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Online behavior leads to false connections

What is this phenomenon? Two people connect online, share some thoughts and ideas that are compatible, share some visuals, start having feelings for eachother, share phone numbers, text eachother during the day and chat at night and share intimate moments on the phone in the middle of the night.  Then the two get carried away with the emotion...  feelings get hurt and its over as quickly as it started.  Its a completely false human connection..... yet it is an emotional connection between two minds over a span of distance... I dont know...  I have enjoyed parts of that experience and really disliked other parts. I wish there was a way to not get attached but have that every so often reminder that there exists somewhere in the world another human with whom you have an intellectual and sensual connection, and maybe feel better about the loneliness in life.
ShellyHeartAche ShellyHeartAche 36-40, F 19 Responses Jun 16, 2012

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This is an interesting thread

Hearts are so easy to break

I think one can strike good chemistry online but "good chemistry" is not the sole factor for successful relationship.I guess real character of a person which is the most significant ingredient in a relationship can only be gauged,when one spend some quality time with each other in real time without clouding their mind by intoxicating initial euphoria of mutual chemistry.

Most of the times when people get over this "wow relationship" phase,they crib over their medium of initial interaction but the fact is, problem is not in the medium through which you've encountered your potential so called "soul mate",it is infact in the approach of graduating from initial romantic obsession to the real eye opening dynamics of "relationship".There is infact a huge paradigm shift when we pass through these stages.

Well said.

false may be an overstatement, I wud agree on incomplete as restated in that comment. btw one of the best discussions on online relationships covering both the success and failure elements adequately in the comments! Great post..

It doesn't always end badly. One in five relationships come from on-line. So something is connecting. I love when I talk on the phone with my ep friends. And exchange private e-mails when trust is strong. I believe that on-line friendships and even love require a stronger commitment. I am delighted to see the green light is on when I am here. I cherish my friends. I love even. And all is good in the end. Because people do come and go, but the ones who stay are a constant source of support, inspiration, and love. Thank you for your posting. Great life we have! :)

Online connections may actually be deeper emotionally that in person connections. Meeting someone in person we size them up more visually because they are right in front of us. Our on line connections are made more from our intellectual side without any sexual tensions that cloud things for us. Our intellectual connection can become very emotional if we seem to be a kindred spirit and have a lot in common.

I think connections in general are not easy and shouldn't be really because people are not black and white. We tend to think life and people should be simple or easy because we are not as interested in being as involved as we think. For me I have found out that I have so robotic and knee jerk about my life that I just end up skimming the surface of others thus disappointments of all kinds begins. We might say we want connections or to meet people but when we may feel a deeper need to fill up a hole inside ourselves with the "idea" of having connections/encounters with people. Often times we don't even know what we are doing but the desire and need becomes like a drug--needy for a fix. We may think we want love or friends but rather feel alone and isolated or lonely so we seek people out because the world teaches us that this is what we do in order to feel more whole or better about ourselves.

Online connections can be painful because people are looking for something that another person cannot fill. The anonymity factor along with the need to play or pretend ( for some or most) about oneself can also make things even more difficult. In person there is a greater need to "show up" but online you can be whatever you want. Despite all this, we have to learn how to connect to what it is we are TRULY looking when we are online, in person, etc. The more honest we become with what we are trying to fill up, avoid, deny, run away etc the more we are able to close the door to the games. If we don't want to be played by anyone then we have to step it up with ourselves and have the courage to face ourselves and stop playing games with ourselves. This mean learning how to admit that life is not what you thought it would be or that it is not what you want it to be. Being up close and personal with yourself isn't about anyone else but YOU. It is about finding YOU and what makes YOU feel like YOU matter because WE ALL MATTER no matter what anyone has ever said to you or have taught you to believe about yourself.

Remember, ANYTHING that we have been taught or trained can be UNTAUGHT and UNTRAINED.

Note: I just need to say that the human experience and having the ability to interact with one another is what makes us so beautiful and dynamic. It makes life powerful but the quality of sharing and communicating comes with maturity and inner work that we are ALL capable of doing and achieving. The deeper question is what are we willing to do to create richer, deeper and more meaningful connection to ourselves. How far are we willing to go to find our OWN in this life. I think ShellyHeartAche was just wonderful in saying that she experiences loneliness and appreciates some parts of connecting for truly that touches my humanity. This is part of the step in not playing games with ourselves about how we truly feel inside.

Is it not the same shallow relationship in real life? Two people meet, starts talking, afraid to open up just yet, so they only talk about what each other have in common, starts talking on the phone/txt. Finally opens up and one person completely disagrees with the other, breaks up and gets hurt.

ouch, that graph looks dark.

Lovely post...thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings on this matter with the world...I have had many such relationships in the past and here on EP as well...and I believe its the best thing that has happened to me...my friends have helped me grow as a human being...there was an emotional and a sensual connection...all the times...<br />
just make me feel good about myself that I can have such wonderful relationships...<br />
take care and keep writing...:)

What we have been made to believe as unreal, is actually the real. Technology gave us the ability for omnipresence and our soul meets across the ocean creating a neighborhood of souls. It took quite a while for humanity to comprehend this. Love n sex on phone, email, text etc. and how everything was in the soul and never in the physical. <br />
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But this soul connection is the real one and we can see the body mates just failing miserably in traditional dating methods, where they like each other's body, but later to find that their soul never agrees.<br />
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But the soul connection is deeper and real.. and once a soul mate, ever a soul mate. But its the human disbelief, demands and expectations, that forcefully severs the relationship, and brands it as "false" or "unreal" connections and takes solace in it.

Once a soulmate always a soulmate, but physically and logistically live in separate worlds... each with its own roots and branches... but we all have a need to be with our soulmate in the physical world, no? and what kind of life is it otherwise?

YES.. once the soul unites, it will bring the body together. We just have to start moving out of where we are pitched.. isn't it always that soul leads and the body follows... and we have a husband and wife within each of us..

Once we know or learn that life is otherwise, we just need to take the turtle turn... Life is otherwise, because we are products of the past, who have produced us for their need or comfort and scattered us all over... We just need to integrate and break all the barriers slowly...

In a world where most are stuck to MONEY, and that nothing is possible without money, it does take a while..

Remaining in the same STATE, be it United States or Fragmented, is not going to resolve the problem.

that makes technology sound like spiritual, lol. I agree with transcending the body and taking it to the mind. but if the connection was truly soul to soul, it should transcend tdchnology too ?

Perhaps you keep the fire alive by not meeting? We are all most intelligent when anonymous. You know not if I use hours to write a few words or a minute. Many perceptions and illusions are shattered when you meet. If your mind is connected and stimulated, then you should protect that relationship by refusing to meet them. At least for a year.

Excellent advice.. it is my goal to do just that.

Disagree. Forcing oneself not to meet OR calibrating it with time, again is manipulation. One should not jump into meeting forcefully but at the same time must not restrict oneself forcefully. Relationship too must be cherished from the beginning. Over time it may change. But to doubt or avoid in the beginning is worst, cause that may be the first and last opportunity.

I would most agree with you if we were in a discussion about normal face-to-face dating where we can see and observe the behaviours and body language and hear the verbal cues of the other person that allow we humans to best evaluate other humans through the magic of interaction. As an over-sexed and emotional Italana, I can most appreciate love and emotion.
But, my love, you disregard the many dangers and pitfalls of Internet relationships in favor of a more simplistic and subjective process which is wonderful in a more perfect world but can be a very dangerous road to travel for some. If a person has no experience in these things, it is easy to give advise to just be open and unrestrictive. It seems nice this way, no? But as a professional escort, I would advise some caution and objectivity in favour of your own personal safety. My advice will not be found in a Cavalcanti love sonnet but I can provide one from Francesco Petrarca from the 14th century to read here which can enlighten us in modern times on how vulnerable we can be in times of infatuation:

It was the day the sun's ray had turned pale with pity for the suffering of his Maker when I was caught, and I put up no fight, my lady, for your lovely eyes had bound me.
It seemed no time to be on guard against love's blows; therefore, I went on my way secure and fearless-so, all my misfortunes began in midst of universal woe.
Love found me all disarmed and found the way was clear to reach my heart down through the eyes which have become the halls and doors of tears.
It seems to me it did him little honour to wound me with his arrow in my state and to you, armed, not show his bow at all.

Efe

Indeed.. I cringe at the thought of how vulnerable I made myself in those times of infatuation. What a terrible mistake I was about to make, not only for my personal safety but the emotional health of my family. Their eyes would have become the halls and doors of tears. Thank You very much for a most thoughtful, enriching and enlightening response. ~Shelly

Ideally that should have been the way, where we observe body language etc. Before internet, that was the only way available, where you had to impress another by the body language gesture along with content of what we speak...

But did we allow anyone to be what they are? don't we find a fault in just anything and everything.. we comment on their dress.. ask opinion from friends .. and interrupt or butt into or get picky on a particular line, without letting them complete what they came to say..

But now we can see that thru internet, we get time to think and write.. and allow another to complete.. this was also possible by email, until such time skype , chat messengers and texting came in to screw up the situation, where people stopped conversing, and just jump on to meeting by just flashing each other's photo..

mutually we never respected each other and collectively started suspecting one another, when news spread about many mishaps thru internet date... so we started suspecting even the good ones.. and the worst became worst..

one need not have to jump to meet, just cause one is in the neighborhood... we could have been patient assuming that we are far apart and requires a flight ticket to meet up..

as a good old saying " don't jump to conclusion, for a conclusion jumps upon you"..

But once matured, we just don't fall for just anything and everything..

on the whole, good to meet a writer in ya.. talents are everywhere.. we just need to join hands..

true... we all mature over time.. and for anything n everything starts with an infatuation.. even though we use the word LOVE ..

just take a look at the profile of renuverma1984 and your views on her profile.. She has 1700+ friends with just one photo... but not one story or comment etc...

how to read a soul in such a situation?

To LapiudolceT5 - your post of June 17, 2012:
Very wise! I think the Internet and a forum like this are wonderful.... anonymity is wonderful. I find the respect rendered between anonymous people here in EP to be wonderful Taking the step from the wonder of an artificial environment to the 'real world' is asking for disappointment. Why spoil a very good thing? Relationships should be built around souls who meet in person where the tangible personality (eye blinks, shoulder shrugs, nose pickings, stutters, etc.) can be appreciated and judged to coincide with the natural intelligence the person exudes. This combination of facets is the WHOLE person who we can truly love (or not). This simply cannot be done via cyberspace!

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Yes... and half of this connection you've concocted in your head to fill in the blanks... I've been there... I'm kind of numb to online relationships now.

Its human nature to try to fill in the blanks and I do have an active imagination.

I agree on filling the blanks, and often with assumptions, I guess. thats probably one of the reasons it's disappointing wen castles come down bcos facts shoot assumptions at sight. true of real life relationships too, but except .that the blanks and fills are more than wat one expects.

Wow I totally feel you on this...I had a connection with a person for over a year and a half, we did all of those things, I fell inlove with him as he did me, made alot of promises but I backed out every time knowing that I couldn't work other than online, I came to realize that I used this person for that emotional connection that I was not getting at home in my everyday life...I was addicted to him emotionally! I mean we even began to finish each others sentences! Well needless to say after a yr of corresponding, he got really impatient about meeting....and his true colors started to come out, he proposed to me and all! That scared me, like who does that? People are really lonely out there is all I can sum it up to! Ultimately it ended badly now we don't even speak!

Good point, never thought of it as an addiction. I'm sorry to hear you had a traumatic experience like that, and to think of all the hours and energy you put into that relationship.... which is what I did. An emotional addiction is soul draining and its so precarious it doesnt make logical sense to pursue it really.

You are right when you say HOURS we used to talk til sun comes up sometimes no sleep! And you are right it is draining and now that it's no more Im like what was the point!

It's very easy to get swept along with the excitement of meeting a new person. I have been here and end up realising I've got carried away with things before we even meet and then put the breaks on.<br />
I think it is fun to connect with someone like this online but tbh I have had exactly the same sort of experience with people I have met in real life. <br />
I enter a lot of relationships/friendships with extreme enthusiasm only to leave with extreme enthusiasm shortly after.<br />
I'm married now so things have changed but I completely get what you are saying but I would restrict this ideal to *just* online relationships.

Yes we are human, we make these connections and we do get these feelings and it's so hard not to.<br />
I guess the difference with meeting someone in everyday life is that it's normally a physical attraction initially. On line you trust in a persons writing and the information they give you. I am always open and honest but careful who I open up to. Good story and many valid comments.

I think.... it's perhaps not so much that the connection is false, but more so that people present themselves not as they truly are. There is nothing wrong with presenting the best of yourself, but it's easy to forget that people have faults, bad habits, etc., that you cannot observe online...<br />
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I know several people who have met online (dating sites, not EP) who are very happy. One couple is so perfect together (I am smiling as I think about them) and they were married a few years ago.<br />
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Worth noting too: I've seen a lot of people come to EP in part due to unhappy relationships that they in truth have no intention of leaving.... so, should someone be enamored by such a person, it is worth noting that it's unlikely to have a "happy" ending for them.<br />
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Ultimately, though, I believe connections made online are perfectly valid and can last for years; they can bring people together who might otherwise never have met. I've been blessed with several amazing ones and I wouldn't trade them for the world!

Thank you! So good to hear from someone who has such knowledge and experience in the matter.

I disagree with your statement that it is a "completely false human connection." It sounds like that it is a true connection. It is exactly like how two people connect and have a relationship not online. There is attraction on both sides, mentally, emotionally, and physically (if you share pictures). The relationship (whatever the label given) is beneficial for both parties because you both are getting something out of it. The only thing missing is physical contact.<br />
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It sounds like someone wasn't fully honest with the other party about their intentions or their true feelings. That is how someone gets hurt, but this is the same risk one takes when getting into a relationship in real life.

If not false then incomplete human connection .. wouldnt you say?

An excellent way to restate it.

From what I've read here, this seems to be a rather common occurence. It starts off, as you described, innocently enough. At some point, it turns into something more that (perhaps) neither party intended or expected. <br />
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Some would say that these types of online relationships are just an illusion. They are a fantasy. They aren't "real". <br />
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I can state (from personal experience) that while the mechanics of this type of relationship may not be traditional, the feelings people have are certainly "real". You are just as excited, overwhelmed, euphoric, etc. when you are in them and just as perplexed, sad, hurt, betrayed, etc. when they end as you would be in a traditonal (face-to-face) relationship. <br />
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As someone in my circle once observed, there are many lost souls out there looking for a connection with someone. Doing so online is fine. We just need to be aware of the fact that the progress of such online connections is often overly-accelerated in comparison to face-to-face relationships. <br />
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I guess we can keep reaching out to others (with caution) or wall ourselves off. While I've been quite good at the latter, I still haven't figured out how to do the former...

I do feel like a lost soul sometimes... that's some good advice. thanks. I love people and will always reach out to others somehow, online or in real life.

My relationship online is rare, from what I understand. I met her online, pm ed , chatted feel attracted then in love. Only to find out she lives 80 miles away.... WOW We have met multiple times in real world, and are deeply inlove. So.... it really can happen. I believe our key was that from the begining we have allways been completely honest and open...

Awwwwww!

We are bothin awe and are totally in love

I love these stories :)