Dont Know Why I Still Love Him

I only know him on the Internet, and i am aware the danger that lays when you love someone you never actually have met, or probably never will.

I was not looking for love when i came the cyber world, but love has found me .

I know we are different, I am Muslim he is not, I am middle Eastern , he is westerner .

but i don't see those barriers when i talk with him.

when we first talked , i felt this familiarity, like i knew him before, but i thought that perhaps because we are in the same age, only 11 days older. but that was not it

before even i got to see how he looks like, we had sort of a connection, like when i was waiting for him to talk, i didn't know why i did, i never waited for anyone til he logs in , and he would ask me if i had been waiting for him, and always surprise me with the way how he read my mind and see my depths without having to see me .

it was only words we can type about what cross our minds who went on the same track ,and what our hearts felt for each other, at least back then.

i kept telling and still, that he is not ever going to be mine. so i should get these thoughts out of my mind before i get hurt. but he would proceed me and say all the things i wanted to say to him.

in my entire life , i have never felt as complete as i am with him. even when its only online.

every cell in my body tells me that we should be together.when my logic says this is not going to happen due to our differences.

during the 7 years since we met , he hurt me so, said things that hurt me down to my soul , been with other women god knows how many.

he gave me all the reasons to hate his guts .

but my stupid heart still long for him , and want him even more.

i wish i could rip off my heart and throw it away to stop this pain that wont seem to end

every night when i pray that i can let him go, i end up dreaming of him and waking up the next day yearning for him even more.

i am avoiding talking to him now, but i still miss him , i did avoid talking to him for months, and what i feel for him hadn't change , only more.

it burns my soul when i think that he has been with other women ,thinking that i was never real as they were to him. letting jealousy burning up my heart that i can never be with him or at least being able to see him , hear his voice or feel his touch. letting him see the real me as he saw my depths.

it cuts me when i think that may not gonna happen,but my only consolation is that i rely on god and leave this to him since i have power over nothing, if i am not meant to be with him, i hope i will stop loving him , so i wont suffer for the rest of my life knowing we are not going to be. or even look into  each other's eyes and let him see how much i have waited for this and what my heart and soul hold for him. hoping he hold in his heart the same .

so, maybe we are not going to be because we wont be happy, even when my heart says otherwise.

i only pray for the best, and if its a test, i hope i will pull it off . if its a punsihment , i seek god's forgivness .

lonesomedove80 lonesomedove80
31-35, F
7 Responses Aug 15, 2009

I can relate to your story so much but I am a guy in this situation. I can understand your feelings, the circumstances make things so difficult but there is always hope, if it was meant to be it will be... at least that's what I keep telling myself. Keep me updated with your story, if you want to chat 1-1 maybe we can make sense of this madness together.

Type your comment here...he was depressed, he broke up with someone lately and even tried to kill himself more than once, he is on medication now .<br />
so, probably he said that because he was feeling lonely, i will never know, he eve said that when he was with her , he thought of me and felt bad because he felt like he was a cheater , saying that he knows in his heart, that i am the one for him and we complete each other .<br />
he is upset that i am the one who is being negative not taking any action .<br />
i am scared, confused when thinking of telling my family .<br />
thats why he said we should not talk again if we cant be together ,<br />
now he misses me and wants to talk to me.<br />
but i dont want to hear him saying once again that he wann cut me off .

Hmm why was he pushing you to find a way for you guys to be together, instead of him finding a way himself? Yes I agree, you should not convert to someone else' religion just because of one person. It needs to be YOUR beliefs for your soul and spirituality, not taking them just to be with someone else.

he said he would go all the way to be with me if i met him in person and teach him about my religion so he convert and marry me , he even told me that we better not talk if i dont find a way to meet .<br />
he said he is willing to, its me who never showed him any pics of me , and its my family who hold me back to find the way, they are traditional, and they think no one deserves their kinship , i remained umarried because if them being so picky. <br />
i want him to convert for the right reasons, because there is no going back once he embrace my religion. i dont want him to convert so he can be with me , suppose things didnt go well and wand to revert. i cant wait till that happen.<br />
i told him i can help him to become a muslim and explain things online, he rather want in person which i can't.<br />
<br />
for him either find a way , or never.<br />
<br />
he sent messages to me telling me he wanna talk and hope we talk more often, but i am too scared ,too scared that he would tell me again we should stop talking. <br />
<br />
right now i am so confused whether talk to him or not and just remain friends. but i am hisitant and dont know what to do.<br />
thank you all for your support and i know god will find me a way, and i pray that if i am not meant to be with him , that god will send me a fine man who can make me safe and loves me for me .

I know you know that you need to move on. I am in a place right now where all my friends are telling me to let it go, he's so nice and sweet and he's one of my best friends, he's never mean to me, but he's making me wait. If he were making me wait to be with him, with the promise that once he was ready, once he got things settled with his ex and and their new baby, then yes, I would gladly wait. But he's only telling me to 'hope' for it, when I'm saying it hurts too much to hope, because he's still unsure what he wants, even though they're broken up. I see him everyday at work, and sometimes it's fine, sometimes it kills me. I almost wish he'd be mean, so that I could just let it go.<br />
<br />
If I were you, just make sure you're keeping your heart open to other opportunities and other guys. Don't shut yourself out from the world.

I'm sorry for your pain. Sounds like to him, you were/are just an internet fantasy romance. If you were anything else, during the past SEVEN YEARS, he would have found a way to get to you in person...even if just to enjoy some time together...IF he'd really wanted you as you obviously want him. Good luck...move on, now...while it is still YOUR idea....not his!

inshaallah you will get over him. :)