I'm Just Not Like Them.

I haven't spoken to my younger sister since just before Christmas.

My dad was planning a dinner, and since most of my sibs live in one city, he wanted to meet there. I live over two hours away, and was working the date in question... and since I work retail management, during December, my workload triples. I deal with over 10000 people a day coming through the doors, and find that I'm just not up to travelling after that.

I told my dad and sibs that I wouldn't be able to make it, because 2 hours travel each way for one hour of dinner was just something I couldn't do that time of year. My brothers and my dad understood, but my sister took great offence to this and sent a nasty email about what a horrible, ungrateful, selfish person I am.

Since this email was right on the heels of several nasty comments she'd made on photos I had posted on facebook, and several snide comments made to friends & family about photos I'd posted, I removed her from my friends list and blocked her access to my albums. I get so stressed in December, and was so tired of everything I did being criticized by her, even if it was something that didn't involve her. If everything you did was fodder for someone's snarky conversations behind your back, would you still allow that person access to your pics?

3 days later (when she realized she couldn't see my pictures and comment on them any more) I got another nasty email from her about how I've always been jealous of her, mean to her, and how I've have picked on her her whole life.

My mom suffered from chronic depression when I was young, and ranged from abusive to completely lethargic. I looked after my younger sibs all through my teen years- did the grocery shopping and cooking, laundry, took them to school and left school early to pick them up... made sure they had a cake and presents on their birthdays, all the things a mom is supposed to do but our mom was too tranked up to bother with. I've never been mean to her, and gave up a lot of my own youth for the sake of her and our brothers. When Mom kicked her out of the house, I let her come stay with me and helped her get a start in her own apartment. As far as I can tell, I've never been anything but good to her. I have no idea where she gets this persecution complex, but I figure that since I can't convince her otherwise and all she does is create stress for me when I am around her, I won't be around her.

I still care about her and I wish she could be happy, but I think she probably isn't. If she was really happy, would she be so obsessed with criticizing someone else's life?

I'd try to make it better if I thought it was possible, but she's always so convinced that she's right. I just don't have the patience required to try to convince someone who refuses to admit the possibility of being wrong, so I stay away from her. I've sent birthday and Christmas gifts and a few cards so she knows I think of her and that I care, but I feel it's my right to not allow someone who does nothing but spout negativity the chance to be a part of my day-to-day life.

lapinova lapinova
31-35, F
9 Responses Apr 4, 2009

This sounds so much like my story. I'm just sooo tired of the drama. It really puts me in a panic and physically effects my well being. I want nothing to do with it.

So, I'm going to take a bit of a different approach from most of those who've commented. I don't think it's necessarily helpful to label your sister with a psychiatric disorder. She may have BPD, but she may not, and I worry this sort of labeling automatically shuts down the possibility of healing. Also, it's not a question of "right" or "wrong," good or bad. So, I think from what you've said here that your sister actually really loves you and really WAS hurt that you couldn't make it to the dinner. I'm not saying her actions were right or wrong--just that they may proceed from actual caring. From personal experience, I know I am most vulnerable with the people I care most about, and when I am vulnerable, i sometimes act defensively, irrationally, or stupidly. It's probably incredibly difficult, but you could just try to tell your sis that you love her and that you wish all this stuff never happened between you guys. That's it. Leave it at that. Don't label her as the bad one or the good one or the sick one. Just let her be human.

I like to think she just misses you and wants to spend time with you... but to write all over your pics??? the fact that there in Facebook makes it that much worse. Maybe she needs to read your post, think shed change her toon? who knows.

It sounds like a case of Borderline Personality Disorder, or some other disorder, pathology, etc. at work here. You can block emails just as easily as you can block facebook. Snail mail can be marked 'return to sender.' Others can hear that "no, I choose not to hear your information/repetition of commentary of/about this person." Those who refuse to honor this request can watch your backside as you walk away. Those who continously bite the hand that feeds them do not recognize their own need for help until they have no hands left to bite.

Yes, I agree with deborahjean2963's statement. Your sister definitely has insecurities of her own and likes drama, so please keep your distance.<br />
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Your sister should be grateful that she has a loving sibling like you. I empathize with you, as I have experienced unbelievable venom from my younger sister (since childhood). I no longer speak to her (and my family), as I cannot stand their drama, negativity, gossip, meanness and irrationality. I cut ties with my sister, mother and grandmother 2-3 years ago. It is not something that I am proud of, but it is something I had to do for my sanity and spirit. I am a very optimistic and happy person. A family is supposed to support you and show love, not break you and be toxic.<br />
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I am not saying to cut off ties completely from your sister. However, I am saying to be careful and ensure that your sister knows what boundaries and proper sister etiquette is. Good Luck.

I dont understand why she does this.. is she hurt by you for another reason?

I wish I knew! I can't think of anything I've ever done to hurt her, but something's got to be going on in her head.

Who can blame you for your response to this situation, just because she is family it dosent give her the right to be so ungreatful to you situation and needs . I too looked after my brother and sister and am now 42 years old and find myself doing the same with no respect for my efforts. I have cut off my sister and i am about to do the same for my brother.

You are doing the right thing. It is obvious that your sister has issues. You and God know the truth and that really is all that matters.<br />
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Love your sister in your heart. Forgive her in your heart. But keep your distance. Sounds like having a relationship with her would be toxic.<br />
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It seems common sense when its a toxic friend to cut them from your life - its so much harder when the toxic person is a family member - and especially, when deep down, you love them and want a happy relationship with them.<br />
You have to look after yourself though and your self esteem and if that means keeping your distance until she grows up a bit or comes to her senses then so be it. I think you are doing the right thing.<br />
Best of luck, and I hope one day you can be friends with her :)