Estranged From Parents For Almost A Decade Now

It's so hard to be estranged from your parents no matter what the circumstances are. Whether its your fault, their fault or both, the hurt is still the same for both parties in my opinion.

At 16, I ran away from home because I was tired of the abuse from my Dad. Little did I know, this would be one of the worst mistakes of my life. At the time I had an older sister 18 years my senior and she took me in for a little while. When I tried to get enrolled in school to finish my senior year, under North Carolina law back then I couldn't do so without my parents' permission. I had a 4.3 GPA and was planning to go to Duke University. I called my parents even though we were not on speaking terms and asked them to sign the papers for me to enroll and my dad said "If you want to run away from home then you will also become a High School drop out". And that's what I became. No school would touch me without their consent and to make a long story short...Duke wasn't accepting applicants with GEDs.

Me and my Dad never had a relationship after that. I ended up receiving my GED and got into a college around the age of 19. I only talked to my Mom at that point but my Mom couldn't have a relationship with me around my Dad. It was no secret that if my Dad was around or was walking in the door my Mom had to get off of the phone with me.

My first year in college my apartment was robbed (while I was in it). I remember calling my Mom and Dad that morning scared senseless. I probably called around 20 times before I got an answer. In the middle of me telling my Mom what was going on I could her my Dad in the background, of course I continued to talk. My Mom cuts me off and said "I have to get your Dad's breakfast ready" and she ended the call. For the next 8 hours I called her but she wouldn't talk. I was beyond pissed and me and my Mom got into a big argument over her treating me like I was a secret around my Dad. She hung up on me. My sister called me and told me that my Mom said "He's my husband and he's (referring to me) my son. Why would he think I would choose my son over my own husband?" I never spoke to my Mom again. She's never reached out to me and I have never reached out to her since then.

Sometimes it's unbearable. Oddly enough I really do love my Mom and I miss her dearly every single day of my life. She wasn't a bad mother growing up. She wasn't on drugs, abusive, none of those things, but she was weak in respect to my father. It's been almost a decade since I've seen her and I still wake up out of my sleep crying because I miss her so much. The pain hasn't left, but it's ok. If anyone wants a son please let me know because I desperately need parents.
cleecaldwell cleecaldwell
3 Responses May 4, 2012

I'll be your mom!! I mean it...

Sometimes parents have old fashioned or old school beliefs, that sounds like your Mom has, with that statement about choosing son over husband. And maybe that is a pressure that your Dad has on your Mom about a son, not to choose you their son, over him. At any rate, it is old school, that belief, but it is hard if not impossible to change anyone's beliefs.

At this point tho, I encourage you, to go back to see your Mom. I am sure her heart must bleed not seeing you, and your Dad's too, altho he may never show it or say it. Some men can't express feelings and are kind of stuck in being able to at all, ever. It may be due to his own upbringing. But listen, your life, will always have sadness until you go back to see them. And altho you may have a lot of feelings, upon seeing them, and some which can fast turn into anger, just be honest with them, or at least with your Mom, and don't leave in anger, stay and feel it all and just be with your Mom and start to heal it. You need her love. You need your Dad's love too, I am sure. I hope you get it. Your parents may be mad you've been gone, so expect that. Once the anger is out if they display any, it will pass and they will be glad you are back. Yes, some women are weak in respect to their husbands, some were raised that way, and have never known any other way to be or think. It is sad. I hope that over time, you can come to some forgiveness of her, for being weak in respect to your Dad, and hope you can find forgiveness of him too, for being the guy who kind of ruled your Mom and everything. It's old fashioned but there used to be a lot of it. Sometimes parents just don't know how to handle teen years, and mistakes are made. I know your heart will heal, in daring to go back tho. Go see your Mom, I'm sure it has to be devastating, to a Mom to not know where her son is. Love is what allows us to forgive, and you do have love. I hope you receive love too.

Stay strong... things will eventually work out. Don't blame yourself for dropping out of did what was best for you at the time, and had you gone to Duke, you might have ended up with a bunch of heavy student loans by now. That your parents refused to support your education choices is quite sad...but you ultimately survived and are leading a good productive life, and one day they will understand. Being weak hurts...and you are not weak, you survived a very difficult situation and moved on. Have faith in G-d and yourself.