I Just Don't Know What To Do...

I am 30 years old, I've been with my husband of 17 months since we were both 21. Most of relationship has been long distance. He left for school 2 years into our relationship and I joined the military about 2 years after that.  When I meant him he was my knight in shining armor. I had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship with my high school sweetheart and move south where my family was after college. I meant him 6 mos. later out with some girlfriends one night. He was the perfect southern gentlemen. He even asked permission to kiss me on our second date. My parents always thought he was a sweet guy, but a rebound off a bad relationship. I told them they were wrong. I had never meant anyone like him before. Anyway, 2 years pass.  He leaves for school and the red flags start flying. I shrug it off to "normal" college student behavior. I join the army to make sure that we are both doing something to better ourselves since my bachelors in bio is worth anything.  While in training I begin to realize how strong I am, and I start to actually like me without someone. He doesn't write, my mail gets returned. The times I do get to call he is drunk or too busy to talk. I decide to end it when he misses both my graduation from basic, AIT and the visit on my birthday when we had a pass. His recreational drug use was worrying me and trust I'm not talking about smoking weed...

2 days after I get home I drive to see him at school, but then he has this elaborate plan and propses. He says thats why he didn't visit. He used the money on the engagement ring and the stone was his grandma's.  So, I say yes. Maybe things will change. Maybe the problem is me.  It was a long engagement. The wedding was called off once and when we finally  got married it wasn't my happy day. I was not a blushing bride. I wanted to run away, but i paid for the whole thing and the honeymoon and I couldn't disappoint everyone and i couldn't hurt him. He was after all a good guy. He still is. He has no drive, he is over weight, underpaid and lacks the general urge to stick to something. I clean, take care of the dogs pay ALL the bill with my paycheck; the mortgage the electric the water the cable the food the cars and my student loans... he pays the cell phone bill and his Lowes card and his student loans. My answer was I will gain weight and make myself less attractive and safe. That only led to low self esteem and effected my job since the military frowns upon fat bodies. So, then I lost 70 pounds and tried to get him to excercise with me and diet with me. I bought him a bike so we could ride together and he never has time. He works nights and I work days. we see eachother maybe twice a week. He has talked about switching to days again lately and I don't want him to. I don't love him like I thought I did. He is a great roomate and a super friend, but there is no romance, no passion, no communication.  This is not what I wanted. But, how do you hurt the guy you love as your friend. I know he would never hurt me and I never want to hurt him. so do I stay with him and rough it out or do I move on and how? Please help me. I'm so confused and it hurts me to think of hurting him, but I am beginning to think it is what will happen.

armygurl1 armygurl1
5 Responses Feb 14, 2010

Sounds like he is just not able to emotionally give you what you are needing in a relationship. I think you might consider telling him that, maybe even showing him an (edited?) version of your post on here, and asking him if he'd be willing to try to learn. If he's not, then you have your answer. If he is, then pick an amount of time in your head, like 6 months or a year, and go to counseling, work on these issues together. Don't tell him about the deadline, because it might be too much pressure for him, plus he might be able to work hard and "fake" getting his **** together just long enough.... like cramming to pass a test basically. At the end of the deadline, look at how your relationship is - if it's getting better, you might want to stay, if you're starting to get your needs met also. If not, or if it's just not enough progress for you to feel encouraged, then at least you can break up with much less guilt, knowing that you were totally honest AND you tried everything that anyone could have expected from you. I know you say he would never hurt you, but if you look back and re-read your post it is FULL of things he has done that ended up hurting you - laziness, overweight/not attractive for his lover/being a bad influence on you to overeat/ not pulling his weight/ alcoholism.... don't all those things affect your life in a negative way? Didn't they hurt you? You can actively hurt someone by attacking them verbally, emotionally, physically. Or you can passively hurt someone by neglecting them, being passive-aggressive, dumping part of your fair share of responsibilities on them, ignoring their needs in favor of your own... Anyway, just some ideas. Good luck.

pleasedon't become me! Thirty years later feeling so lost and still hoping that he'll change. I know I'm married but my husband isn't. So many of the things you have mentioned are what I have accepted for to long. It's Saturday night and he has the day off guess what he isn't here, it's 12 midnight. I have been lonely for three years. I am ready for a divorce. I daydream about just sitting and holding hands and watching T.V I want so little and get nothing. Get out now!!

Sweetie,<br />
You don't have to look for somebody to blame. We are all imperfect and equally blameworthy for one thing or another. Most of us are living a tough life these days - and romance and love - just don't look the way it should. Sometimes, we forget that love is there, and even romance may still exists between the two of you - but it might be that the quality is not what you expect, due to the circumstances you've been through and the current situation. We all got lots of problems to think about - this is life. If you could overcome this challenge and hold your beloved husband's hand through thick and thin, you could be relatively happy in the long run. I can see that you have a good heart from your worry about hurting him, and you know that he also has a good heart. That's the best thing you can offer one another. May God bless you both.

Thank you, I have thought about trying the counseling route but what do I do if he won't go? I have been going to counseling myself for a few months trying to fix me incase I am the problem. The problem is the more I fix me the more I realize that I'm not getting what I need from this marriage. I know marriage is hard work, and I have been working at it for months. I bought books for us to read together and tried to "spice" up our love life. Nothing works, it doesn't help when I am the only one reading the books and going to counseling :( This whole situation just sucks...

You can't worry about hurting him. You need to do what makes you happy. Think about it. If you aren't happy, then he won't be happy. Have you guys tried counseling? It is kind of expensive, but it could really help communication..etc. or it can help you both of you to come to terms with accepting there is no future. I tried MarriageWorks. You don't want to look back and feel like you should've done it sooner.