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I Hate Myself For A Lot Of Reasons, But Being Fat Is Up There.

I hate being fat. I hate it. But I can't seem to make myself do anything about it. I'm on mental health medication that aids with weight gain, but I'm also just lazy, inactive and a binge eater. I was very fat a few years ago but finally made my doctor realize how badly the medication I was on at that time was affecting me and once I came off of it, the weight came off pretty easily. I was still overweight but not disgustingly so, I looked pretty good, my clothes all fit again and I was happy. But that didn't last and now I'm fatter than where I started. I finally caved and ordered pants from a plus-size catalog which felt like a defeat in and of itself, but they're actually too small. So I'm no longer up to a size sixteen - I'm at least an eighteen wide, maybe more. That's heavier than I've ever been in my life. I don't know how much I actually weigh but I'm assuming I'm past the 200 lb mark by now. Besides looking hideous, I feel terrible. My joints ache constantly and walking up a flight of stairs gets me winded.

I'm agoraphobic and crowds are my biggest trigger, so joining/going to a gym are completely out of the question. Hell, going outside is a challenge most days. And I have no idea why I eat so much. I don't enjoy most food but I eat anyway. I eat until I feel sick and I keep eating. I know I'll hate myself after but I do it anyway. I can't understand why I do this. I know the obvious solution is to not keep food in the house, but I live with my mother who buys tons of food - she says at her age she's fine with being heavier which I can totally respect, but I'm 27 and obviously not getting any younger. I'd like to at least fit into my size 12s again. I'm never going to be thin, because I don't have that kind of self control, but at one point I at least had the self-control to keep myself human-sized.

The frustrating thing is, even if I lose the weight, I'm going to look terrible because I'll just sag like an elephant. But one problem at a time, right? At least they have surgery for that...but that's assuming I ever keep the weight off long enough to even consider that kind of surgery in the first place. One worry at a time.

Even more frustrating is that my life is getting so much better right now, and it's like I can't even appreciate it because I still am horrified by what I see in the mirror. My girlfriend tells me over and over how beautiful I am to her and I still don't hear it. I still can't stop adding "you know, for a fatass" onto the end of it. (Ironically, we're about the same size and I sure don't see a fat girl when I look at HER. Of course she's also supermodel gorgeous so a little extra weight matters less.) My phobia of eating in public gets worse when I'm heavy because in addition to my other problems with it, I feel like everyone's thinking "oh what's fatty going to eat, let's see what she likes so much that got her looking like that." And it's stupid because *I* don't think about it when I see overweight people eating in restaurants or whatever. I have no reason to think that anyone else is. But I still can't let it go.

I hate myself. And I hate that I hate myself over something that seems so trivial in the long run. It goes against everything I feel like I'm supposed to believe.
missyfin missyfin 26-30, F Mar 22, 2011

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