Not Repeating Mistakes

First married in 1993, problems started almost immediately. My mother wanted the wedding at her church. Then daughter was born in 1995, my mother proclaimed herself worlds greatest grandmother. However, she never offered to babysit unless there was some event that would get her attention. My in-laws would happily babysit just to do it and this only made my mother resentful.

She would demand that we invite her over for dinners and then when they weren't formal enough we would get the silent treatment or the lecture. Of course, the conversation was always about her. She told me that she volunteered at church for the recognition. Birthday gifts for my daughter were never practical or usable but we would be guilted if we didn't show enough appreciation. We had several stops to make at Christmas each year and would always get the disapproval if we didn't meet her expectations. Once told me she was going to rewrite her will if I didn't visit more. Another time late at Thanksgiving, she calls in a drunken stupor telling wife that she was not going to be ignored and left out.

That marriage ended and can't blame my mother but can't absolve her completely either. She runs into people I work with and has a meltdown because my marriage was over, but they knew I was happier than ever.

A year and a half later and I meet "her", the perfect partner and we are married in 2008 and the behaviors start all over again. My wife and her mom extremely close and that only makes my mom resentful.

First child born and no offers to help. Wife tells her she is always welcome and doesn't need a formal invite. That was met with silence. More ridiculous clothes and then the complaints we don't appreciate her. My eldest, who I raised and still do is now a teen and starts telling me stuff about when they were alone. Asking her which grandmother she loved more etc.

Anyway in 2010, my mother starts planning her Christmas which involves my kids and my sisters kids without asking anyone if its okay. My wife is starting to get resentful and my limit has been hit. I am not going to allow her to rain havoc on this marriage. I'm done. My oldest is free is have any relationship she wants with them but my small ones will not go thru the same emotional manipulation to fulfill her unfulfillable need for attention.

My sister is morphing into her judgmental ways and my father is just stuck. For my own sanity, the security of my marriage and the protection of my kids, I divorced myself from them. My father is now ill and feeling his mortality, though he will be okay in the near term, but he has reached out, but I just can't. Nothing will change and I fear that reaching back to him will only compound his pain. This was the toughest thing I have ever done, but I have been so much happier since I did it. I know growing up all my mother did was ***** and complain about her horrible childhood. No more!
SamHouston99 SamHouston99
46-50, M
1 Response Dec 16, 2012

I can relate to this on many levels. I too have been much better off and happier after placing distance between myself any my immediate family.