In the beginning it was so easy, you get to know what they look for and hide it as best you possibly can. As time drags on the smile seems a little less brighter, the cheer a little less real. You try to keep up with life but you don't ever really want to. You get up in the morning because it is what the mask demands of you, you have no desire or say in the matter. You do your work because otherwise the questions are too many and to hard to answer. As time goes on, all that is underneath the mask seems to shatter and dissolve into pieces without you even understanding that that is what is really happening. You've tried! God knows you've spent almost 3 years of your life trying to be what is asked of you, but you're tired, your arm is heavy and the mask is slowly slipping revealing to you, before anyone else the destruction that will soon be seen by all. It's terrifying but a relief at the same time. Now all will see what you went through to keep the mask in place and that you did a job well done.

If this one were 'normal' you'd have a reason, you'd still want to live, but it isn't, you don't and you don't want to. What you do want to do is stop holding up the mask, you want to let it finally fall to the floor and finally be able to fall to pieces. You'll finally be able to fall to pieces, but just do so as quietly and as neatly as you can. You've hurt enough already even with the mask in place, who knows if they'll be able to hold it together when you're all gone. The real you has become the mask, you are this facade, when you've tried to explain you're met with incomprehension and blame. It's nobodies fault, not even yours, there are no reasons it just is. And what is, what was is now is almost gone, finally, thank goodness, now you can fall to pieces.

I'm finally ready to fall to pieces in the eyes of the world. I need to so i can get help, i will be judged, i will be talked about but it has to happen.

Cici88 Cici88
22-25, F
11 Responses Oct 21, 2009

Every single word agrees with the thoughts in my head. Thank you for having the courage to say it.

Hi Cici88<br />
<br />
I read your story and your comments and my friends are StarliteRose (she is a strong will lady) and lookinforfunnow ( a sweet girl). I am surprise to see they had made comments here.<br />
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We all have a mask inside of us, for better or for worst. It is my decision to put on or off the mask. I should be happy about I have this ability to make such decision. This is my freedom no one can take away from me. I love myself, not because of what they say or do about me, though they may help. I know myself worth, I don't need them to validate me. I love them. They may wrong me. But I know love and happiness is a decision. I don't care so much about what they will do to me. I enjoy the process of making such decision. So I am happy. I love the way I am. I don't know you much by just reading some of your stories. But, from the few things I know about you, I just love the way you are, either you are with your mask or without the mask. Not about what you do or what you think. I love you just the way you are. Personally, I prefer without wearing a mask, there is a true beauty in seeing the truth. But I love the things they are because love is a choice and happiness is a choice. <br />
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add you to my circle, see you around, read my stories if you like. Take care.


*hugs place*<br />
<br />
oh gosh nightflayme! i just don't have words for how loved you make me feel! I have used your shoulder, i have unloaded some of the crazy, but i could never scream and yell at such a wonderful friend! you are truly one of a kind, and i'm grateful to have been one of the people that have gotten to know just a little about you :) i am seriously looking for help now, and hopefully one day i will be like brand new and we can go on our shopping sprees with girly drinks, and hunting for ninjas :D *i love you honey*

you know that i care about you, and i know what it is like to be falling apart. it really does get harder as you go along, but it will also eventually get easier as you talk about it and find some answers. if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, you know that you have mine. if you ever need someone to yell and scream at, you know i'm here. and if ever you feel like you just can't take anymore, i will be there to comfort you. just know that i care.<br />
you're my favorite person in the world, and it hurts me to see you hurting like this, but if you need to do it to get better, then i will be here to support you.

i know exactly how u feel :) someones u have to let the mask fall, becouse if u dont u will slowly start to decay within it.

i doubt it .. the mask is what everyone likes .... it's the mask that keeps them from all the crazy ... i do care what people say about me... otherwise is there any point to living ? if it's not them it's just you and life ... i need people around me, people that make me feel like i'm worth the cells i'm made of. i have nothing in my past that haunts me, and that's half of my problems ... i have no reason to feel like i'm falling apart, i just am... i wonder sometimes if i'm doing this all for attention ... i guess the answer is yes. I want something in life other than veing just me. i don't know if this will make any sense, im kinda drunk sooo yeah thanks for the comment though! it's always nice to know that people care :)

star : thank you honey! i appreciate you and your comment but there really isn't anything to talk about. It is what it is. i did try for the first time ever to ask for help in the real world with professionals (a suicide help line) LOL they don't deserve that name, they were closed for the night and told me to e-mail them. the was at 4am, they didn't say a word the entire day. you can only call them between 9 pm and 1 am. do i feel like i'm important to anyone? nope. I've told so many people about my problems but no one cares, their advice : think positive and don't think about it ... as if that would work. *hugs*<br />
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empty : thank you :) *hugs*<br />
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theredlady : lol i expect people to talk about me, it's not everyday that someone that hides it so well falls to pieces. people just don't understand what it takes to get where i am, i suppose on EP there are some that do. thank you :) *hugs*

Wow Cici. I know exactly how you feel. ((hugs )) I will talk to you, but not about you....anytime. :)


Cici, I can relate so much to what you have written--every single word of it. Now is the time for you to do what is best for yourself, no matter what anybody has to say about it. If you need help, then you have the right to get it. It may feel like falling to pieces at first, but the end result is a stronger you... because it is the real you. As always, if you need to talk you can message me whenever darling. *BIG HUGS*