Lost, Alone, And Fed-up

I have suffered from depression for most of my life, which is far from being pleasant, but I learned to live with it until February 2012. I had a "cutting" problem since I was 13, but that day in February was the first time it sent me to the hospital. Luckily, it was not on my wrist. It took 6 staples to put me back together. I suppose I should start form the very beginning.

My life is not any different from anyone else, the one thing that makes our lives different, is the way we handle it. When I was two or three years old, my mom and dad got a divorce. I don't remember anything about it and how life was with the two of them together. After a while my mom met my stepdad, and he was the only father I really knew. I knew he wasn't my "real dad," but I rarely saw my "real dad." It was hard because I knew who he was and how I was supposed to feel about him, but I couldn't help but feel like I was with a stranger when I did see him, which was not often, maybe once or twice a year. When I got older, I better understood the situation, but I still had the same feelings as I did when I was a child.

I suppose I had the same feelings that all children have when their parents get a divorce. I wondered what I did wrong. I wanted to know why he didn't love me. Not to mention, they both had drinking problems, which also made me wonder if I was really that bad. "Do they really have to be drunk to stand being around me?" It was so hard dealing with all these feelings and emotions running through my head, and not having anyone to talk to about it, was the hardest. I was alone in m head with all of my unspoken pain. To this day, I have a hard time talking about my feelings. I know that most people have this problem, but I suppose I have convinced myself that it's not real unless spoken aloud.

At thirteen, I found that cutting myself, while dangerous, made me feel again. It made me deal with the pain and feel something. I haven't much of anything up until that point. I knew the dangers, but I didn't care, it made me feel something again.
Most people think "cutters" cut in attempt to commit suicide, but in most cases it is in attempt to feel something that they can control. Most of the time they will tell you that it doesn't hurt unless they want it to. Emotional pain is difficult to live with; it is a type of pain that is impossible to run from. This pain has plagued me for as long as I can remember.

At the age of sixteen, I had my heart broken by my first love, but I was lucky enough to get him back in my life four years later, which was almost two years ago now. Unfortunately, it was not the way I wanted. In fact, we have been through more than I ever imagined possible. So many ups and downs have nearly driven me insane, but I am willing to put myself through that to have him in my life. Although, that is not what has me lost at the moment.
A few months ago, after I had to get staples, I started to see a shrink. I was put on antidepressants, and they have been working for the most parts. I still have moments where I get depressed, but it is not as often. The only problem with that is it becomes overwhelming. Almost like everything inside of me tries to fight through, and when it comes to the surface, it's like a wave of emotion rolling over me constantly.

I'm not sure how much more of this I can take, but I am not able to tell anybody about it because I have to be the strong one. I have to work, go to school, and be the shoulder others around me need. I need to know how to cope and what to do. I'm lost, alone, and fed-up with life.

People say that life has a lot to offer, but all I have seen is pain, loneliness, and loss.
SammiTay SammiTay
18-21, F
Oct 16, 2012