I Am Failing.

I am failing at everything. I used to be beautiful, talented, sought-after. I settled quickly with a man. He said he loved me. Maybe he did, butI don't think so now. And I don't love him. He tells me I'm ugly. He treats me like a servent. He won't have sex with me. I fail to entice him.

It all happened after I had my son. A long, miserable pregnancy with a traumatic birth that nearly ended in a dead baby- but not quite. My son is four months old and healthy. I breastfeed him, I read to him, I sing to him, an still he cries and cries. I'm failing with him.

I weigh 112 pounds, I am not fat. My house is very clean- but not spotless. I'm failing. I used to turn heads when I walked down the street, now I get told, "Stop spending money on expensive clothes, it doesn't help.". People listened to me sing in awe, they offered me money to sing for them. I turned them down for this man, who says, "shut up, I can't hear my game".  

No matter how hard I work, no one thanks me. No one says, "you're beautiful" anymore. The light never shines on me anymore, no one is spell bound by music now. My carefully cleaned surfaces are defaced within minutes. My lovingly prepared food is devored without thanks. I don't know how i failed.

I am a ***** who produces good pups. I am a milk cow. I am a servent. I failed. I want to be a wife and a lover, a good, strong mother.I want someone else to wipe it up. Where did I fail? I can't name the date. I don't know the place. I feel like a changling, cast out,  stolen and unwanted.

Alwaysalady Alwaysalady
Mar 19, 2009