Feel Ashamed Of This......

Ever since I lost all my friends just over a year ago, I have been extremely lonely. Allow me to have a rant but I am sick of the usual platitudes of which "join a club" seems to be a frequent one. I know people mean well but until they have been in my position you can see that this doesn't always work especially if there isn't much going on in your area and you don't drive which is the case for me.
Of a weekend, I spend time with my mentally ill sister which can be extremely draining and difficult. Because I dont drive and she doesn't have a job, I end up financing lunches out etc and can't really afford to pay for two of us. As horrible as it sounds, I also need someone away from the situation who I can spend time with now and then.
I guess it has just really got to me in recent months. Trying to handle a mentally ill sister and a stressful job working with kids and having no family support is HARD. Really hard. I recently confided in a co worker and she was very sweet and supportive but I do worry that her husband will warn her not to get too involved with it all and so she will back off. I don't like that I am solely relying on her for support but I have no-one else. In many ways she has become like family to me.
Loneliness is painful especially on a Friday and Saturday night when I know others my age are either partying or snuggled up with a partner somewhere. I worry what I did so wrong that I ended up here? I am a good person, kind, thoughtful, sensitive but perhaps dull? Maybe thats where the problem lies.
This lonelines is slowly killing me on the inside. I can be fine throughout the day and then I come home in the evening and it's just me in my room and no-one else and that hurts. It makes me do stupid things like agonize over whether my co worker will ever hug me or chat to me again, or if people sense I am a loser and lonely. It's just doing my head in. I can't help but feel bitter and resentful. I know this may result in some nasty comments but I had to get that all out.
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1 Response May 18, 2012

Nasty comments? I shouldn't think anyone can find a reason to be nasty. You are a sad and lonely person who is doing your best for an ill sister. I AM wondering why you lost all of your friends. Did you move away? What happened? I have experienced sadness and fear and all kinds of emotions, but I have never been lonely or bored, so I am unable to tell you how I would handle either of those problems. I feel sad for you. Being in such a sad place must be very difficult, and I imagine it can only get worse over time. <br />
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I hope you will find a solution to this situation you find yourself in.