I Am On My Way

I'm not sure how it happened.

But I know I was young, I may have been a teen, but maybe not. Friends, playmates that leaned on me for support.

I wasn't very big either. But...I was there for the tears, and the temper tantrums. Somehow I got used to being the one who was there to pick up the pieces.

I'm not even sure why I did it. Over time it was just easier to do it. I could, for whatever reason they were emotion wrecks.

Somewhere in all this it just became the accepted thing to do. Dump the emotional garbage in my lap, let me sort through it, and then take the repaired heart and psyche and go your merry way.

But there was a reverse to this. I was not allowed to fall to pieces; no, not acceptable at all. I watched a grown man panic when I puddled up once.

It became easier to bury my emotional baggage. Slowly I trained myself to not show pain, or grief. Anger was ok...I could pretty much direct and control that. But anything remotely approaching hurt. No, people amazingly disappeared.

I lost my Grams, and I was there for everyone, literally. Other relatives passed, it was me who was the anchor.

My Uncle died, and as much as I wanted to just crawl away and cry, others needed me to be the support.

My cousin has cancer, insidious disease. It goes away, or starts to, and then is back with a vengance. I am there for him, and his wife. But this may as well be my big brother. The one who always knew what it took out of me. He knows what I feel.

But there is no one else I can lean on.

My other Uncle, has a form of dementia, this larger than life man. He is in a locked unit now. I know it is the best and safest place for him right now. I know he will not come home again. But it tears my heart to shreds to see him. He knows me, but I'm still a little girl, his little pixie, meeting him at the ship or seeing him off. So I walk the halls with him, as he checks the spaces, preparing to get underway. And then I quietly fall apart when I'm home. Quietly, there is no one how I can lean on.

I had someone. He always knew the price this cost me. He was always there for me to lean on, with out saying a word.

But then he was taken, and that pain is greater than anything I have ever borne.  But again, there are others who also grieve his loss and turn to me.

I write it all out here, often. I haven't been able to let any of it go. Perhaps I can't. Perhaps this is the one thing I will always carry, that no one can share.

But...I know that there will be a day, just like earlier this week, that someone will call, because they need an ear, and they need me to come up and sit with them. And they need help finding the pieces...And I will just say "I'm on my way, see you soon." Hang up my phone and go.

Tzech Tzech
46-50, F
1 Response Feb 13, 2010

Messege me hopefully I could try to be a crying shoulder...