Dont Know Why I Still Love Him
I only know him on the Internet, and i am aware the danger that lays when you love someone you never actually have met, or probably never will.
I was not looking for love when i came the cyber world, but love has found me .
I know we are different, I am Muslim he is not, I am middle Eastern , he is westerner .
but i don't see those barriers when i talk with him.
when we first talked , i felt this familiarity, like i knew him before, but i thought that perhaps because we are in the same age, only 11 days older. but that was not it
before even i got to see how he looks like, we had sort of a connection, like when i was waiting for him to talk, i didn't know why i did, i never waited for anyone til he logs in , and he would ask me if i had been waiting for him, and always surprise me with the way how he read my mind and see my depths without having to see me .
it was only words we can type about what cross our minds who went on the same track ,and what our hearts felt for each other, at least back then.
i kept telling and still, that he is not ever going to be mine. so i should get these thoughts out of my mind before i get hurt. but he would proceed me and say all the things i wanted to say to him.
in my entire life , i have never felt as complete as i am with him. even when its only online.
every cell in my body tells me that we should be together.when my logic says this is not going to happen due to our differences.
during the 7 years since we met , he hurt me so, said things that hurt me down to my soul , been with other women god knows how many.
he gave me all the reasons to hate his guts .
but my stupid heart still long for him , and want him even more.
i wish i could rip off my heart and throw it away to stop this pain that wont seem to end
every night when i pray that i can let him go, i end up dreaming of him and waking up the next day yearning for him even more.
i am avoiding talking to him now, but i still miss him , i did avoid talking to him for months, and what i feel for him hadn't change , only more.
it burns my soul when i think that he has been with other women ,thinking that i was never real as they were to him. letting jealousy burning up my heart that i can never be with him or at least being able to see him , hear his voice or feel his touch. letting him see the real me as he saw my depths.
it cuts me when i think that may not gonna happen,but my only consolation is that i rely on god and leave this to him since i have power over nothing, if i am not meant to be with him, i hope i will stop loving him , so i wont suffer for the rest of my life knowing we are not going to be. or even look into each other's eyes and let him see how much i have waited for this and what my heart and soul hold for him. hoping he hold in his heart the same .
so, maybe we are not going to be because we wont be happy, even when my heart says otherwise.
i only pray for the best, and if its a test, i hope i will pull it off . if its a punsihment , i seek god's forgivness .