At a Loss

Around Christmas it all fell apart...again.  I am now 33 years old and have decided to completely cut my parents out of my life.  The stress of trying to live the life they want me to live and living my own life had finally come to head.  I am tired of hurting as a result of that night but absolutely can not and will not deal with the constant abuse from my father.  My mother lives by my fathers regulations and my sisters follow closely behind!  I feel like the Black Sheep when we are all together...I am a successful 30 something that any parent would be proud of.  I have a kind disposition, am very attractive and am in a happy, healthy relationship.  My close peers tell me that is the very reason my father is so disillusioned.  I come from a very prominent, southern family.  I have based my career on referral business and people trust me due to my last name and who I represent.  It has worked out well until now.  I thought we had learned to live with each others differences...but I was sadly mistaken.

Why cant I have my family involved in my life without some sort of uproar?  Why does my father carry so much weight when it comes to my Mother and my sisters?  Why does it have to be so difficult to communicate with my father?

These are just a FEW questions that cross my mind on a daily basis.

4 Responses Mar 17, 2009

I too am a proud blacksheep! I have a very different marriage and family life then how i was raised and am constantly judged and criticized for it. I have even been outcasted from the family for standing up for myself. But so be it! I refuse to allow the outbreaks of poor behavior in my home and because of it am placed at the bottom of the family totem pole. But i would rather be there then to be like them. So hold your head up high and do what is right or you. My family is unwilling to change and are happy living in chaos and disfunction but i had to become true to myself and be proud of who i was without them. My own identity. Doesnt mean it doesnt hurt but at least i have my dignity of not partcipating in the disfuction anymore. Good luck to you. Take care!

Dear JROBER7, Your experience sounds so similar to mine. I have not had contact with my parents for a year and a half because I feel I can no longer manage their behaviour. My father can be lovely but he can also, very unpredictably, be cold and cruel. It is the uncertainty of his behaviour, and the way he makes me feel so second class, that I just can't cope with anymore. My sister is so weak that she tows the family line, whatever that may be, and while my mother will agree that he is a total git, as soon as she has spent 5 mins with him after the event, he has re-written it in her mind and she stands by him because it is the path of least resistance. They are utterly self-absorbed, and still think I am 8 years old and expect me to behave accordingly. It is a very sad situation, and one that is incredibly hard to live with, but I feel there is no other course of action left to me, as they would be absolutely deaf to me trying to reason with them. I just wish I could get the constant questions and re-living the situations out of my head.

I can see your view on this , my own father from whom I am estranged, also has an unbelievable amount of influence as to how my mother behaves.... if she is happy,sad, it all mirrors his emotions at the time.

being the black sheep can be good and bad; on one hand you don't want to be like them anyways so it's a bit of a blessing but on the other you feel unacknowledged and alone.<br />
i'm glad you shared- thank you!