Letting Go, At A Deeper Level, In Order To Move On.After writing my "story" yesterday afternoon, I had a breakthrough during the night (processing at a deeper level). A paradigm shift. What I realised was that I had "let go" of my sisters and other family of origin members (who were not treating me appropriately - all my life - as a result of the dysfunctional family dynamics) at a "Head Level", i.e. cognitively. But somehow was still trapped within the "life sc
Because I hadn't let go at that deeper level, I found that I was often still "frozen", especially when I re-visited the situation by either trying to contact sisters, or even talking about the situation, and the past, to my husband, kids, or close friends. Unable to do the things my head kept telling me I should be doing, to bring about independence (from my dysfunctional family of origin) and be free of the early childhood messages of being responsible for them and their well-being, in every way, including not criticising or thinking badly of them, which obviously I did when I spoke about them and the way they treated me.
I remembered a time when, at the age of 9, I was "responsible" for ensuring my 5 year old sister was on the school bus to come home. Not my older sister, nor my twin, they weren't responsible; just me - I was responsible. One day she wasn't on the bus, and when I got home I was shamed so badly about "not looking after her" that I ran all the way back to school, in a state of sheer panic, crying and trying to find her. When I returned home, there she was, safe and sound having caught the next bus. But I was still shamed for having not been "responsible", for having let her (and parents) down. That's just one example of how I was made responsible (or to feel responsible) for all my siblings, as well as my parents. That "life sc
I have now connected several incidents (from early childhood, some as young as 2 years old) and the punishments that I received as a result of my "misdemeanors" (I won't go into them here, they're very very personal and traumatic) and understand that some of the ways I "punish myself" now are connected to those situations. So now, I'm saying affirmations to acknowledge and let go of the need to treat myself as my parents did. Affirmations, written, spoken, thought and reflected back to me by my wonderful husband.
Will keep you posted. Wish me luck. I'm 63 years old and still getting to know me, the real me, and what I can do for myself to be happy, and free.