I Keep Avoiding EverythingMy head.... has been a mess lately. I've been trying so hard to avoid to clear obvious bull **** right in front of my face. I can't handle everything on my own. The more I try to distance myself from people, the more I just end up hurting myself. I don't want to need people. I'm already clingy and needy enough.
I recently found someone here. Someone I care for, and get to call mine. He means a lot to me, but I know I'm pushing him away. I don't to lose him, but everytime I try to let myself be closer to him, it's like I hit a roadblock, and I'm stuck. And scared. I want this relationship to have a chance. I don't want to lose him before I've even met him. He'd never know how much I care for him either... I don't show it. At night when we don't speak it's hard to sleep, half the time because I've said something stupid. I've never wanted someone so much, yet.... I see myself doing so much to push him away. It's like I'm watching from the sidelines, I go off, and within ten minutes... I don't remember what I've said.
And my mom's house.....that is something else that is slowly killing me... I ******* hate it. I thought I was going to have it sold and then the company I'd be speaking to, bailed two weeks before it would be closed. It's a shithole. I hate that place, all I have in it are ****** memories. The rare few I remember bring me to tears because I'll never have those memories with my mother ever again because she chose to die instead of fighting for her life. She just gave up. I'm not even angry with her anymore, it just hurts. I fought so hard for her growing up. I wanted a mom, not a drunk. but it's like she never wanted to fight for herself, i got older, put my foot down, saying get sober or you won't be speaking to me ever again (after she'd done some rehab) and within two months she'd drank herself into the full blown cirrhosis. I didn't live with her, but I saw her falling apart everytime I went to see her, seeing the pain, and pretty much knowing she wanted to die. But she would never tell me so I continued trying to get her a life back, but in the end it didn't matter. She didn't love herself or me enough to try to live. That house is just a reminder of what I don't have and what I lost two years ago.
Every night now I've been popping three or four sleeping pills, and that's not normal for me, normally one or two, typically one knocks me out. But I've had to take more, I'd go past the four, but I'm afraid. But I can't sleep half the time at night anymore, my thoughts keep me up. So in come the pills, and how much I'm using them.... I don't like it. I need sleep but at the same time I know part of the use is to avoid what's going on in my head. I feel helpless anymore. . . and one thing I hate to even admit, but I don't want to hide, the last month or so I've just wanted to get wasted or high, just to feel out of this world, forget everything and feel nothing. But there is a reason I haven't done either in years and that's what is keeping me from doing anything, and the little one I babysit, she is a big help. She doesn't even realize it, but she's kept me from doing stupid ****. Not my kid, but I love her to pieces, and I don't want her ever seeing me drunk or high or dead. She's a good kid and I refuse to be my mother.
Which brings me to something else, minus the alcohol abuse, I still see so much of her in me. And I don't like it. I have some of her good characteristics, but I see the depressed, giving up side of her in me and I want to fight for myself, I want to be healthy and it's so hard. Hell, I was doing amazing with my diet and my exercise routine and within the last two weeks, the exercise has been barely there and I've cheated on my diet more than once. I haven't gained weight, but I have only lost like a pound. I've hit a road block and I don't want to go back to my old ways, I refuse to, but I just feel stuck, and I can't completely express half of this to my friends, they are already here for me so much, and i know I'm not an easy person to love and care for. I'm difficult and I don't want them to view me as a burden.
I just don't know what to do. :(