I started going out with my ex on November 25, 2007.  We spent a ton of time together and we were very close. I was very protective of myself and thought a lot before doing things such as having sex. Before we had sex I made him promise me that he truley loved me, He said that I didnt have to do anything that I wasnt ready for, and he never pushed me into having sex with him. Ten months into our relationship I felt ready and we had sex. I wasnt afraid because i felt completly comfortable with him.

Two days after we had sex for the second time he broke up with me. I cried and cried and cried. I felt so surprised and hollow. I honestly loved him, and still do. Two months after he broke up with me he started dating a girl a year younger than me. I had to walk past them everyday and watch them as they kissed hugged, and held hands. It killed me to watch the compassion in his eyes for her.

My ex was doing the forien exchange with our school so he was going to stay in France for 3 months. Then, after he returned, his family was moving far away. He told me that he was staying with her until he moved. The reason it killed so badly was that I would never get a second chance. We had such a strong relationship, and I always imagined that at least we'd get a second chance. However he was moving across the country and so that would never happen.

The pain I felt, and still feel is undescribable. It feels like with every beat my heart hurts more. It makes me feel nausious all the time. He sneaks into my thoughts, and i have dreams where im locked in one place watching him and his girlfriend. No matter what i'm doing he is always in the back of my mind. The pain burns and it makes me afraid to love again. I trusted him so much, and I trusted myself so much.

I trusted my self when i believed that he truley did love me, and knowing that i lied to my self kills more than him lying to me. I was always someone I could trust, and I thought that I could trust my intuition. Knowing that I was wrong, and that someone who i completly 100% believed in could hurt me so much makes me so scared that it will happen again. It has been 5 months since me and him have been together and the pain is still always there. Sure it has eased a little but sometimes it comes back so strong that I dont know what to do about it. I never want to go through this much pain again. The strength of the hurt is so strong I can't even describe it.

I am so afraid of heartbreak so much that I wont open myself up to anyone else, hopefully soon the pain will go away, or at lease ease. I know i'm young and I tell that to myself all the time. Time heals all wounds but the problem is waiting for the time to come. Its hard to go through this but I hope i will come out stronger on the other side, and soon I might be able to date . Im still in love but its slowly fading, and although im afraid of heartbreak, i know I will go through and get through it again.

Graciepie Graciepie
1 Response Mar 20, 2009

It hurts less the second time around, this is a universal human experience, I have had my heartbroken many times, but as I get older it hurts me so much less. You will look back and smile about this one day, I know it doesn't feel like it now, but well in life sometimes you have to get a couple of negative experiences, live and learn and grow through it is the only remedy that I know of.