Who Would Of Thought This Would Come To This?

  I don't know how old you are reading this, but, this is something I never considered when I was younger.  At the present time in my life,  I'm having to deal with how to take care of my elderly parents.   No way, in the past did I ever realize,  nor consider,  how difficult it is to go through all the hoops of government and health care bueracracy as it exists today.  I share the responsibility of caring for my folks with my brother and sister.  The kicker is, that we all live in states other then where they are located.  It's hard enough when you live in the same town or state as your folks,, but try it living a thousand miles away!   My mother was diagnosed about 6 years ago with dementia/alzheimers.  My father, who still doesn't  understand the disease, said, "oh it's only that she's getting old"  Besides his denial of her condition, he recently fell down a flight of stairs in their home and has now been 3 months in a rehabilitation facility.  We have been sharing the responsibility of going to see them intermittingly, but it is now getting where we have to apply for medicaid.  If you are not familiar with medicaid,  I encourage you to learn about it.   All of a sudden you find their money is gone and you question;  how do we pay for their well being?   I'm not saying I wouldn't take them in my own home, but they do not want to leave where they've been for the past 60 years together.    My plea to anyone who has parents getting up there in age, is to start doing your homework on how you are going to take care of them;    Emotionally,  physically, and spiritually.  It's something I wanted to write about due to the importance of it NOW!   Don't get caught off guard like we did!   Begin learning now how to care for your elderly folks when the time comes.

Ambivilent Ambivilent
56-60, M
17 Responses Mar 10, 2010

Selfless love ...........the real kind!.............marc

My mum is in a similsr facility here in nelson Nz. Her mind is on its way out and i dont feel i can help her now, for she is a different person. All power of attourney is out of my hands and Ive gotta keep clean and sober.

I relate completely! What did we do to deserve this? WTF? Anyway, I mailed ya...........

mY MUM IS IN A RETIREMENT HOME HERE In Nz. my sister has become the Power of attourney so all the decision making she has done in her own stupid beligerent manner without seeking any discussion or agreement from ME. WHICH SHES SUPPOSED TO DO. But she is a dry drunk and to anyone knowing what alcoholics that dont drink or address there condition by going to a 12step group ARE LIKE, yoU WILL UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE IS LIKE to have to deal with. So mums in a retirement place sHE HATES BEING IN, while my sisyer is in ENGLAND FOR 6 months having the time of her life with free rent in Nz and her kids paying the mortgage on her own house. With mums chEQUE BOOK IN Her back pocket!

I can imagine your persception of it. It really sucks to be perfectly honest. You live seeing them decline and not enjoying life. It has put my life psychologically on "hold" That's the reason for my avatar name. I spelled it incorrectley with an (i) purposely to have it designate myself. Yep, I'm nuts. But ya gotta do what ya gotta do....and Give BACK!

This is all very interesting to me, since I will never experience it in this life. My mother died instantly at home when I was 13 and I just laid my father to rest a few years ago after a long run of cancer and other problems that lead to many, many strokes and loss of his ability to distinguish his life from what he saw on TV. But I was broke and had no way to help him, it was all left up to his sisters, and we were mostly shut out except for hospital visits. I'm now 27, just starting my life, and my parents are long gone, so this topic is just facinating to me

That is very, very, nice of you! I appreciate it! Things so far are doing O.K. but, I feel my life is on "pause" Oh well? Thanx again...Peace!

Seven years ago, we had to take care of my dad, dying from kidney cancer. He was feeling so miserable. I know how it feels to have to do this. If you need a friend, you can message me. <br />
I was newly married and moving into a house we had just purchased, my older sister was living here in the area too, and my younger sister was out of state serving in the Air Force on duty. It was so emotionally and physically hard. If you have access to social workers, they can walk you through the steps you have to take to care for your loved ones. Dont be afraid to join support groups such as church led "celebrate recovery" or any other groups to get support as much as you can. Dealing with your loss is important now, even thou you think you may be too busy. Take care of yourself too. YOU NEED TO TAKE TIME OUT for you. Dont neglect your needs.<br />
Please let me know if you need a friend. I understand.

Garv, <br />
YOU are an inspriation to us ALL! I do not care about the "Karma" or the "oh isn't that sweet" bullshit! it's hard Work and basically just a good ole' fashion SELFLESS LOVING ACT! You're to be commended and I'm proud to call you a REAL HUMAN who understands. Giving is everything! Cheers to ya! Marc

My friend this is the situation I find myself in however I have extended their existing home,as I have been unlucky in love I am single therefore the best option all round was for me to sell up and move into the the extended home of my parents.They both have heart problems and need constant monitoring,it is not a chore,I love and respect my parents therefore I am only too happy now they need me I can go some way to repaying some of the love they gave to me.

Ye speak the truth and I endorse your advice. Everywhere I 'go' I meet people going through this with one or both parents right now (as I am too). I think it also involves historically significant, economically impactive and culturally influential population numbers since it is in direct correlation to the population numbers of the Baby Boom which had a profound affect in change on America.<br />
Hang in there Baby! As my Dad used to always say: This too shall pass.

I know exactly how you feel and you have expressed in such loving and selfless fashion.<br />
I lost both my parents, my father's brother and his wife and my own wife's mother and aunt...al within three years.<br />
I was the youngest of three. But both my brothers live abroad, and weren't interested - even to visit from Spain to England.<br />
Although I was brought up in Scotland, after my father died, from cancer and my mum was suffering from dimentia (amongst other things), I decided to bring heer down to England to a care home close to me.<br />
That s plit an already poor relationship between my errant brothers and myself, over money!<br />
I spent thousands of my mother's money - and my own savings, on making sure that my mother was well looked after until her death, five years later Boxing Day 2007.<br />
My brothers never even attended the funeral, which I had to arrange and pay for.<br />
Meanwhile, my moher-in-law was icare, 300 miles away and we had to look after her needs,<br />
She too had dimentia, and passed away peacefully two months ago.<br />
Again, we had to sell her house to pay for nursing home fees ( £4,000 PER MONTH! in the UK)<br />
But again, it was worth it, to see her treated in a dignified manner, until her death.<br />
I won't bore you with the other events (four deaths in the last year).<br />
We are only now beginning to come to terms with it all, and have booked a sunshine holiday (our first in nearly three years.<br />
You are right though, with all the legalities involved, it wears you out, both mentally and physically.<br />
But death is something that taboo to talk about with that generation.<br />
And I suppose we kidded ourselves on that they would 'always be there'!<br />
Have strength and peace in the knowledge that you did everything you possibly could for your parents.<br />
Someone told me after my Dad died: " You never get over it...you do, however, get used to it".<br />
That has helped me a lot and I hope it will do the same for you.<br />
Keep in contact,<br />
Kevin<br />
coylekevin103@gmail.com<br />
Good luck!

Well, I guess it's all relative in a way. And I mean that without the pun. Sometimes I feel I wish my mom would be granted her wish; and that is die. Sounds brutal, but when you see your mom suffering at that level, it almost makes you wish it would come true. I love my mom sooo much that whatever she wishes I feel she should have. It's a frustrating mess, but I'm dealing with it, so be it.

Thank you SS. You're the best! Yes, for everyone out there on EP, Seriously Sappy is the first person I was fortunate enough to associate with on this forum, and I'm honored to have her as a friend! Thanx, again SS

I do understand how difficult this is and I wish you all the best. In addition to everything you listed, it's an extremely stressful situation. The financial end was not as difficult for me because older siblings took charge of many of those issues. I was the one who spent nights in the hospital with my dad ... when he had no idea who I was .... fought with the hospital about providing adequate care and then had to find a suitable nursing home. He died 5 years ago but now the process has begun again with my mother. I do live in the same town while several of my siblings do not so I have the hands on duties here. I get the call when my mother decides she wants to go to the ER on Saturday night. Sorry, I've gotten off track .... <br />
<br />
Anyway ... you've given excellent advice. I hope people pay attention to it. One thing I learned was to take advantage of any services for the elderly provided by the state of residence. In my situation my greatest support came from the local Area Agency on Aging and the State Association for Elder Care. Good Luck to you. Feel free to message me if I can be of any help.

Thanks for sharing. Best wishes to you.

Thank you God bless