Coming to Terms With Bankruptcy

I just wish there was some checklist for justifying Bankruptcy.  The closest thing I could find was if you cannot repay your debts in 5 years.  I don't have a divorce to blame it on, or illness, or a failed business.  I don't have a good excuse, I just want out.  I just want to stop the worrying about impending doom, inevitable misfortune. I want my husband to stop worrying and complaining about the price of a cheeseburger.  All of my wanting to change him creates more problems.  He complains and I spend money on some quacky investment idea. 

Well our story isn't very sad. Maybe I am just lazy. But that isn't nice of me to say that about myself.  We don't have doctors bills or anything, just a series of events and a look into the future that I don't like. I want to change my destiny.  I see my parents 10 years from retirement and still 200k in debt.  I don't want to be like them. They have all the fancy stuff but it's a sham.  My dad is a shopaholic and my mom is starting a second career so that he can continue to shop and maybe ...maybe save some for retirement.  They keep saying that they are enjoying their retirement now.  But the truth is they don't have a retirement...just debts.  The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.  I have a nice home, full of nice things, I have 3 little kids and $275k in debts, including the house. 10 years ago we bought the house low at only $117k. I sure wish I could go back to that day and start over. But even then I already had $20k in student loans and my husband lost his job before we ever paid our first payment.  But we refused to leave this house. We stuck it out.  Lived on credit cards.  After September 11th I threw all sense and sensibility out the window and decided to have a baby.  I was afraid my husband would have to leave to the war and I'd be childless.  So three kids later we are still pretty happy here despite our mounting debts.  After all, we still have about $20k in available credit that we could use.  That would carry us another year or two and we are simple folks, pizza delivery a couple times a month is all we really need.  Without major disaster we could stretch that last $20k into maybe 3 or 4 more years.  Baby girl would be in kindergarten by then and I could work full time.  Since we have cancelled television, cell phone service and no more movie rentals we could probably afford another minimum payment.  We even rented this house for a couple of years and lived with my parents. Oh how I wish we would have sold a few years ago when we could have walked away.  We could eat less.  I tried a business venture, invested 10k.  The business was going ok until I got pregnant again.  My sweet husband wanted another baby, a little girl, and we got her.  So now here we are...still up to our noses in debt.  I just want a simple life.  I just want to give away everything we have and live on what we earn now.  No more get rich quick schemes, I won't do that anymore.  We earn a decent living and we could rent a place for less than our interest only adjustable mortgage.  Since we wrapped up everything into our mortgage we can't get out of the debt without leaving the house.  That is sad but I am trying not to think about that.  I feel guilty that I don't just get a job.  But I figure after childcare, gas, and takeout, it would still take us 10 years to pay off our debts.  If we could make it that long in misery without ever seeing a movie at the theater again or never going on vacation.  I think we'd get divorced and I don't want to sacrifice my marriage.  My oldest would be ready for college about then and I could have him repeat this cycle himself.  But I don't want that.  We have been irresponsible I suppose.  Just uneducated.  We aren't delinquent on any bills yet.  I've called Hope for Homeowners and a Bankruptcy attorney.  I have appointments for both next week.  It will be my second appointment with the bankruptcy attorney.  I have explored forclosure, deed in lieu of forclosure, debt settlement, no more consolidation for me...I tried that a few times already.  I just want to go into this unafraid.  To give my husband some peace and my kids too.  Now I'm afraid of a whole new set of fears...a new school district, a clunker car, years without credit.  I am ready for the challenge.  I don't want credit anymore.  I want a friendly landlord and a balance in my savings account. 

I have surrendered my sins for stuff to God.  I think this is what He wants me to do.  I will surrender all of my credit to Him and promise to never use credit again.  What I can hope for now is that my credit is truely ruined and I won't be tempted to do this again.