I Always Felt I Should Care....im Scared To Discover I Dont Care Anymore.....

I guess this all started when it was time for me to go college. I knew nothing of the world. I had all these dreams about big colleges and full ride scholarships. My oldest sister was the first to attend college in my family. It was big deal and it was equally a big deal when she failed on her first try. My Mother will never admit it but she has serious anger issues and emotional roller coaster mood swings. My Mother married young and against the wishes of her very strict parents, namely my grandmother. That said marriage was doomed from the very beginning my father was only a illusion that would playfully engage with us the living! Then it's the late 60's early 70's and by 1978 my Mother had four children and a worthless husband. It brings me great distress to think about how it might have felt to be warned by your family then shunned after you complete the act of this marriage and then it turns into a ****** up situation with a young Mother and worthless Father and four kids. Then not only having to deal with the difficulty of raising four kids by yourself. Your family is there the same family that warned you about this and you when need help they are the ones who you have to turn to. They are there not only to help but to constantly remind you of your mistakes. Imagine growing up and these are the silent truths. There is nothing worse on earth then being obligated to take bad advice! This made my Mother a hard woman to deal with. That issue was magnified when college came knocking at my door. The same barriers that spoke the silent truths about my family and how my family felt about my Mother and her decision to marry and the repercussions. To make a long story short where I went to college was not my decision to make. My Mother with all her misdirected aggression did to me what her parent unsuccessfully couldnt do to her. She made me take her advice which was in fact bad advice that made my college experience very difficult. All the yelling all the doubt. I didnt feel cared about in a genuine way. My Mother worked long hours all the time and we never saw her. She stop working not a option just ****** up for everyone involved. I cant be mad right my Mom is working hard and in her effort to aggressively ensure that I dont fail on my first try in college i endured levels of hostility that still sits with me today. The whole idea of getting advice from your parents and having genuine doubts about how it might effect your life and then realizing your life was not your own the feeling literally forced to take a path that you would have never want or choose. I mean right to some of common sense type decisions. Anyway it wasnt long before i knew if didnt choose my own path my would be trapped. I tried to discuss this change of direction that would require me to drop out school. Not listening or trying to even advise. That was the day it had happened there were countless other reasons I felt i had to do this. From my Mom finding my fiance's phone number and calling her and cursing her out. Another act that would contribute to my relationships with others falling. short. Being terrified what my Mom might do if dont take some more bad advise or even wearing a certain type of shirt. This a cycle reinforced by other family members by there interactions with each others. So I did it. I turned off my phone changed my number and moved to new apartment and dove head first into my work trying to make this situation i never even asked for to work for me. I would meet people all along the way that wondered why doesnt he go home during break. "He's not cool with his Mother" because my race and the historic presence of black women throughout history plus the reality of black single mothers makes it seem dare i say taboo to question your own single Black mother. I question I just never called and never came around. Now it been years and my life has been difficult to say the least and now im on my feet and working hard and writing and prospering and after the funeral of my Aunt and few years ago i've been on speaking terms with my family at the least. But just today my sister cut off all ties to me. Said she didnt want anything to do with me mainly because I still dont call my Mother. Truthfully ive called maybe 15 times in 9 months at various times to no avail. Now when it begun to mean so much to me to have a phone I pay for and be on the up and up and maybe really getting a position that can actually be useful to my family in good way now of all times my sister cuts me off. I had a really scary thought and it disturbs me. I realized that i didnt care about the conflict as much as I care about other things in my life. things directly tied to my lifes work. It's all I really had ever in life the one thing that had never failed me even at time ive failed it. i realize maybe i just dont care anymore. I will not endure anymore blatant hostility and misdirected anger. The not caring aspect of this makes me feel like all the bad **** that happened over the years all the doubt and hostility i endured from people i just wanted to understand and except me, maybe it turned me evil because these idea and creations my lifes work i indulge are more important to me then the love of my family or the pursuit of such. Is this where its come to now. Was it choice all along. I always care and to realize that I really dont is really disturbing....

dariandune dariandune
26-30, M
Feb 8, 2010