I Honestly Dont Think I Was Always This Way.

i remember in elementary school  we had to do the physical fitness test every year, & i was heavier than my classmates, but i was able to do more sit-ups & push-ups than alot of the other girls. one girl even told me she couldnt be my friend any more because of it, in the 3rd grade. i developed physically alot sooner than anyone else in my class. i had my 1st bra when i was in 4th grade, & was teased mercilessly because of it. i got my period in 5th grade, & made my first (& for several years, only) best friend. she lived 2 houses away, & her house was my home away from home. i called her parents mom & dad. her brother & sister were my brother & sister. i was more comfortable there with them than in my own home. my mother was an alcoholic, my stepfather was emotionally abusive, & i was constantly being critisized for not being as popular, as athletic, as outgoing as my older brother. i was afraid to be myself around my own family. in gym class that year, the teacher announced everyone's weight out loud. mine wasnt the highest. but i have a few memories of things, that in my mind, should have been warning signs to my parents. i hid food in my room. when they found it, they'd make fun of me. they'd make fun of me for having that 3rd helping at meals, but they'd allow me to do it. i remember that when i'd be home sick from school, i'd be ravaging the fridge & cabinets for food. my best friend & i would walk down to the convenience store, we'd each get a pint of chocolate icecream, chocolate milk, & a jar of hot fudge. not to mention the can of whipcream. each. the weight slowly piled on, i was tormented even more because of it, i became more shy, & ate even more as a result of my unhappiness. i didnt know what else to do. i didn't know what i was SUPPOSED to do. as an adult, my lowest weight was 195 lbs, a result of being on the atkins diet for 7 months. but i cheated once, & that was the end of that. the last time i weighed myself, i was at 260 lbs. but i'm sure its higher than that. for the past week, i've noticed that i've been short-winded from trying to complete a long sentence. i can eat a whole large pizza by myself. i posted that on ep once, & i think someone's comment was 'AWESOME!' ITS NOT AWESOME. ITS HUMILIATING & DISGUSTING. i have a 4yr old daughter. and at first i was so anal about what i allowed her to eat & what i allowed her to see me eat. i am still picky about what she eats, & as a result she's not big on sweets, chips, anything like that. she loves chicken, fruits & veggies, & apple juice. but i feel so helpless to control what i eat now, she watches as i eat cookies for beakfast, she sees me eat that whole pizza, drink can after can of soda. i read on another site about someone who goes to different fast food places so they can eat more without anyone suspecting. i dont do that, i buy more drinks so it looks like i'm buying for more than just me. my daughter's father would come home from mcdonalds with $10-15 worth of food from the $1 menu & he & i'd eat it all. in one sitting. i have a beautiful daughter, a nice car, a nice home, & a good paying job. i used to tell myself that once i had all that i'd be happy & able to lose weight. but now its worse, i eat more.  i want so desperately to have a boyfriend (my daughters father is out of both of our lives) but i know no one wants someone who looks like me. at least, no one i'm attracted to. and i'm really not picky. as far as looks go, i'd like for him to be clean & not too much bigger than me. not too much smaller than me, either. i dont want break him. that is, if my sexual appetite ever comes back. i feel so alone & helpless. & i get disgusted with myself, because i feel this is something i really should be able to control. on the site i mentioned earlier, another woman posted that she'd rather be an alcoholic than be fat. my mother & my brother are both alcoholics, & they critisize me because of my weight. yet never once have i criticized either of them for being alcoholics. maybe that WOULD be better. thanks for reading my sob story. 

thirty30 thirty30
31-35, F
2 Responses Mar 14, 2010

okay im 13 and have anorexia..bad its been going on for 3 years but honestly you seem amazing!!! we should seriously talk sometime. you seem very strong and independent. i look up to you!! you are so strong and shouldnt be ashamed!! you will find someone, someone who is worth all the great things you have to offer!! keep in touch!

okay im adding another reply. sorry lol but my parents emotionally and sometimes physically abused me and it wears you down so much! people really dont understand whats its like you are strong stay beautiful!!!

I feel for you. I've been overweight my whole life and I've never had much luck with guys. I didn't develop too early, I started around the end of 5th grade beginning of 6th, but I did develop quickly. By the time I was in 8th grade I was already a double d. I just thought I'd let you know that someone actually read this and someone actually understands