On Sadness

There are so many of us here that have thoughts of suicide, battle depression, and are unhappy in our lives. Myself included.

There seems to be a few common threads among us.

First- We are masking it to the outside world. To our family and friends. In all likelihood, it is because there are key members of that world that we perceive as a core part of our problem. Any revelation would cause pain to those who may not deserve it. As I have written about in other stories, I do so for my kids-so that they reach adulthood in a dual-parent family that is led by what appears to be a happy marriage. For me, there is an end game-a point where I hope to be able to relieve my strain in a way that makes my wife happy as much as it will for me. I hold onto that notion. For those who do not have a time frame for becoming happy, I think that maybe you should begin to form one in your mind. Also be realistic about how much responsibility is yours in terms of hurting others, and if keeping the status quo is really a benefit to them. Although I am having trouble taking specific actions in preparation for that day, at least I can glimpse a little white dot in this dark tunnel. I do gain some relief from that dot of light.

Second- We have put ourselves in the situation, and our way of dealing with it is to accept the consequences of our decisions with honor and dignity. We may do so for the right reasons as stated above, but it hurts because we believe that we entered the situation of our own free will and have held our end of the bargain, but others may not have done so. Or we intentionally ignored the warning signs beforehand, and we know it and therefore we place some undue guilt upon ourselves. Or a little of both.

Third- Instead of being constructive, we aggravate the situation and fill our time and our minds with behavior that has little legitimate use for making us better.

---------EP can be that, but it can also be enormously helpful-we just need to be sure to balance it well.

--------Other things are negative thinking-like thoughts of suicide, or daydreaming our lives away hoping for a better time instead of acting in that direction.

-------Substance abuse. This aids in the escapism, but it inherently blocks the ability to think rationally and to have the mental discipline to form the escape plan. I absolutely love beer, and still drink with friends; but I have been successfully reducing that aspect and have a much clearer head as a result. I refuse to look into RX meds for the same reason. Pot; although I did a fair amount--ok, a lot, as a kid, just turned me into a zombie; not to mention the expense that could be put toward the escape plan. Besides-that green sh!t they have these days tastes & smells like>>well, sh!t compared to the old stuff. Not to mention my personal favorite in terms of taste-hashish--yum!

-------Promiscuity. I think that this is potentially the most directly damaging for those who will pursue a better life. The reason that I say that is because it is so taboo from a family perspective. If you are caught and exposed, there is likely no way to have others accept that you are the one who held up your end of the bargain as stated above. You place a permanent target on your back-you hand the promise breaker a trump card to use against you at will.

-------Suicide. Actually making the attempt. Earlier today, as I drove my teen kid somewhere, I thought back to when the kid was so tiny that they fit on my lap-the sensation of those tiny arms wrapped around me. The laughter and the sweetness. Whether we have kids or we were kids to someone, we owe it to them to be here. Suicide is a willful genetic disease inflicted upon families. When someone who is loved does it, the possibility of their loved ones doing it is greatly enhanced. And that gene can pass on for one generation after another, even though it causes a level of pain that is incomprehensible. It is the ultimate act of selfishness, why would we deny those who love us the opportunity to say goodbye, or to say I miss you? I do not want to be one who is remembered for bailing out and passing the diseased gene onto my family. I think suicide is the ultimate F0CK YOU!! to our loved ones, and it causes us to miss out on immense levels of happiness that is our destiny. We have little arms in our future and they will bring us joy that we can not perceive right now. Instead of embracing them, why would we show them how to bail out?

-------Denial of benefit. We tend to deny ourselves things that are good for us. For me, one of those things is going to church. It's kind of a pain, but once I'm there, I feel good about it-the words always seem to be directed at one of my problems. But also reading a good book, exercise, watching a funny movie, playing a card game with kids, or doing a craft that you enjoy instead of rolling up in the fetal position to stare at the TV or into space for the rest of the night.

But all of these things are within our power to change, some immediately, and some gradually as long as we keep the demons out of our heads and connect positive action with positive thinking. We can all do this if we are patient with ourselves and others, and if we are persistent. It is really scary initially, but as we see that we can do it in small steps, we need to assure ourselves and allow confidence to build and strengthen us. We will stumble along the way, but we must take it in stride and  find the opportunity in those failings to become stronger. I think that doing so, we will feel a sense of accomplishment and some happiness. Then, it will continue to snowball and we can link seconds of joy to form minutes, then hours. Eventually, we will have built the strength, the character, the confidence, and the lives to be able to forge a happy life with the acceptance of those important people.

But it must all begin with action. One way to start is to take pen to paper. Pick up a journal and write in it every day. Make a plan-education; either formal or otherwise-self discipline; break a bad habit, just do it-form good habits; read the right subject matter and build skills & knowledge.

"Get your mind set...confidence will lead you on"
Bfinally Bfinally
51-55, M
Dec 14, 2012