all about poor me 's. I've had severe panic attacks due to the withdrawals of their love to punish me. It's time I live my life even if they don't want me in theirs. All of us need to.

One would expect parents to act bigger and stay in touch with their children and grandchildren. They are the ones losing out. Pray for them and just go on with your life. Cultivate other relationships and hobbies. <br />
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My parents divorced each other when I was 10. I'm so used to not having my parents around that out of sight is out of mind. It's not my fault they chose not to be part of my life. I am happily married and raising children. I have had many friends and other families I felt close to. I have many hobbies and interests. Don't let other people get you down.

I married a man who is European and has a very gregarious, close, warm family. At first it was easy to talk around how much contact my parents and I have. But when my husband became ill and his sister visited us, I guess it became apparent. I realised a long time ago, they are what they are, and they have the relationship they want with us and their grandchildren. I see them, I talk to them, I love them, but we are not the same sort of people

This is interesting. I've been trying to understand a new trend in Adult Children estranging their parents and most complain their parents are too intrusive, too involved, overbearing and haven't learned to let go of their parenting status. They feel as if they can't separate as adults, and rather than just ask for space, they invent reasons to cut them off completely.

Are you troubled listenandlearn, by adult parents, or just mocking people on this board. I for one have strange parents who just dont show any conern.

I am 25 and I have read all the postings and am very relieved that I am not the only one. It's so hard to find information about estranged parents. My parents never call me or send me cards. I remember when I was in Iraq, I had never felt more alone in my whole life. I never got one package from them or so much as a card. They send me these forwarded e-mails that are suppose to be funny, but I find no humor in them because its a reminder that they don't even have anything genuine to say to me. It really hurts me that they show no concern or regard, even though I 'm suppose to believe they love me. Sometimes I wonder if some parents like to believe they love their children but in fact they actually have no feelings for them and it shows by their lack of concern. It's very unfortunate, but sometimes I think the truth hurts. I've come to realize that I have done nothing wrong and I have only requested their attention from time to time. A few kind words would have cost them nothing, but instead I am met with indifference. I have no one but myself and holidays have become meaningless to me. I will continue to live my life alone as best as I can and endeavor in finding happiness and love within myself. Its difficult but as a result of this emptiness that dwells inside of me, I have cultivated depth, understanding, and foresight that others do not have....

Well, I have the same problem, parents Never calling me Unless they need something repaired in their house, or need me to take them to a doctor for an appointment. I am 56 years old. My mom is 80, dad 83. My mother recently had to go in a nursing home 9 months ago. So i do not expect her to call because of her condition with Dementia, and getting worse by the day. But one would think this would make us all closer to each other, with my Dad and siblings. Not at all. We seem farther apart!! My Mom and Dad Rarely Ever called me just to see how I am doing. I remember this since I was 18 years old. I have been calling my Dad once a week up until about 2 weeks ago. In between visits with my mother, my Dad and others never call me to keep me posted on my mother's health. Even though I ask the Nurses many questions when I visit my Mom, I still like to get a call from my Dad just so he can re-assure me about my Mom, and how she is doing. And Everytime at the end of the conversation with my Dad when I call him. He ALWAYS tells me, I will call you if something comes up about Mom. He never does. Three weeks ago when I went to the Nursing Home to see my Mom, she had Pneumonia. I found that out from the bad Cough my mother had. I called my Dad right away and asked him, Why did you Not let me know about Mom being sick? He told me, I did not think it was that Important!!! Then he had the Nerve again to say that he will call me if something comes up about Mom, at the end of the call. But I spent Many years being Depressed about my parents never calling me. In fact All my Life it bothered me. But Now I am more Angered than anything with my Dad still being that way. But at the same time he spent Most of his life Abusing me as a child anyway, in the younger years. I can't count how many times he beat me with his belt. And read the Newspaper while I came to him with personal problems when young, while Trying to talk to him about them. I still think of those younger days, and am still Bitter at him in ways. His age does not seem to get in the way of my feelings it seems, just because of the way he Still is today with Not calling me. My son is 10 years old. I NEVER spanked him yet, or ever Hit him at all. One time I yelled at him Really Loud. And I felt Bad for a week. Most of the time he does Listen and Obey me. But I would NEVER hit my Son. All of Us siblings don't keep much contact with each other as well these days. But I always Wished for that ALL MY LIFE as well. Another Loss cause for the depression I had and still have. But It all starts when you are younger with the Parents setting the Right Examples to their kids growing up. Well they did a Loused up Job, because look how we all are today. We did all get together on Holidays, most of the time. But anything in between there was nothing. Again, I am still Depressed because of my Whole Family, with my parents being the front runners of it all. I know that If I do Not call my dad for awhile, he Still will Not call me. So I will wait to see what happens. But I held my Breath on this for too many years, before.<br />
God Bless You All, Here. Better Times/Days are coming they keep saying!!

OP here. Over the year, I have read the comments of everyone else in the same situation as they came in, and have felt empathy with everyone and appreciated so much their sharing of similar situations, but I had not commented yet. But I feel the need to share again.<br />
Mamato, thanks for sharing. I wish I could adopt your viewpoint into my heart; I am so upset about this holiday season it is awful. <br />
This Christmas was pathetic for me where my parents were concerned. Up until now at least I have gotten with my parents for Christmas without fail. My parents are divorced, I will mention because it is relevant to the following tale.<br />
First, my Dad and his stepwife decided to leave town for Christmas and made no plans to get with me. And not that I care about gifts, seriously, but we had gotten them gifts and we normally get together to exchange gifts. And I spoke with my Dad and said I wanted to get together and do that.<br />
Well, they mailed me and my wife some small gift cards and had some bread sent to us from a bread company. My wife was furious and decided we would keep or return our gifts to them and send them gift cards, which she did. I really couldn't blame her or disagree with her, it was infuriating.<br />
With my Mom, I had called her several weeks beforehand to check on her Holiday plans. She agreed we would see one another at the yearly family Christmas Eve party hosted at my cousin's house, and then she, my stepdad, and my wife would go over to my house afterwards and exchange gifts. <br />
We had been enjoying ourselves and visiting at the Christmas Eve party for about an hour and my Mom had not shown up. This is not unusual because she is often late, but I thought I would ask our host if they had heard anything from my Mom. The answer was, with surprise that I didn't know, that my Mom had told them she was not feeling well and had decided not to come. I would understand her not coming if she was sick, but she had not called me and let me know even though we had made plans. I was told Mom had asked my Aunt to drop by and pick up my wife's gifts to take to the party. I was shocked, I think my jaw went slack. <br />
The gifts were checks for my wife and I, and a small commercial wrapped piece of fruitcake. It was almost as though my Mom and Dad had colluded to both get me pathetically impersonal gifts. <br />
And no mention of how or when we were supposed to get her gifts and my stepdad's gifts to them. <br />
So, it was a lot like when I got hit full in the face with a dodge ball when I was a boy. I was numb for several minutes, and then it started to hurt. Again, when we got home my wife was enraged, saying she could not imagine how both of my parents could treat me this way, and that I was a very good person and had not done anything to deserve this treatment. I agree with her. It's the day after Christmas and my Mom has not contacted me yet. So, Christmas completely without communication from either parent, perhaps for the first year in my entire life. Super upsetting.<br />
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I told my wife I would keep trying with my parents, I have been continuing to try since I wrote my first story.<br />
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I understand everyone who has made the decision not to continue in the face of continually not getting reciprocation from their Mom and Dad. But I watched both of my wife's parents die slowly of chronic diseases, and I see what it is like from her to no longer have your parents. I know that once they die I will wish I had spent more time with them, and if I have not done what I can do to try to make that happen, whether it is successful or not, I believe I will feel the worse for it. It is a Catch 22, an awful quandary to be in.<br />
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Because some people have mentioned focusing on their own families, which I think is a good and positive redirection of energy, I will note that my wife and I were not able to have children. <br />
It is good to have one another, and to have friends and other relatives, but I think I will always long for the good supportive relationship I used to have for so many years with both of my parents, and I will always wonder what the heck happened that made it fall apart on their end.<br />
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Please keep sharing everyone, it helps us all to feel less like we are the only ones in this situation.

I feel like you, miketr2009, feeling like once they die there is no more you can say to them, and that's why it kills me that when I do try to call my parents that they reject me. I don't want them to die and feel like I was cheated of a meaningful relationship with those who decided to bring me into this world in the first place. I want more time with them too, but they don't care.

Last time I talked to my mother was on November 19th when I called. Since then, she has forwarded some chain e-mails to me, but nothing personal. Last year, I called for Christmas. 46 days later I still hadn`t heard from my parents. So I called again.<br />
There is no initiating contact on their part and they ask my sister how I`m doing. It really hurts, specially today at Christmas, when they again didn`t call. <br />
Unfortunately, I chose to cut them out. Life is too short and there are too many valuable people who make an effort to talk to me every day and I can`t let them down. I also have a husband and in laws who adore me and we love to spend time together. <br />
I have brought this up to their attention many times, but nothing`s changed. So, I have to change the way I look at things. I can`t take allow my son to have a less than happy mother because of other people`s choices. I chose to be a good mom. Not only now, but when he`s grown and out of the house also. <br />
I can no longer make anyone else responsible for my own happiness. It is mine to own. Although they were okay parents in the past, now they are distant relatives. It`s their choice, not mine.<br />
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I hope all of you can look past the hurt and embrance all the othe beautifil things you can have. I am sure you`re all great people and deserving of much love. <br />
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Sil

In these cases that is the best choice, to focus on those who do care about us, and let go of those who don't care and never will.

It is both unhealthy and pointless to continue to try to have a relationship with those who reject us again and again, regardless of who they might be. The sooner we can accept that reality and move on, the better off we will be! We can't force others to love us or want us around, and in the end they will be the losers.

I know it isn't easy because I've done it myself. I let go of what's left of my immediate family because they rejected me, for reasons still unknown to me. But I'm a lot happier and more at peace because of it. It takes strength, but it CAN be done.

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.MY PARENTS ARE THE SAME .MY BROTHERS ALSO,YES IT HURTS LIKE HELL IT BOTHERS ME EVERYDAY,LIKE YOU SAID WE KNOW THEY LOVE US ,BUT THEY DONT CARE FOR US ANYMORE.ITS LIKE THEY CANT SEE THE PAIN I HEAR FROM MY MOM ABOUT ONCE A MONTH MY DAD NEVER TALKS TO ME ,IM NEVER INVITED TO FAMILY FUNCTIONS IM REALLY SERIOUSLY THINKING ABOUT CUTTING HER OFF FOR GOOD BECAUSE ITS NEVER GONNA CHANGE IM,DEPRESSED ALL THE TIME . MY PARENTS ARE VERY INVOLED WITH MY BROTHERS AND THEIR WIVES AND THE KIDS ETC..... ITS BEEN 6YRS NOW AND I STILL HURTING .

Sometimes I fell that they treat me like this because they feel guilt and remorse towards me. AS if I am the scapegoat for their bad behaviors or an ugly reminder of how aweful they can be...

hi all. i know this post is from a while back, but i just happened to come across it today. i googled "my parents don't call me" in hopes that i would find someone else in my position who might understand. i will be 26 on friday and i wonder if i will get a call for my birthday. my dad called me last year, but my mom forgot. my own mother did not call me (her only child) for my 25th birthday. that hurt so badly. she sends odd, stream of consciousness style emails from time to time, but haven't received a phone call in....well...i can't remember the last time. i feel guilty if i don't call them more often, but they never call me so what's the point? i am a good kid, i never did anything wrong, never snuck out of the house, always got good grades, went to college, got a master's degree, got married to a wonderful man........what did i do wrong? why won't they call me? i feel abandoned, sad, and really really hope that a lack of a phone call won't ruin yet another birthday. not only did i not get a phone call last year, no card, or god fobid a gift. i don't care about STUFF, i just want a card and a phone call. i'm a good person, i've done nothing to deserve this. i'm thinking about cutting my mother out of my life if she forgets again this year... i just can't take this sadness anymore. what do u guys think? is that selfish to cut her out? i just can't stand this feeling any more.

I read your comment and feel exactly the same way :o( There is an emptiness inside of me that yearns for love but only the love a mother can give. For many years I have silently suffered depressions and suicide attempts. I have lied to all the people in my life about the wonderful parents and family I never had. I hid my pain because I was ashamed. i have spoken to my parents many times about this only to be told "grow up and stop feeling sorry for yourself". I am also considering estrangement... I just want to feel loved and wanted...

erbbb26 and metrapolis: I too have done everything that I was told growing up: stay in school, take care of your health, get a masters degree (if medical school and law school aren't options) - I got one in accounting but can't stand the profession. I've tried to get a job, I have emailed as much of my efforts to my dad as I possibly can. I call and divulge all the events of my interviews right after I leave the office to my mom on the phone. But all I get, then, now, are hate mail from my dad. "Don't call. We don't want to hear from you. Get into the armed forces or don't call us. Go to the Welfare office. We want you out of our lives." I cry every time I try to talk to them, I try to have a nice conversation with them, but every time I do, they twist anything I say around and put words in my mouth that I never ever said or even suggested in any way. I tell them of my experiences, what I have learned, and he tells me that I am never to tell him what to do, how to do it, etc. I'm not welcome in their house, They have some of my belongings from when I was a child that I had hoped they would be proud of safeguarding for quite some time, but I feel that I should go to their house and get them before they trash it all or give it all away, like they say they have done. I have asked them to mail it to me, but they say that they're too busy (but not too busy to mail me a laptop every 10 months it seems). I wish that I had more family to talk to as openly and honestly and as often as I try to talk to my parents. My uncle is borderline hermit, I don't have any contact information for any of my cousins (I think I have about 4 or 5 that I can remember when I was a small child). No aunts, no grandparents, no in-laws. I'm hanging onto threads of relationships from a church that I attend just for socialization in a way that I feel comfortable with. I feel so lonely. I hate this rejection. My mom, metrapolis, is also constantly telling me to "grow up and stop feeling sorry for yourself" they both hang up on me whenever they even think they hear my voice quiver on the phone and think I'm shedding a single tear. Yeah, I'm not allowed to cry, they hang up on me if I do. I hate it so much that they say I say things when I don't. I hate it so much. Is this a disease of the mind they have? I look to them for comfort, moral support, motivation, encouragement, and all I get is bullying. "You're an emotional female that we don't want anything to do with." Click.

You deserve a hug....you turned out alright thanks to them, but you don't need them anymore. You have proven that you can fly. Fly to warmer people and places. Somebody else needs you. :)

I completely understand my parents are the same way. Im always the one planning get togethers and I always am the one who makes the phone calls or go to their house. Ive invited them to my house for bbq's and they are either busy or they dont feel up to it.<br />
I stopped talking to them completely for a few months to try to teach them a lesson after i confronted them about it. It dident work they ended up being mad at me for ignoring them. They saw nothing wrong with the way it was before and are completely oblivious to how they make me feel with their lack of interest.<br />
On one hand i think parents need to be aware of how their actions and selfishness effect us and if confronted try to fix the problem if they are unaware they hurt us. On the other hand since i have tried in several different ways to mend and fix the problem. Like my friends and previous poster said it is what it is. They wont change, because they dont see an issue. <br />
Cherish the moments and the time you have. Dont let not calling or keeping in touch all the time make you feel guilty. They are use to you checking in and they probably dont see the need to call because they know you will. I use to call my parents quite often but my dad doesn't like talking on the phone and my mom only wants to gossip about other peoples lives and how much she saved with coupons. Anything i say about me and my life falls on deaf ears with her watching tv and not responding or interrupting to talk about someone i dont know on her facebook.<br />
Sadly ive learned to live with the fact they will not change and even though i know they love me i will never get the relationship i wish we had.

Parents are sometimes unthoughtful. You however are thinking about them it seems. Do not allow them to ruin your joy. If you feel you want to talk to them or share a joy in your life do so .. if they are going to hurt with their response or lack thereof, do not connect them. I have learned from both ends..child and parent.. accept "it is what it is"..

I read this and I thought I was looking in the mirror for a second... My parents are pretty much the same way. I find peace in the fact that I came to a realization a while back. We tend to hold blood relatives on a high pedestal, purely because they are related by blood. But, they are human, with all their imperfections, cruelties, and selfishness. I am also in my forties, and I find an emptiness in going through the motions when it comes to holidays and other family occasions. However, I'm not depressed over it, because I cling to and focus on the family members and friends that I DO have a healthy relationship with. I refuse to focus on the ones that I don't.

I like your outlook with the hand dealt you! :) Very encouraging.