I Am Estranged From Family Members
Hi, and like others said, what a great relief to find this group!
Currently I am estranged from one of my two daughters (I had to break it off due to her extreme abusiveness and denied mental illnesses) and my narcissistic, abusive older sister.
I was the 2nd of three girls with one younger 1/2 brother. My mother rejected me at birth because she blamed me (her pregnancy) on my natural father's murder in Alaska in 1946 before it became a state, right after the war, a shortage of Men causing Murderous Lifetime Prisoners and he left his low paying banking job to earn money for her new house, new car, fancy furniture and lifestyle PLUS to help pay the extra expenses of the "new baby boy".
Then she even blamed me for her marrying my perverted, useless step dad within months of my father's death and my birth - because when he held me I could breathe. I had failure to thrive and barely lived the first six months of my life. So, everything was all my fault and she was a mean ***** (also a wonderful person in many ways - I've long since forgiven her for her seeming borderline personality) and secretly abused me. She allowed my sibs to be cruel and vicious toward me anytime they wanted and I got the blame for everything - she finally confessed all her sick **** (that I'd known intuitively all my life) when I was around 30 years old, a single mom with two kids in dire straits.
The worst of her horrific hatred of me was the secret nature of it and since she spoiled the crap out of the other three and they thrived in school and in society, it was easy to tell others 'there was just something not "right" about me' and they all bought it - making me a scapegoat at school and at church. She was the hero sunday school teacher and christian and my child-molesting step-dad a Deacon in the church (typical christian to me). No one ever knew why I failed at school while my lower-i.q.'d sister got straight A's and skipped a grade she was so "smart" - of course it was my fault again - I was 'just trying to hurt my dear old mother' and humiliate her. Sure mom. Turns out, I am the only one to end up with A++ credit (855), own my own home clear and free, and a hybrid car clear and free... my two living sibs are essentially living out of dumpsters and on charity. My deceased 1/2 brother was more successful but in an abusive marriage for 25 years before he finally left her and began to build a whole new life just before he died.
So, I grew up with minus 100 degrees of self-esteem, terrified of life's hopeless unfairness-es, and married two a**wipe alcoholics in a row who beat me, had affairs on me, couldn't hold a job (I supported both of them) and in general were 99% useless except that I was blessed with two beautiful daughters, one from each marriage. Divorced at age 22 and still no self-esteem except that I was a very hard working son of a gun. Anyone I loved I over accommodated including my daughters. After seeing my sibs grow up spoiled rotten, 'entitled' to having everything their way without having to EARN it, I was determined to not spoil my girls. Being dirt poor all the time certainly helped but also I had equal rules for them both and enforced them equally to teach them fairness, humility and responsibility. Figured this was the most important thing. But the oldest got spoiled behind my back - to the point of parental alienation and the other was treated much like I had been so I tended to defend her from their treatment (obvious dis-favor).
The end result was that my oldest ended up hating me and the youngest ended up spoiled by my codependent defending her. They both married well and have very good lives of security and greatly loved by their mates. But my eldest seemed to have taken up my mother's agenda toward me - to blame me for everything wrong in her life. She is an untreated alcoholic, bulimic, and spoiled to the gills by her husband. She wanted to kill me when she was 15 (drew lots of pictures of her killing me) but stabbed my dog to death instead. Her father's family are all diagnosed schizophrenics (including her gramma's sibling and nieces). All Finns. So, I think she might have some of that going on too but she was so cruel and abusive toward me and then would turn around and be all gushy nice, after 22 years of her adulthood, I finally gave up trying to have a healthy, sane, non-abusive relationship with her so I ended our relationship (not disowned, just ended) in July of 2008. Later found out a bunch more lies she told about me - like I broke her arm with a metal pipe! huh? Just like my mother who would make crap up about me to convince others as to what a victim of mine she was - (NOT!)
This came out of my getting in recovery for my own codependent life style and personality development. I had accumulated rude, user type friends who were the spittin' image of various family members from the past. I outwardly acted like none of it bothered me, while inside I was crushed and often enraged. It was phony and hypocritical but I never felt sure I would ever have ANY friends except these kind.
Fortunately I retired in September of 2007 and so have not had to maintain a phony facade of NICENESS to a** holes. I have finally been able to begin clearing out the abusive relationships - including my family. I confronted my narcissistic older sister in Feb 09 and it ended in a stand off with her refusing to address her behavior toward me (after years of supporting her and enabling her self-made-VICTIM lifestyle of entitlements she couldn't afford). She is very sadistic, very controlling and demeaning of others. She would hold off on that behavior toward me until she would get what she wanted and then it would slip out in various subtle and unsubtle ways. She couldn't handle it when I confronted her and let her know I was furious at her uncalled for snotty, humiliating treatment. She refused to respond.
So I have one, younger sister still, barely, one daughter barely, and a brother who died in '06 - parents all dead and almost no cousins alive. I'm 63 and people say I look like I'm in my 40's. But have been single all but 3 years of my life. A lonely life but finally now starting to establish new and healthier relationships.
So, that's where I am. The inner emotional struggles are horrific. I had to get over how pitiful this made me when I looked at myself and my life. I had to forgive those who took advantage of my low-self-esteem and desperation for acceptance and belonging. I had to start all over again at age 62 (08) and face the terror of being ALONE the rest of my life.
I was diagnosed Fibromyalgia in 1994 shortly after my oldest daughter 'cut me out of her life for 4 years' and my younger daughter declared I could only see my grandkids (3 from her) as 'supervised' visits because I had made the comment after having them for the day that the kids were out of control, and then in 2004, I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder, and adult adhd stemming from childhood and continually triggered by my adult life's experiences.
Now, I am finally starting to get my 'alive energy' back for the first time in 30+ years, also for the first time in my life, I'm not depressed. I am finally able to focus on my health, taking care of myself, instead of constantly recovering from repeated traumas of mental/emotional abuse and being caught in the middle of family dramas and former friends. I also noticed that when I made a definitive decision to NOT participate with certain types of people, that I seemed to have healthier friend opportunities - sometimes within MINUTES! the Universe is amazing.
My lesson has been to know myself for who I really am, (not what others say I am when I don't play along with their schemes) and then, to clearly recognize my necessary boundaries and then figure out how to establish them and enforce them in non-abusive ways to those who would violate my psyche and space.
That's my story and I'm stickin' to it!!! LOL
