I Hate Being Defined By My Size- My Experience.

I guess when I think about it, I've never really been skinny. Even as a child I was always on the chunky side and stood out from the other girls in my class. Everyone used to go into school wearing nice little blue and white checked dresses, and I could only fit into a buttoned blue shirt and a fugly long grey pleated skirt. I was painfully obviously bigger then most girls my age, and I was probably only a stone or so heavier then most of them. I remember despising PE lessons and getting paranoid when choosing what food to eat a lunch. I felt like I was always being watched, being judged by people. My thoughts soon became reality and other kids started to comment on my size, call me names behind my back and snigger at my appearance. This only escalated and became an on going battle at school, me vs the bully's, and they always won. It only got worse as I got older. Girls slating me behind my back, saying how I would never find a boyfriend because I was too fat. Boys shouting fat related names at me, throwing sharp objects at me to see if I would 'pop'.

I think back to those times and wish there was some possible way for me to step inside my former self and stand up and defend the younger me. I hid behind a shell of hate back then, barely speaking, never giving my opinion or letting people know the real me. I hated those long and painful years, but they have made me stronger. I lost a load of weight during my last year at high school. I was 15 at the time and had just spent the last three years dodging bully's and self loathing. I joined weight watchers and dropped nearly three stone, went down to 9 and a half stone ( the ideal weight for my height.) I will never forget the day when I went back to school after my weight loss. I remember walking in the nearby fields on my way to school with hundreds of other students. I could see familiar faces staring at me, whispering to their friends.I had comments shouted at me and people approaching me, but this time it was to compliment my new appearance and slim figure. I felt brilliant, accepted and I walked to school with my head held high and a confidence that I would kill to possess now.

After that I was flooded with unwanted attention. I suddenly became more acceptable to talk too, people bothered with me more. They invited me places and welcomed me into their circle of friends. I had a lot of male attention, I had no idea how to deal with it. I was oblivious to flirting and the guys who liked me. It's only years since that I have discovered the ones who did. I left school and made a large group of emo/goth friends who would sit and drink, smoke and do drugs. I never did drugs, but I started drinking alcohol every weekend and smoking ten a day. I became very popular within the group, they had no idea that I used to be an outcast. They just accepted me with open arms and didn't care what size or weight I was. Guys started to approach me, and the drunk me was much more confident and sure of myself. So I kissed a few guys, gained a few crushes and finally met a guy that eventually led to me falling in love and loosing my virginity. After that ended horribly and unexpectedly, I found myself feeling empty without the security of a relationship. So I went from one relationship to another for about two years, clinging onto the idea of love.

After numerous relationships I ended up single from the age of 19-22 years old. In that time I gradually started to gain weight, loose my confidence and become disappointed and bored of life. I'm 24 years old now, and I now weigh 16 and a half stone. The worst part is, I know how much weight that is and I justify my size 18 frame by telling myself I could be bigger. Through all of the things I have been through in life, I have never been this big. I am aware that I am bigger, but I don't see myself as a fat person. In my mind I am the same person I have always been. But I know in my heart that I would get treated differently and have a completely different life if I didn't have this weight holding me down. I've had male attention, I have been involved in a complicated on/off relationship for nearly two years. I have other guys that like me, regardless of my size. But when I'm honest to myself, I know that I'm just settling for what I can get. Because I don't feel like I can get the kind of guy and love that I dream about. I look at certain guys, meet amazing personalities and stunning looks and I know that they would never even glance in my direction. .I want to find true love and settle down and have children more then anything, but I feel like my weight is stopping me from meeting someone. My friends, they love me for who I am but I know that I am the fat friend, everybody has one and I'm one of them. I wear baggy jumpers to attempt to try and hide my shape, giving people the impression that I am more of a tom boy then I really am. I know if I was skinner, I would wear more femaine clothes, I would go out more and have the confidence to live my life the way I live it in my head

I know what people think. 'If you're not happy, do something about it.' But is it ever that easy? I've become that unfit that I struggle to even jog up the stairs. No matter what diet I do, I can't seem to loose much weight. I'm terrified of starting to exercise in case my body freaks out and I have a heart attack or something. It's an on going battle with myself and I wish I had a magic pill that I could take to make me skinny.On top of all this, I'm battling with an anxiety disorder that makes me terrified of death and any health issues. I really want to change, I have done for years but I can't seem to reach that place again. The truth is, I've become lazy. So lazy that I am sat here now and finally admitting to myself that I am fat, I am judged and It's my own fault. I might not see myself as anything but the person I have always been, but other people do and I hate that.
wamy88 wamy88
22-25, F
1 Response Jan 19, 2013

hey you sound pretty cute i love ur story i would love to get to know you and you sound the right girl for me you need a knight to fight for you as me i can fight for any woman as long as my heart finds her i take kick boxing/boxing i do football and soccer i think your pretty cute and if your single let talk i down to be with a woman like you ok later