When I Was 8

i lost my 'real' dad to a heart attack.  he was 44 and it came as a massive shock.

i always had a better relationship with my father, i was daddys girl :) and i miss him so much.  it seems so weird to think that in less than a year he will have been dead for 10 years.  i think the worst thing about it is that he couldnt be there for any of the big things in my life.  the fact that hell never give me away at my wedding and hell never meet my partner bothers me a fair bit. and he was such a happy generous guy!  i aspire to be more like him than my mum.  i still love him and think about him; it might sound corny or whatever but i like to think he watches over me.  theres definatly been a few times where i could have been badly injured and havnt that have made me wonder.

im always, always going to consider him my real father.  but when i was around 15 my mum told me that he wasnt my biological dad.  id always known that mum had to go through ivf treatment to get me but i always assumed that they had still used dads *****. so yeah, they actually used a donor. 

at first it really bothered me, knowing dad wasnt my biological dad, but iv realised over time that its regardless; he was and always be my father.  thoughts crossed my mind about the donor, and i still wonder who that man might be, but there is no way i will ever know who they are.  also they sold their spoof its not like they would want some random girl turning up to say hi. its still weird to know that somewhere out there i have a biological father.

its also kind of worrying, like what if i met his son n had a relationship with them??  nobody would know to stop that from happening!

either way, im still fatherless and i feel that lack of a father figure everyday.  its shaped the way i am now.  iv always wanted somebody to be like that for me and never got it... i feel kind of unfulfilled. even so, i know dad would always want me to be happy and i always try to remember that :)

proyecto proyecto
1 Response Mar 3, 2009

cheer up. i lost mine too..and i hate him for leaving!what an ***